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Clips from Workaholics - To Friend a Predator (S01E01)

"because you're popping a straight-up bone cone"
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"over that damn newspaper."
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"- "The suspect was apprehended after the RCPD"
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"was tipped off by eyewitness Anders Holmvik.""
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"I'm basically Darkwing Duck."
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"because we blazed the last of our-"
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"We blazed the last of our weed,"
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"and you know I can't eat unless I've smoked."
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"- Adam Bear needs to eat."
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"You know that."
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"- I'm gaunt right now."
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"- I think you suckers are just jealous"
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"that I'm in the newspaper and- you have a picture"
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"of a dude's dick on your computer, man."
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"You are perverted."
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"- Okay. - No, I'm serious."
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"I'm part of the Rancho Cucamonga"
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"Justin Bieber Fan Club."
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"- That, I get. The guy's infectious."
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"- Yeah, he has, like, crazy pipes."
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"- Yeah, but this guy, bieberhole69,"
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"keeps sending me pictures of his dong because he-"
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"well, he thinks I'm a little boy."
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"- Why does he think that?"
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"- Well, I tell them that I'm 11"
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"so that people don't think I'm, like, old and weird."
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"- That's a good idea. - Hey, guys."
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"- Jillian, hey."
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"Did, uh, bieberhole69 send you one of..."
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"- Oh, my God, that guy sends me the most suggestive photos."
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"- What is he suggesting?"
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"- Like, little ding-dong competitions."
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"I'm like, "I'm not in. I don't have one.""
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"I say that I'm 11"
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"so that people don't think I'm old and weird."
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"- I just don't want children to have to be"
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"dodging full-grown male penises."
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"- That makes sense to me."
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"- Well, they should be basking in the glory"
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"that is J to the Bieber."
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"- Yeah. - And he's got moves."
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"He moves like water, like a water bed."
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"- He does."
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"He's got the best bangs in music since '80s Metallica."
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"- Great bangs. - Oh, my God."
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"- The kid is a hell of a talent."
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"- And that is why we're bringing down bieberhole69."
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"- Yes, I am so down."
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"- Wait. We have to bust this dude?"
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"- Yes, Ders. I mean, come on."
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"Imagine this little headline:"
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""Dude Fucking Throws Pervert In Prison Forever.""
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"Little picture of you right there."
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"- Okay, that's kind of cool. I'm down with that."
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"Adam, what do you say?"
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"- Yeah, count me in."
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"I'm just gonna rip this guy's heart out, right?"
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"And just take the heart and suck on a cockle."
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"That came out weird, but I'm gonna do that."
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"I'm sweating right now."
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"Why am I sweating so badly? - We got to get you some weed."
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"- Let's bust this butthole surfer."
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""but I'm built like an eight-year-old,"
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"so come and get it.""
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"- No, don't write that."
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"- And then capitalize "come get it.""
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"- Don't write that. Listen. - Capitalize it."
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"They're extremely lonely people."
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"You got to make them feel special, desired."
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"- They want naughty little boys, dude."
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"So we have to be naughty little boys, okay?"
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"If they want peach fuzz, we have to-"
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"- No, Adam. They need to be loved, okay?"
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"They're trying to regain a lost childhood."
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"- I got him."
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"He's coming over tomorrow."
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"- What did you say?"
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"- I said, um, "I'm ten. Come over tomorrow.""
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"Ooh, yeah. Come on, princess."
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"Give it to me. Whoo!"
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"We are gonna pulverize this guy."
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"- Shh. Stop. He's here."
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"Come on. Here's the plan."
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"We get him inside, we whup his ass,"
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"call the cops, take a picture for the paper,"
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"and become heroes to Bieberites everywhere."
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"- He's probably gonna write a song about you, dude."
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"- Oh, man, if he hasn't already."
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"- HEY-"
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"- Who are you looking for?"
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"- Yo, you know what?"
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"Sorry, bro."
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"Hey, um..."
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"is that the Vapetron right there,"
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"with, uh, aluminum chassis and combustion chamber?"
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"- Yeah. It is."
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"Why'? Do you smoke?"
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"- Yeah."
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"But never with the 'Tron."
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"- Us either, actually."
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"We... don't have weed right now."
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"- Well, throw out a flag and push me back ten yards..."
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"♪ 'Cause I'm holding ♪"
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"- What?"
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"You just said the magic words."
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"What's that thing on your back?"
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"Psych. That's a potato gun."
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"- Potato gun? Guys!"
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"Meet my new buddy here..."
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"- What up? I'm Topher."
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"Oh!"
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"- Oh, man."
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"- Oh, man, Toph. This weed is the realness."
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"- Yeah, that's actually the stuff that, uh,"
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"kept me off the team in '04, if you can believe that much."
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"That's nuts."
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"- Oh, I can believe it,"
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"- So we were there together. - Yes, technically."
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"- Hey, uh, could we get a picture together?"
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"- Yeah, if you don't mind if I take a piss"
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