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Clips from The Golden Girls - The Custody Battle (S01E01)

"I am going to freshen up and call my driver."
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"Then I'm taking you for lunch and a shopping spree, Ma."
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"- That Gloria's some special kid! - Oh, Ma, she's your baby."
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"All mothers think their babies are special."
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"That's ridiculous. I think all my children are special."
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"Except Phil."
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"Sure, Ma."
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"Can I make a little suggestion when you go for your makeover?"
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"- Sure, what is it? - Don't expect a miracle."
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"- Hi! How was the audition? - Wonderful!"
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"I'm 99% sure I got the part!"
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"There were so many good people there!"
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"Trust me, I got this part in the sack!"
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"- She means in the bag. - No, honey, she means in the sack."
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"- Where's Sophia? - She and Gloria went shopping."
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"- They haven't come back yet. - Gloria seems like a lovely person."
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"She is a lovely person. And she's sophisticated"
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"and worldly and wealthy and has never had a pimple in her life."
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"- Do I detect a little sibling rivalry? - Oh, I don't know."
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"I guess I've just always had the feeling that my parents liked Gloria"
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"better than they liked me."
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"I know for a fact my parents liked my sisters better than they did me."
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"Oh, Blanche, that's silly! How could you know a thing like that!"
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"They told me!"
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"Oh, Blanche, I can't believe that your parents told you that!"
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"I don't care if they are from the south."
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"They didn't tell me in words. They told me in actions."
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"Like on our birthdays. When we were little,"
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"every year, my sisters had huge parties"
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"with clowns and magicians and tons of presents."
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"- And you didn't. - Well, not exactly."
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"I did have parties and I had presents but I never had a clown."
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"- Not until I was much older. ...much older."
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"Yeah. But that's another story."
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"My parents always made each of us feel like we were the favorite."
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"They loved all nine of us equally. We used to have the best Christmas Eves."
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"Daddy'd sit at Grandma's old player piano and he'd play Christmas carols"
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"and the children would sing along,"
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"then Mother'd bring in some homemade eggnog and snickerdoodles."
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"And then we'd decorate the tree."
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"And after Daddy'd hung the star at the very top of the tree,"
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"we'd all join hands and pray, and then Daddy'd tell us a story and..."
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"- tuck us into our feather beds... - Who was your father? Michael Landon?"
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"Can I help it if I came from a happy family?"
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"Well, we had our share of problems. Believe me, we had some hard times."
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"Once a mysterious drifter stole our butter churn."
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"Well, I guess Ma and Gloria aren't coming back for dinner."
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"What say we go out and grab a hamburger?"
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"Oh, sounds good to me."
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"We'd grab our dog Binky, and we'd pile into the..."
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"I hope you're not mad at me for keeping Ma out so late."
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"Of course not. Did the two of you have a good time?"
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"Ah, wonderful. I like being with Ma. I want to spend more time with her."
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"- And I'd like us to get closer, too. - I wish there was more time."
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"I mean, I see you just packed for the weekend."
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"Dorothy. You don't resent me, do you?"
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"Don't be silly! Why would I resent you? Oh, please!"
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"- For having money? - No, I don't resent you."
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"Oh, I did, a great deal, as a matter of fact, but I've outgrown it."
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"Well, that bothered me for awhile, but I got over it."
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"Even though all my children are practicing professionals and yours aren't?"
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"Please, Gloria, I'm happy for your children! All except Katherine."
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"This reminds me of when we were little, and you used to tell me bedtime stories."
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"Oh, yeah, yeah. "The Bogeyman and the Little Girl,""
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""The Zombie in the Hamper," "Cannibal Parents.""
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"I think between the ages of five and seven you might've gotten... two hours sleep."
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"Why don't you ever come to California to visit me?"
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"Well, it's not easy, you know. I have my job, I have responsibilities,"
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"I've never been invited."
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"Well, I'm inviting you now."
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"I have a huge house with servants and an ocean view."
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"And Bert Convy shops in my grocery store."
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"Bert Convy? Let's leave now!"
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"I was telling Ma about it, you know."
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"How great the weather is"
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"and how she would never have to lift a finger for anything"
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"and she really liked the idea of maybe coming out."
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"It would be great if she were to come out for a visit sometime."
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"Well, I was thinking of more than just a visit, Dorothy."
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"I was thinking of a permanent arrangement."
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"- What do you mean? - I want Ma to come live with me."
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"So I asked her to and she said yes."
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"- Hi, Ma. What are you doing? - Having a toga party."
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"- I'll talk to you when you're not busy. - I'm not busy, but do what you have to."
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"Gloria tells me you're gonna go live with her."
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"That's right. I think it's best."
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"- Isn't that kind of a fast decision? - Why, you think I'm making a mistake?"
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"Oh, no, of course not. I mean, you know, not if you think it's best."
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"What do you think?"
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"Well, I can understand why you'd want to live with her."
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"She can give you so much more than I can."
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"You'd live in a mansion, you'd have servants,"
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"you'd do your grocery shopping with Bert Convy."
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"And you'll have your space. And you can sit home on Friday night"
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"and become an old maid like your Aunt Regina"
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"and you won't have to listen to me nag."
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"Then I guess it's all settled."
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"- I guess so. - Well, I'd better get to work."
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"- Ma? - Yeah?"
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"If you need any help moving, just let me know, OK?"
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"I'll do that."
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"I'm afraid I have some bad news."
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"I'm afraid I have some bad news."
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"Blanche, I'm afraid I have some bad news."
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"Goodness! I'd better sit down. Dorothy just said she had bad news."
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"Oh. Since you got here first, you go ahead and tell her first."
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"- You go ahead. - No, really."
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"- I insist. - You got here first."
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"Girls, please! Will one of you just say something so I can become hysterical,"
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"eat a box of Mallomars and get it over with?"
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"OK. Jason called. You got a part in Macbeth."
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"but I'm afraid it isn't the part you were hoping for."
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"What part did I get?"
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"Witch number three."
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"A witch? He cast me as a witch?"
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"Well, who got Lady Macbeth? Don't tell me!"
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"Probably one of those little theater groupies"
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"with a mattress strapped to her back."
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"No, it isn't."
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"It's me."
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