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Clips from Archer - Swiss Miss (S02E02)

"Mother, you know what he's implying, right?"
Archer
"Stop whining. We're all making do. Why, I'm sharing a room with Lana."
Archer
"- Hooray. - And Pam's sleeping in the cellar."
Archer
"Yeah, and if money's so damn tight, why is she even here?"
Archer
"She's making me mule back a bunch of this crap."
Archer
"...and you can't get it in America, so not another sip."
Archer
"The rest of you, make room in your luggage for 10 liters apiece."
Archer
"- Unbelievable. - I know."
Archer
"What kind of limit is that?"
Archer
"Good, you are here, Frau Archer."
Archer
"- It's Fräulein Archer. - She added desperately."
Archer
"And these are my top agents, who are ready to lay down their lives..."
Archer
"[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER HEADPHONES]"
Archer
"...to protect your, um, lovely daughter."
Archer
"Let's hope it doesn't come to that."
Archer
"Ja, but if it does..."
Archer
"- Let's hope not. ...you must protect mein princess."
Archer
"Anka is all I have in the world since her mother passed away."
Archer
"Oh, you poor thing. You're a widower?"
Archer
"No. No."
Archer
"- What is wrong with you? - Did no one just see that?"
Archer
"No, she does."
Archer
"- My Anka? What do you mean? - Oh, right."
Archer
"Herr Archer glaubt Anka is dirty sexy."
Archer
"- What? - She is only 16, you schwein."
Archer
"- Come on. - And the rest of you, get to work."
Archer
"- Come, Anka. - Uh..."
Archer
"Ugh! Now, that is just... Ew!"
Archer
"- Thanks a lot, Bitch and Sundance. - What?"
Archer
"- What what? Didn't you see that? - I saw you totally eye-bang a teenager."
Archer
"No, you didn't, because I wasn't."
Archer
"- Whatever. - Go wash up, dirty bird."
Archer
"- I wasn't eye-banging her. - Man, I was."
Archer
"- Ugh. - What? Jeez, I'm only human."
Archer
"Are you?"
Archer
"[BURPS]"
Archer
"Another perfect example of your reductive reasoning."
Archer
"[SIA SPEAKING IN SPANISH]"
Archer
"- He started it. - He started it."
Archer
"I should have asked myself the same thing about you two."
Archer
"- Meaning what? - Meaning you left me for my brother."
Archer
"Your twin brother."
Archer
"So obviously, I still find you very attractive, baby."
Archer
"And I have good news."
Archer
"Even though Sterling Archer is here in Gstaad..."
Archer
"- Archer? - Archer?"
Archer
"I think that smell is them."
Archer
"But even they smell better than your stupid plan."
Archer
"- We go with my plan. - Fine."
Archer
"You don't want the world's greatest secret agent on the case? Fine."
Archer
"You want little Countess von Fingerbang to get kidnapped? Fine."
Archer
"Oh, and as for you, Ray..."
Archer
"[DOOR CLOSES]"
Archer
"...Sterling Archer may be many things, but he's not..."
Archer
"- Fine? - Oh, I think he is very fine."
Archer
"- No, no, Anka, you can't be in here. - Anka?"
Archer
"Mr. Archer, how familiar."
Archer
"You must address me by title:"
Archer
"Countess von Fingerbang."
Archer
"[KNOCKING ON DOOR]"
Archer
"Shit. Before the cops show up."
Archer
"Or, wait, what do you have in Switzerland? Pikemen?"
Archer
"In many ways, yes, but we can talk about that in bed."
Archer
"[ANKA SCREAMING]"
Archer
"[JAVI SCREAMING]"
Archer
"- I saw you save my life. - No, l..."
Archer
"- Well, maybe a little, but... - And I know just how to repay you."
Archer
"ARCHER: Wait. No, no, Anka. Bad touch."
Archer
"- Bad touch. SCHLOTZ: You schwein."
Archer
"- So does this look as bad as it looks? - I will let the gendarmes decide that."
Archer
"So they're not pikemen. Wait, Anka, tell your father what happened."
Archer
"ANKA: Papa, he lured me. ARCHER: What?"
Archer
"I saved her life. I set a kidnapper on fire."
Archer
"Tell it to the gendarmes, schwein."
Archer
"Oh, come on, did you not see that?"
Archer
"Sterling, you promised."
Archer
"...as a fortune walks away, with your wedding tackle..."
Archer
"...stuffed into your shaving kit."
Archer
"- "Schwein" doesn't even touch it. - Yeah? Well, neither did I, Mother."
Archer
"I saved her life. Go ask that dick I set on fire."
Archer
"And speaking of, that bay rum really burns on the... Oh!"
Archer
"[SIGHS]"
Archer
"**** you, Switzerland."
Archer
"MALORY: You're damn lucky Anka convinced her father not to press charges."
Archer
"Yeah, I feel lucky. Let's see, sexually assaulted by a teenage sociopath..."
Archer
"...interrogated by gendarmes."
Archer
"Oh. Three stitches in my penis. So, yep, it's all breaking my way."
Archer
"Just stay out of my way."
Archer
"I have to convince Schlotz to get in bed with ISIS..."
Archer
"...and failing that, in bed with..."
Archer
"Don't say it. I'm in enough pain."
Archer
"Yeah, the entire hotel's talking about your little shaving accident."
Archer
"- And if you wanna get Schlotz into you... - Phrasing."
Archer
"...you better start eating strudel. Major chubby chaser."
Archer
"PAM: Well, a lot of that's muscle. - Let's hope not."
Archer
"Because you get strong arms growing up on a dairy farm."
Archer
"- A dairy farm? - Yes, it was called Butterfat Ranch."
Archer
"- No, it... - They had a big cheese rodeo."
Archer
"- It was Poovey Farms. - I also was raised on a dairy farm."
Archer
"- Friesians. - We had Holsteins."
Archer
"- Jeez, they're like... Wow. - Cousins."
Archer
"[CHUCKLING]"
Archer
"Man, all this cow talk's making me thirsty for some milk."
Archer
"And as luck has it, there is some chilling in mein suite."
Archer
"Well, let's get some."
Archer
"- Don't wait up. - Ugh."
Archer
"Ugh. That is so classic her."
Archer
"Chasing a billionaire while we could be surrounded by terrorists."
Archer
"- We don't know what they look like. - Spoiler alert."
Archer
"- One doesn't have skin on his face. - Meaning?"
Archer
"Meaning I set one on fire?"
Archer
"Was that before or after you got caught fondling a teenager?"
Archer
"Well, obviously before. After was all gendarmes and dick stitches."
Archer
"[LANA GROANS]"
Archer
"And I didn't touch her, Lana, so there's no reason to be jealous."
Archer
"LANA: Whatever."
Archer
"ANKA: How is your Wilhelm? - Aah!"
Archer
"- Should I kiss it and make it better? - No, you should get away from me."
Archer
"- You need help, Archer. ARCHER: She came up to me."
Archer
"- What did you call it? "Blow job"? - What?"
Archer
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