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Clips from The Good Place - Michael's Gambit (S01E01)

"on earth."
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"This place truly is paradise."
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"- Whispering away like two beefeaters on a tea break."
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"I bet they're plotting against us."
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"- No way. Eleanor wouldn't do that."
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"- You do have feelings for her, don't you?"
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"think about this again. My brain will break."
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"- I'm sorry, it's just that i have certain feelings for you."
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"I don't mean to contribute to your misery,"
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"it's just that I'm frightened."
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"I don't have an actual soul mate."
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"What's gonna happen to me when Jason and fake Eleanor go"
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"and you're off with real Eleanor?"
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"Whither tahani?"
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"Jason has agreed that the two of us should go."
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"- Bye, tahani."
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"After I'm gone you can go ahead and clean out my bud hole."
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"- Thank you."
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"- I love you so much, baby. Promise me you'll visit."
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"- I will not."
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"It is literally impossible for me to do that."
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"- well, it's been real, dog."
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"I feel like I failed you."
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"- No. Don't ever think that."
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"- Oh. Good-bye forever."
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"I will miss you so much."
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"- I'll miss you too, you sexy skyscraper."
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"All right, ready to go? Let's grab Michael."
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"- Hi, guys. Sorry to interrupt."
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"Um, I'm going to the bad place. I've taken one of the slots."
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"- Eleanor, that's crazy. You belong here."
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"Why would you go?"
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"- Everyone here is supposed to have a soul mate,"
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"and my soul mate doesn't love me."
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"or tahani or someone else,"
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"but you don't love me, which means that this..."
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"Will never really be my good place."
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"I'm going, so you only have to choose one more person."
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"- Okay, that means--"
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"what does that mean?"
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"- It means..."
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"We did it, Eleanor! Usa! Usa! Usa!"
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"No matter what they decide, I'd bet you're gonna be"
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"in pretty hot water with your boss."
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"Wouldn't be surprised if retirement were on the table."
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"- Retirement?"
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"I'm just the all-knowing judge of all matters in the afterlife."
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"But face it, this is your mistake."
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"- Morning, Mike. - Morning, val."
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"- Which one's which? I always forget."
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"- Black is regular, orange is anti-matter."
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"- Working on your first solo design, right?"
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"How's it coming?"
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"- Do you ever get the feeling we could be doing it all..."
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"I mean, it's always the same. We get the names,"
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"come up with the design, they arrive,"
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"we move on to the next one."
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"- Yeah, I guess, but don't rock the boat here, pal,"
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"just try to do a good job."
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"Mm. French vanilla?"
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"Regular anti-matter's fine. Why flavor it?"
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"- a good job."
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"- all right, nerds, let's just get this over with."
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"I'll go to the bad place with real Eleanor,"
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"and you three can stay. - Yes!"
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"We get to stay, baby! We did it!"
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"- Wait, no."
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"You're not going."
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"I am."
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"- Real Eleanor is my soul mate-- or was my soul mate--"
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"and she's only going down there"
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"Please don't ask me that. My stomach hurts."
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"The point is, if she's going down there because of me,"
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"- Yes! We get to stay, baby! We did it!"
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"- No, this is bonkers."
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"I am going. End of story."
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"- No, I'm going. End of everything."
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"- What? Now you're trying to replace chidi?"
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"- No. I'm going to replace real Eleanor."
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"- Yes! We get to stay, baby! We did it!"
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"- Look, I love you and I think you love me."
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"We can be together, away from everyone else."
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"Obviously, we'll be miserable,"
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"but I truly believe our love will make us happy."
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"- Okay, you realize the bad place is not"
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"some sort of couples retreat, right?"
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"- If it is, Janet and i would like to go."
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"- Oh, that's enough out of you, robot lover."
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"- Hey, that's racist! - Not a robot."
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"- Oh, you have some nerve."
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"Guys?"
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"Guys!"
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"Holy motherforking shirtballs."
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"- What?"
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"- Wow!"
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"Okay, okay."
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"Uh, whoo!"
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"Yo, Mikey! Shawn! Come on out!"
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"- Is everything okay?"
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"- Right as rain, Mikey my boy."
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"So, chidi and I are gonna go to the bad place."
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"- What? - Trust me, I've got this."
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"That's our decision. Let's hit it."
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"- Well, what about real Eleanor?"
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"- No, it's me and chidi. Call the train."
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"- Point of order. I don't accept this offer."
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"The real mistakes were Jason and Eleanor."
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"- Gah, gah, gah, gah! You said any two of us."
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"It's me and chidi. Let's do it to it."
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"- Michael! I just found an obscure precedent"
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"in the rules that might just save everyone."
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"- Buzz off, bambadjan! Don't need it."
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"- Oh, okay."
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"- Ready when you are, boss."
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"- Eleanor, what's going on?"
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"- It took me a while to figure it out,"
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"fighting and yelling at each other"
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"and each one of us demanding we should go to the bad place,"
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"I thought to myself, "man, this is torture.""
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"And then it hit me."
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