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Clips from Brooklyn Nine-Nine - The Tagger (S01E01)

That is a great idea. Wheel you off a bridge.

"That is a great idea. Wheel you off a bridge."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

I'm kidding.

"I'm kidding."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

So here are my options.

"So here are my options."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

One, I process Podolski's kid,

"One, I process Podolski's kid,"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

he fires me, and I spend the rest of my career

"he fires me, and I spend the rest of my career"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

as a Detective, third grade, which is literally pathetic.

"as a Detective, third grade, which is literally pathetic."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

No offense, Hitchcock. None taken.

"No offense, Hitchcock. None taken."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Option two, I let him walk,

"Option two, I let him walk,"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

and I spend the rest of my life with Holt

"and I spend the rest of my life with Holt"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

as my babysitter.

"as my babysitter."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Honestly, when I think about spending the rest of my life

"Honestly, when I think about spending the rest of my life"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

with a babysitter,

"with a babysitter,"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

she's kind of a cute blonde named Erica,

"she's kind of a cute blonde named Erica,"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

and she always has pizza money

"and she always has pizza money"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

How old are you in this scenario?

"How old are you in this scenario?"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Anyway, the point is Holt cares more

"Anyway, the point is Holt cares more"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

about whether I "do my job right"

"about whether I "do my job right""

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

So I'm taking suggestions.

"So I'm taking suggestions."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

I say piss off Holt,

"I say piss off Holt,"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

so we get to watch your career end right in front of us.

"so we get to watch your career end right in front of us."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Okay, thank you for that, Santiago.

"Okay, thank you for that, Santiago."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

I'm gonna put you down for "don't arrest,"

"I'm gonna put you down for "don't arrest,""

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

and I'm also going to put your phone number

"and I'm also going to put your phone number"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

on every urinal in Rikers.

"on every urinal in Rikers."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Don't arrest him. Just smack him. Hard.

"Don't arrest him. Just smack him. Hard."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

With a phone book on a body part

"With a phone book on a body part"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

no one can see, you know what I'm saying?

"no one can see, you know what I'm saying?"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Ha, ha, I guess so, yeah. Why?

"Ha, ha, I guess so, yeah. Why?"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- Hey, Scully. - Yeah?

"- Hey, Scully. - Yeah?"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

and it's perfect. The Podolski kid?

"and it's perfect. The Podolski kid?"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Are you kidding? I just gave him my lunch.

"Are you kidding? I just gave him my lunch."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Okay. Boyle, what do you think?

"Okay. Boyle, what do you think?"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

I don't know, man. I'm lost.

"I don't know, man. I'm lost."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

The universe is a cruel and vexing puzzle.

"The universe is a cruel and vexing puzzle."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

I-I'm at the whim of the cosmos.

"I-I'm at the whim of the cosmos."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

All right, I'm gonna put you down for "bummer,"

"All right, I'm gonna put you down for "bummer,""

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

and you can hang out in that category all by yourself.

"and you can hang out in that category all by yourself."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Hey, everyone.

"Hey, everyone."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Hey, Jake, there is a very sexy, angry official here,

"Hey, Jake, there is a very sexy, angry official here,"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

deputy commissioner Podolski.

"deputy commissioner Podolski."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

He's asking for you. Very angry.

"He's asking for you. Very angry."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Elderly, sexy, furious.

"Elderly, sexy, furious."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Well, my career is over.

"Well, my career is over."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

See you at the bottom, Hitchcock. No offense.

"See you at the bottom, Hitchcock. No offense."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

No, none taken.

"No, none taken."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Deputy commissioner.

"Deputy commissioner."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Where's my son?

"Where's my son?"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

enjoying a nice glass of bubbly water

"enjoying a nice glass of bubbly water"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Hey, Peralta, when you're done,

"Hey, Peralta, when you're done,"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

can you help me wrap up this massive cocaine bust

"can you help me wrap up this massive cocaine bust"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

I just pulled off? Thanks.

"I just pulled off? Thanks."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Oh, deputy commissioner, didn't see you there.

"Oh, deputy commissioner, didn't see you there."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Sorry for interrupting.

"Sorry for interrupting."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Amy Santiago.

"Amy Santiago."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Trevor, what'd you do this time?

"Trevor, what'd you do this time?"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Nothing.

"Nothing."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

There you have it. He said he did nothing.

"There you have it. He said he did nothing."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

I'm saying maybe it's a possibility

"I'm saying maybe it's a possibility"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

you made a mistake.

