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Clips from Please Like Me - Portuguese Custard Tarts (S01E01)

"I am just going to keep driving past the party and take you home."
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"Fine. And they're tarts."
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"And they're not horrible."
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"- They're delicious. - They're overmixed."
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"You should have known better. I've taught you how to make tarts. And pies."
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"I was waiting for you so we could go in together."
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"I just like it better when your shirt's off."
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"- Uh, ok. - Yes!"
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"Joshua!"
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"Does your mother know about this?"
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"I guess I'll be seeing you in church, then."
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"You haven't mentioned how pretty I look."
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"You look very pretty."
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"Well, you look like shit."
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"That's ok. I have a good imagination."
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"Do you think it'll make her happy? It should make her happy, right?"
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"- I'm sorry, I'll change the subject. - Yes, and..."
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"Something that... that isn't your car or your ex-wife."
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"Right for drinks?"
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"Jeez, mate, I thought I was gonna have to send out a carrier pigeon."
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"I'll have a lemonade, please."
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"Oh, what?"
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"- I do. I do. - No!"
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"I'm going to the bathroom."
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"Thank you very much."
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"- Would you like a drink, Geoffrey? - Oh, I don't drink."
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"What? Why?"
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"- Some people don't drink, Niamh. - Yeah, my dad's an alcoholic."
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"Oh."
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"Ok, let's play this game I invented."
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"It's called What's the Most Embarrassing Thing"
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"- Yes! - Who's starting?"
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"- Mmm! I know what mine is. - I'll start."
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"How many girls have you made out with?"
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"Did you like it?"
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"Tom gave me chlamydia once."
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"S... say what?"
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"That's my thing, my most embarrassing thing."
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"- Oh, it's not really your turn. - I did not give you chlamydia."
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"Uh, yes, you did. How else could I have gotten it?"
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"I've explained this. Before I met you, I hadn't had sex for eight months."
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"It's true. Tom is just really horrible at getting sex."
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"Yeah, well, I got it right after I met you,"
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"No, it's just..."
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"You can get it and then not have any symptoms and it randomly just pops up."
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"- That sounds a lot like bullshit, Tom. - It's not. That's... that's the truth."
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"Oh, so I... I guess it's my fault, then. Just like everything else."
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"Why don't we just agree to disagree about who gave who chlamydia?"
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"I'm not! I don't have a side."
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"Thank you, Geoffrey."
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"Though, statistically speaking, it probably was Niamh."
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"Yeah. You have had a considerable amount more sex than... than Tom."
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"I think it's more that they're saying I'm not a slut."
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"- He's totally frigid. - He's right. I pretty much am."
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"- You're ashamed of me. - I'm not ashamed of you."
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"Well, then, why don't you ever back me up in front of your friends?"
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"Because you told them that I gave you chlamydia."
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"What?"
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"We are over."
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"Fine."
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"Good luck getting through one day without me."
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"Nope."
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"Oh. Come on, girls."
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"- Who is it? - Mae left me."
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"- Oh, what happened? - What's going on?"
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"She just left me, and she was supposed to drive me home."
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"I've been drinking."
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"- It's Dad. - Who's that?"
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"- Dad says hi. - Hi!"
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"He says hi. Can't you just... get yourself home?"
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"Have you had anything to drink? Can you pick me up?"
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"You need to help your dad out. I'll take you."
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"Ok, fine."
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"... coming to rescue you."
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"Oh, thank you."
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"So she's, like, a mail-order thing?"
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"Oh, I... I'm sorry. I just... I didn't mean to be offensive."
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"Great, fine."
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"Although I did date a racist once too, so I don't know."
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"Well, I just..."
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"and she just genuinely likes Dad, which is quite hard to believe."
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"- Yeah. - And... and your mum doesn't know."
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"You need to tell them, dude. They won't mind."
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"Do I? Do I really need to tell them?"
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"I just can't be bothered."
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"How do you think that makes me feel, dude?"
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"Please?"
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"It's an honour to finally meet you."
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"- Yeah, um, you too. - Do you know where your car is?"
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"And if I have to be stuck here with you, we're going to have some fun."
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"- I'm not allowed to drink, Peg. - Oh, nonsense."
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"No, the doctor says I'm not supposed to drink."
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"Well, how is someone supposed to stop being depressed if you can't drink?"
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"John? Do you think she should have a drink?"
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"- John? - He doesn't care."
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"Oh, Jesus."
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"It's..."
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"Oh, Alan. My car got egged once. It's gonna warp the paint."
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"It's gonna warp the paint? We have to get it washed."
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"- Ok, it's fine. We can do it tomorrow. - No, it... it'll ruin the paint."
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"It's gonna warp the paint, Josh!"
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"are you tearing up a bit?"
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"Dad, you know there's..."
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"You know, there's people in Africa that can't... that afford Porsches."
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"- They couldn't even afford a Yaris. - Do you know how much this could cost?"
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"Sometimes they have HIV."
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"Just... just a bit of perspective."
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"How long are they taking?"
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"Yeah."
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"That's probably them."
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""I loved everything you are with every part of my being."
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"Go fuck yourself, you skinny-dick retard.""
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"Mmm."
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"Kind of took a turn halfway there."
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"Josh told me she spat on you."
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"We should get in the spa."
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"It's ridiculous that you have it and you never use it."
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"So, Geoffrey, do you have a... have a girlfriend, or... ?"
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"No, I'm gay."
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"Oh. Rightio. Rightio."
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