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Clips from Modern Family - Fizbo (S01E01)

"He pokes himself in the eye..."
Modern Family
"every time he uses a straw."
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"Are you kidding? I had one when I was his age."
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"And I used to have a machete. But times have changed."
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"It'll be fine. I'll teach him how to use it."
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"Hey, pal, how's it going? Am I charming?"
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"- Oh, boy. - Of course you're charming."
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"- Who said you were not charming? - No one."
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"But there's a girl in my school, and I want her to like me."
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"- I need your advice, Jay. - Really?"
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"- She's gonna be at Luke's party. - Well, I'm a little thrown."
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"I mean, you don't usually come to me for advice."
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"He has a point."
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"Nothing's worked. Here's the deal."
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"Girls don't go for all that romantic stuff."
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"They go for power and success."
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"No, no, no. I want the most dangerous reptile you've got."
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"I have an iguana that eats crickets."
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"Seriously, Jungle Tanya, I need you step it up a notch."
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"Is there anything that scares the cocoa out of you?"
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"Uh, not really. I do have a bearded dragon."
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"Ooh. Does it- No, it does not breathe fire."
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"Well, then we're back to square one, aren't we?"
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"I couldn't get Luke out of my mind."
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"but some things are bigger than promises."
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"Fizbo would be at that party."
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"[Inhales] Hello, old friend."
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"It all happened so fast."
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"[Claire] Sweetie, that's a rock wall. Is that even safe? [Hydraulics Whirring]"
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"Oh, my God. [Phil] Honey, relax."
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"I don't know, man. It's my first day. See?"
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"They wouldn't let the new guy do it if it-"
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"That did not make me feel better. Don't worry."
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"When did we decide all this? I think it's too much."
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"See, I knew you'd say that. That's why I didn't tell you."
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"That's random. Why are you telling me that?"
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"'Cause he's coming to the party. Is that absolutely necessary?"
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"It's like he's feeding a baby bird. Don't be so jealous."
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"I'm sure you'll meet someone super hot at computer camp."
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"- So, what you got there? - Oh. These are supplies for the crafts table."
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"I finally figured out what we're gonna be making."
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"Kids bored? [Chuckles] I'm teasing. I'm teasing."
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"It looks good. What is it? Comb sheaths."
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"But we made them when I was 11 years old at Donna Rigby's birthday party."
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"At first we thought it was really stupid, and then we had a blast, so-"
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"combs and sheaths."
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"Where's my comb? Oh!"
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"Here it is in my incredibly convenient beaded comb sheath..."
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"that I made at Luke's awesome birthday party."
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"Hole in one, Mrs. Dunphy."
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"Hole in one."
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"I'm home."
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"I got Luke a video game, but it's about math."
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"So I guess we're those kind of uncles."
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"Cam."
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"Don't be mad."
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"since I found out clowns were just people with makeup."
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"if I wasn't in school or fishin', I was clownin'."
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"a tramp, an Auguste, a whiteface and a character."
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"I am a classically trained Auguste clown named Fizbo."
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"What? N-Nothing."
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"Between the clownin' and the fishin',"
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"I'm surprised you had time for the schoolin'."
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"Aw, and there's the fifth type- the sad clown."
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"Sad clown is a tramp. So there's still only four types."
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"[Mouths Word]"
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"Cam, I thought we discussed this."
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"We did. But I- I started thinking."
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"And this isn't about you or me. This is about a little boy who deserves some happiness."
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"Fizbo is not gay. He's asexual."
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"Oh. He's an innocent whose only drive..."
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"is to bring people joy and laughter and balloon animals."
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"He's- He's the least sexual being on earth. Oh."
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"Oh, okay. Well, at least we agree on something. Yeah."
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"Oh."
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"this is how we humans celebrated birthdays. [Luke] Hey, Dad!"
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"Yeah, there's my boy. Zip-line extreme-"
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"[Grunting]"
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"I'm okay. I'm good. I'm good."
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"Hey, buddy, you having fun?"
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"Yeah. And I love my new belt."
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"[Claire] Hey, Luke. Look."
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"Do you wanna make a comb sheath?"
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"- A what? - It's a cool leather holder for your comb."
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"And you can decorate it. I've got beads and glitter and all kinds of stuff."
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"Do you want to? Nah. I'm gonna do the rock wall."
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"Okay, honey. It's your day."
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"Honey, let me know if you get low on supplies."
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"I'll make a quick run back to the 1950s for you."
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"[Yells] Oh! Again?"
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"Seriously, zip-line guys, use some ropes."
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"[Cameron] Did you remember to switch the whites to the dryer?"
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"Oh, no. I forgot. They're gonna smell musty."
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"I know. I'm sorry. I'll pump."
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"No, no, no. I'll do it. You stay right here."
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"Relax. Oh. I get it."
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"You're worried about people seeing me. Without question."
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"People are gonna stare. They're not used to seeing one clown in a car."
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"[Manny] She has good handwriting."
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"She's a complete package. Wish me luck."
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"You don't need luck. You just remember those jokes I told you, hmm?"
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"Oh, yeah. Do you like jokes?"
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"Sure. Great."
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"So a grasshopper named Gary walks into a bar. Aw. No."
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"You're not supposed to know his name. Let me try another one, okay?"
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"Knock, knock. Who's there?"
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"Interrupting cow. Interrupting cow who?"
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"Moo. Oh, crap."
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"- Um, hey. - Hey yourself."
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"I don't think so. No. No, you did, because, um-"
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"- Yeah, I got grease on my pants and then also I felt it. - Call an ambulance."
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"Okay. I just thought you might wanna know..."
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"- What did you say? - Just forget about it, all right?"
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"Listen, carrottop. I didn't touch you. Um, I-"
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"So do the smart thing. Shut your hole, get in your car and drive away."
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"Is there a problem here?"
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"- What the hell are you? - I'm the ass-kicking clown..."
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"So apologize to my boyfriend right now!"
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"Apologize? Boyfriend? Apologize!"
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"I'm sorry."
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