"you made a mistake."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

You know, normally, I would agree with you,

"You know, normally, I would agree with you,"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

but I've been pretty detail-oriented

"but I've been pretty detail-oriented"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

the last few hours.

"the last few hours."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

You might not understand this,

"You might not understand this,"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

but Trevor is a special kid.

"but Trevor is a special kid."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

He makes straight "A"s. He's going to Duke next year.

"He makes straight "A"s. He's going to Duke next year."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Lacrosse scholarship. Oh.

"Lacrosse scholarship. Oh."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

You do realize he did thousands of dollars

"You do realize he did thousands of dollars"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

to police vehicles.

"to police vehicles."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Look, I think we can all agree

"Look, I think we can all agree"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

because nothing happened.

"because nothing happened."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Would you actually mind just checking out my report?

"Would you actually mind just checking out my report?"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

It's pretty thorough,

"It's pretty thorough,"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Oh, thank you.

"Oh, thank you."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

I'll get right to it.

"I'll get right to it."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Thanks. Trevor, let's go.

"Thanks. Trevor, let's go."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Choo.

"Choo."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

What's up with the chair?

"What's up with the chair?"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Oh, man. There's no pudding cups left.

"Oh, man. There's no pudding cups left."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Ah! What'd you do that for?

"Ah! What'd you do that for?"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

There. Now you're hurt in this chair.

"There. Now you're hurt in this chair."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

You can get hurt anywhere, Boyle.

"You can get hurt anywhere, Boyle."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

And if you do, it won't be

"And if you do, it won't be"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

You make your own destiny.

"You make your own destiny."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Well, we don't have to worry about Podolski's son anymore.

"Well, we don't have to worry about Podolski's son anymore."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

The case is officially out of my hands.

"The case is officially out of my hands."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Why is there yogurt on this?

"Why is there yogurt on this?"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

The deputy commissioner threw my report

"The deputy commissioner threw my report"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

in Terry's trash can,

"in Terry's trash can,"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

and he'd been eating yogurt earlier.

"and he'd been eating yogurt earlier."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Terry loves yogurt.

"Terry loves yogurt."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Something wrong? Kinda, yeah.

"Something wrong? Kinda, yeah."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

I called six precincts about this kid.

"I called six precincts about this kid."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Theft, vandalism, drunken disorderly,

"Theft, vandalism, drunken disorderly,"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

but he's never been processed.

"but he's never been processed."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

His daddy comes in and bails him out every time.

"His daddy comes in and bails him out every time."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

No, I wouldn't say he was lucky.

"No, I wouldn't say he was lucky."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

I feel bad for this kid.

"I feel bad for this kid."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

I mean, what kind of father

"I mean, what kind of father"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

cares so little for his son

"cares so little for his son"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

that he lets him get away with everything?

"that he lets him get away with everything?"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Well, he's someone else's problem now.

"Well, he's someone else's problem now."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Like you said, it's out of your hands.

"Like you said, it's out of your hands."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

All right, I see what you're trying to do,

"All right, I see what you're trying to do,"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

but it's not gonna work.

"but it's not gonna work."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

I'm not going to arrest him. I'm going to arrest him!

"I'm not going to arrest him. I'm going to arrest him!"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- You want backup? - Yes.

"- You want backup? - Yes."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

What is this? You can't do this.

"What is this? You can't do this."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Trevor Podolski, you're under arrest

"Trevor Podolski, you're under arrest"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

for vandalism and destruction of property.

"for vandalism and destruction of property."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

What... dad! What are you doing?

"What... dad! What are you doing?"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

I told you to back off, Peralta.

"I told you to back off, Peralta."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

First off, the name's Santiago,

"First off, the name's Santiago,"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Detective Amy Santiago.

"Detective Amy Santiago."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Second, I'm arresting your son,

"Second, I'm arresting your son,"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

which, as I say it aloud, seems like an unwise choice,

"which, as I say it aloud, seems like an unwise choice,"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

but it's the one I'm making.

"but it's the one I'm making."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Once again, my name is Amy Santiago.

"Once again, my name is Amy Santiago."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

You're being stupid, Peralta. Don't be stupid.

"You're being stupid, Peralta. Don't be stupid."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

I can make your life miserable.

"I can make your life miserable."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Commissioner, please don't talk to my Detective in that Tone.

"Commissioner, please don't talk to my Detective in that Tone."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

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