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Clips from Please Like Me - Portuguese Custard Tarts (S01E01)

- Too old and... big. - Josh, I'm not that old.

"- Too old and... big. - Josh, I'm not that old."

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I am velly solly, sir, for speaking out of turn, sir.

"I am velly solly, sir, for speaking out of turn, sir."

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Ok. Thank you, Mae. That's enough of that. Thank you.

"Ok. Thank you, Mae. That's enough of that. Thank you."

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Look, I've worked hard my whole life. I'm getting it.

"Look, I've worked hard my whole life. I'm getting it."

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You're not that cool.

"You're not that cool."

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We don't want to go to church 'cause... we don't believe in God.

"We don't want to go to church 'cause... we don't believe in God."

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Oh, would you prefer to go to hell?

"Oh, would you prefer to go to hell?"

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It's like a hippie threatening to punch you in your aura.

"It's like a hippie threatening to punch you in your aura."

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but if you don't promise to come to church,

"but if you don't promise to come to church,"

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Have to eat those horrible pies all by ourselves.

"Have to eat those horrible pies all by ourselves."

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You know that I'm not really coming to church, yeah?

"You know that I'm not really coming to church, yeah?"

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Josh, you are such a disappointment!

"Josh, you are such a disappointment!"

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I don't know, half an hour?

"I don't know, half an hour?"

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- You forgot your tarts! - Of course.

"- You forgot your tarts! - Of course."

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- No. - Well!

"- No. - Well!"

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I'm sorry. I was... just thinking about Josh living with his mum.

"I'm sorry. I was... just thinking about Josh living with his mum."

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Now I'm using my imagination

"Now I'm using my imagination"

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And not to your car.

"And not to your car."

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No, no, no, no, she's, uh... she's driving. I'll have the same again, thanks.

"No, no, no, no, she's, uh... she's driving. I'll have the same again, thanks."

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We were married 20 years, Mae.

"We were married 20 years, Mae."

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because the average marriage only lasts 8.7 years.

"because the average marriage only lasts 8.7 years."

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Ok, I'll talk about something else.

"Ok, I'll talk about something else."

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You don't want to talk about something else.

"You don't want to talk about something else."

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We can talk about animals you've seen on the internet in funny costumes.

"We can talk about animals you've seen on the internet in funny costumes."

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That's Ever Happened to Your Genitals?

"That's Ever Happened to Your Genitals?"

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You tell everyone the most embarrassing thing that's happened to your genitals.

"You tell everyone the most embarrassing thing that's happened to your genitals."

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Once, when I was making out with this girl...

"Once, when I was making out with this girl..."

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Five. Five girls.

"Five. Five girls."

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- Claire's sitting right there. - It's fine. I was there for it.

"- Claire's sitting right there. - It's fine. I was there for it."

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- I know what it was like. - Harsh.

"- I know what it was like. - Harsh."

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It does suck you're getting a reputation for... sexually transmitted diseases

"It does suck you're getting a reputation for... sexually transmitted diseases"

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when you didn't actually get to have the actual sex.

"when you didn't actually get to have the actual sex."

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Actually, there's no way of telling who had it, so...

"Actually, there's no way of telling who had it, so..."

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- You think I'm a slut? - No...

"- You think I'm a slut? - No..."

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It's over.

"It's over."

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- Come on, mate. Really. - Quite right.

"- Come on, mate. Really. - Quite right."

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- Oh, hi. - Can you give me a lift home?

"- Oh, hi. - Can you give me a lift home?"

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- It's Geoffrey. - Who's Geoffrey?

"- It's Geoffrey. - Who's Geoffrey?"

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- No, it's just a friend. - Hi, Geoffrey!

"- No, it's just a friend. - Hi, Geoffrey!"

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Where is it?

"Where is it?"

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I... I can't remember.

"I... I can't remember."

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We are...

"We are..."

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Whoa! Whoa, no.

"Whoa! Whoa, no."

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- I'm not racist. - Ok.

"- I'm not racist. - Ok."

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Why did you tell your Dad I was just your friend?

"Why did you tell your Dad I was just your friend?"

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What, so you aren't gonna tell them?

"What, so you aren't gonna tell them?"

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Please don't call me dude. It's weird. We make out sometimes.

