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Clips from Please Like Me - Portuguese Custard Tarts (S01E01)

"It's funny, you know, because Josh's mother and I"
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"He was always baking and dancing."
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"Yeah."
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"Ok. It's alright, Josh. It's ok. I've... I've decided I'm fine with it."
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"Thanks!"
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"I didn't play enough sport with you when you were a kid."
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"is in direct ratio to the amount you'll enjoy kissing boys."
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"Just promise me that you'll use protection."
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"A homosexual man is 30 times more likely to get AIDS."
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"I really don't think that's a real statistic."
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"Oh, look, actually, it's..."
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"but... when we do,"
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"Oh, well, good. That's... that's good news."
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"Some fathers would punch you for this."
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"I'm a pretty good dad."
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"I'm not going to turn the bubbles on just 'cause they... they make me feel weird."
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"So... tell me again."
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"I just think if there were no banks,"
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"I'm always worried there's gonna be frogs in here or something."
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"John! If you were sad, what would you do?"
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"No, I'm depressed. There's a difference. It's not sad."
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"- Oh, what's the difference? - Well, you can't cure it with ice-cream."
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"We got beer!"
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"You can't cure it..."
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"You can't cure it with beer!"
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"Oh, well, haw-haw! Well, I have no idea."
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"Um... I don't know, Geoffrey. Mae won't answer the phone, so..."
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"No, you definitely should not come."
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"Tom just broke up with Niamh. He's probably crying."
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"It'll be... it'll be weird."
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"Well... but Mae won't let me into the house."
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"- It's your house! - Yeah! Women."
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"- Better not give me chlamydia. - It's gone, it's gone. I swear."
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"I'm so sorry, Josh."
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"Why?"
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"Well, you should be living in this rat hole, not at your mum's place."
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"It's fine. I have a room here that you pay for."
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"I've stolen your youth. I am so proud of you."
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"- Ok, Dad. - But I know that she is."
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"Tom's just broken up with Niamh he's probably really upset,"
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"- Was that... ? - Shit, shit, shit!"
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"So, Alan, who do you barrack for?"
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"Melbourne Storm, Geoffrey."
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"Am I allowed to say "pansy"?"
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"- Where's Tom and Claire? - Hey, Tom! Claire!"
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"I might go and get some tarts."
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"Oh, you guys are back! That was quick."
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"- Hi, Alan. - Hi, Claire."
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"- Nice to see you. - Oh, your hair's wet."
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"Yes, I was just in the... Tom and I were just in the spa, so that's why."
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"- How long have you guys been here? - Not long."
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"- We've been in the spa. - Ok."
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"- Oh. - Yeah."
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"Oh, sorry. I guess that must have made you feel pretty weird, Claire."
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"So no-one wants a, uh, Portuguese custard... tart?"
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"But it looks good there."
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"Oh, excuse me."
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"So how are you feeling about Niamh?"
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"- Really? - Really, really."
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"And, um..."
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"How's your chlamydia?"
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"- Fine. - Yeah?"
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"Why's your dad here?"
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"Geoffrey invited him."
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"Why?"
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"'Cause he's so fucking considerate!"
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"I think Geoffrey's genuinely interested."
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"I don't think I've ever heard your dad say anything interesting."
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"I'd better."
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"To be honest, Geoffrey, I... I guess I still love his mother."
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"But I failed her."
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"I failed her, Geoffrey."
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"- And now Mae... - No, no, no, don't... don't say that, Alan."
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"No-one has any control over these things. I mean..."
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"And if none of it had have happened, then..."
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"... then you wouldn't have such a cool car, like you do now."
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"These things, they happen for a reason, dude."
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"Yeah."
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"Ok. I got to go to church. Let's do this."
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"Pretend like it's ironic."
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"- I'll go. - Great. Tom's for Jesus."
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"- I'll come. - Geoffrey's for Jesus."
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"- This is good. - Alan? Alan, did... did you want to come?"
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"Oh, what the fuck?"
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"And what better gift to give him than that"
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"of a marriage between a man and a woman?"
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"But..."
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"if you use two same-sex electrical sockets."
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"They... simply won't spark."
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"And if you consider a magnet..."
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"two positives come together and they repel."
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"they weld to one another tightly, like a man and wife in holy matrimony."
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"Homosexual sex is dangerous and destructive to the human body."
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"I... I have..."
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"I have just learned that I have a homosexual grandson."
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"But, technically, he's not my grandson, but anyway, that's..."
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"That's not important."
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"And, certainly, it was a disappointment."
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"I feel like I've been robbed of great-grandchildren. But..."
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"If he has..."
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"... isn't it my responsibility to love him?"
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"Because..."
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"Because if they... if they are born that way, they..."
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"... they... they..."
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"... they have no choice but..."
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"Josh?"
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"This is my Josh."
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"He..."
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"And I love him."
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"Which is what God would want."
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"Come on, we're off."
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"Don't think this is such a big deal. It's not like I hadn't always known."
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"Hello, ma'am."
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"I'm... Josh's boyfriend, Geoffrey."
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"Oh!"
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"Ok."
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"Hoo!"
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"Any electrician will tell you you can't get power"
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"Alan, I wouldn't go taking advice from someone with that haircut."
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"I was momentarily distracted by my uterus and I forgot my manners."
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