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Clips from 30 Rock - Kidney Now! (S03E03)

"If anyone is giving anyone a kidney at all."
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"No, I'll remember. Opposite!"
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"that he's giving a kidney to me."
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"so you shouldn't assume that you're gonna get my kidney."
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"Of course. I'm sorry. It's just that without a kidney, I'm going to die."
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"Exciting news. Your old high school wants you to speak at graduation."
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"- Not interested. - Why not?"
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"Because Frank Lucas high school was a hellhole."
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"A drug dealer named Campbell, he ruled that school."
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"He wanted me to find a snitch called "baby"."
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"I wouldn't do it. I dropped out."
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"And I vowed never to go back to that place."
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"That's terrible."
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"If your boyfriend calls out his brother's name during sex,"
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"that's a dealbreaker, ladies."
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"No, honey, Courtney's dead. You are gonna answer our audience's"
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"relationship questions!"
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"so I go to this other tanning salon to try not to make it a thing,"
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"but you know how there's no secrets in the tanning salon community,"
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"so what should I do?"
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"I don't know."
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"Boy, whatever that just was, it's a dealbreaker"
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"because this guy is making you talk like a crazy person."
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"You have sexually transmitted crazy mouth. Dealbreaker."
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"Your fiance is gay."
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"Look at him. Look at you."
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"- Classic case of fruit blindness. - "Fruit blindness"?"
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"Sir, have you ever kissed a gentleman?"
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"My boyfriend has been acting weird ever since he got promoted at his job..."
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"There's no such thing as bisexual. That's something the invented in the 90s"
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"Only one snake in the bed. Dealbreaker."
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"I know Mr. Campbell wasn't a drug dealer."
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"I know he was your science teacher."
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"And I know he didn't ask you to cut up "baby", he asked you to cut up a frog."
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"- because you were ashamed. - It's true!"
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"A guy crying about a chicken and a baby?"
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"You know how I can get to Jack Donaghy's office?"
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"Yes, sir. 52nd floor."
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"I understand how hard that must've been, but it was so long ago."
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"You can't understand, Ken."
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"Where I come from, street cred is everything."
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"I love you, Jack!"
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"I want diet slice and some pita chips."
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"I don't wanna be here! I don't like it here!"
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"We're not really best friends, we're just good friends."
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"I think it's sad that you're still ashamed of that kid."
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"I've changed."
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"Into a badass adult."
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"But before I go, I think we should talk about the other day."
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"preferably during a wedding or elementary school graduation."
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"I'm sorry, Jack. I should never have put you in this position."
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"I don't want a kidney from you."
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"All I want is to make up for lost time."
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"Can I come back next week?"
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"We can go to a Yankee game. I have great seats."
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"- But I don't go on bat day. - So, my son likes baseball."
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"Remember Carlton Fisk's home run in the '75 series?"
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"That's this ball?"
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"That's a ball he fouled off in the third inning."
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"- Just like Jimmy and Chip Carter. - Did you hear what I said?"
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"He was the baddest gangster in my class."
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"We called him "Mean Steve", but his real name was Steven Killer."
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"Does seeing him in this menial job make you think about anything?"
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"If a badass O.G. like that could get stuck deliverin' food,"
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"Because you're not a bad-bleep O.G."
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"You're a sensitive artist."
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"Five f-bombs, right?"
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"Right, yes, and?"
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""Cytoxic cross match of target HLA resulted"
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"I don't know. Could I give this guy a kidney or not?"
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"It means we're not a match."
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"The other way around."
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"I'm getting Milton Greene a kidney."
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"- You're a match? - No, I'm not."
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"and donate all that money after rainstorm Katrina. I'm going to use that"
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"- to find my dad a kidney. - You should do a celebrity concert."
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"Like that gay guy did to benefit old gays."
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"Or "Weird Al" Yankovic's less successful parody benefit "We Are The Pizza"."
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"- Tell Pete to start building a set. - Wait a minute, we have to do this?"
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"You found a way to do your day job and be on Vontella..."
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"since CVS put the cold medicine behind the counter."
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"They want me to go back on Vontella, actually, but I'm not sure I'm qualified"
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"Suburban 7th graders have more sexual experience, but that doesn't matter."
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"- Right, because I'm helping people. - No, you're helping yourself."
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"So make the most of this opportunity."
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"After all, how many years does TGS have left?"
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"I don't know. 20?"
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"Life is short. You've gotta get out there and get yours."
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""Get yours." I like that. Can I use that as one of my catch phrases?"
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"Sorry, Spaceman's using it as the title of his new sex book for couples."
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"- getting off the subway? - What were you doin' down there?"
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"I asked you to be here because you are all"
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"deeply committed to charity work."
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"its 10th year of searching for the Loch Ness monster."
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"all kinds of problems. World hunger,"
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"the collapse of the American farm, global warming"
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"and... you're 0 for 3, guys."
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"- I am disappointed in us as a group. - How about a problem"
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"One song, one man, one kidney."
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"- you've done your job? - No, I've never said that."
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"Listen, the man who needs the kidney is my father."
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"I'm asking for your help."
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"And Elvis, or should I say... Declan McManus,"
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"OK, Jack Dona-You-Tumbled-Me. We'll do it."
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"Also, you have a ton of interview requests."
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"And they want you on the 7th hour of the Today Show tomorrow morning."
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"Tell them all yes."
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"I'm getting mine, Cerie."
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"Also, Pete and Tracy's wives are in your office."
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"Paula is Pete's wife, and Angie is the black one..."
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"- I got it. - Dr. Liz,"
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"- we need some advice from you. - I don't know if that's a good idea."
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"I know you, and I know your husbands..."
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"Tracy has a secret credit card I didn't know anything about."
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"he's been using that credit card to pay for a hotel room"
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"here in New York two days a week."
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"Pete is refusing to drive to my parents' place"
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"for just two weeks of family vacation."
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"No to the way to the jose. But Paula, talk it out before you walk it out."
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"And I'm here in New York while he's back in Hooglanderveen."
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