"Please don't call me dude. It's weird. We make out sometimes."

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Oh, sweetie. Talk to me, baby. Answer the phone.

"Oh, sweetie. Talk to me, baby. Answer the phone."

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Dad?

"Dad?"

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Hi. This is Geoffrey.

"Hi. This is Geoffrey."

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No.

"No."

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You need to perk up.

"You need to perk up."

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Now, I know you're sad, but it's Saturday.

"Now, I know you're sad, but it's Saturday."

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I'll ask somebody sensible.

"I'll ask somebody sensible."

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I told you. I told you if you bought this car, everyone would hate you.

"I told you. I told you if you bought this car, everyone would hate you."

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Oh, Jesus.

"Oh, Jesus."

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Dad, are you...

"Dad, are you..."

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Sometimes they can't afford food, Dad.

"Sometimes they can't afford food, Dad."

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Who did this?!

"Who did this?!"

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I know she seemed like a massive bitch most of the time, but she isn't that bad.

"I know she seemed like a massive bitch most of the time, but she isn't that bad."

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One time.

"One time."

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always thought that he was gay.

"always thought that he was gay."

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He is gay.

"He is gay."

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- After all, it's probably my fault. - It's not anyone's fault.

"- After all, it's probably my fault. - It's not anyone's fault."

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We... haven't had penetrative sex yet,

"We... haven't had penetrative sex yet,"

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I promise you, we will use protection.

"I promise you, we will use protection."

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I mean, I know it doesn't feel as good, but...

"I mean, I know it doesn't feel as good, but..."

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What is your opinion of the financial crisis?

"What is your opinion of the financial crisis?"

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then people would share their money more

"then people would share their money more"

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because they'd be able to see it.

"because they'd be able to see it."

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Yeah, but not in cash form. And it'd be, like, way harder to store.

"Yeah, but not in cash form. And it'd be, like, way harder to store."

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So they'd probably have to give heaps away as well.

"So they'd probably have to give heaps away as well."

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Amazing.

"Amazing."

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See, my Rose is sad.

"See, my Rose is sad."

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So, uh, what are you doing tonight, Alan?

"So, uh, what are you doing tonight, Alan?"

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- Well, you should come hang with us. - What?

"- Well, you should come hang with us. - What?"

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And... and Mum's proud too. She probably doesn't say it, but...

"And... and Mum's proud too. She probably doesn't say it, but..."

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Yeah. Yeah, I can say pansy.

"Yeah. Yeah, I can say pansy."

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Hello, Tom.

"Hello, Tom."

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Did you guys know that Josh is gay?

"Did you guys know that Josh is gay?"

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Uh, not really. It's probably for the best, really.

"Uh, not really. It's probably for the best, really."

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- Isn't it? - Yeah.

"- Isn't it? - Yeah."

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This is mine.

"This is mine."

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Good. Fine.

"Good. Fine."

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I don't think I've ever heard Geoffrey say anything interesting.

"I don't think I've ever heard Geoffrey say anything interesting."

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You're gonna be really good for Josh.

"You're gonna be really good for Josh."

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We weren't designed to be homosexual.

"We weren't designed to be homosexual."

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Yet, when the opposite sources are used,

"Yet, when the opposite sources are used,"

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Homosexuality is a sin.

"Homosexuality is a sin."

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... decided to lead a homosexual lifestyle...

"... decided to lead a homosexual lifestyle..."

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Josh, stand up. Stand up.

"Josh, stand up. Stand up."

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And if it isn't what God would want, then... then he, or she, can...

"And if it isn't what God would want, then... then he, or she, can..."

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Come on!

"Come on!"

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But you're so... handsome.

"But you're so... handsome."

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And he's so... um...

"And he's so... um..."

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Thomas, please change the subject.

"Thomas, please change the subject."

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Niamh is pregnant.

"Niamh is pregnant."

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Ok.

"Ok."

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Oh, no, Dad. It doesn't make sense for you to be in this car.

"Oh, no, Dad. It doesn't make sense for you to be in this car."

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- You and this car, you're incompatible. - You look old and stupid.

"- You and this car, you're incompatible. - You look old and stupid."

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Like an old person that makes stupid decisions.

"Like an old person that makes stupid decisions."

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Yeah, kids these days with their hair, huh?

"Yeah, kids these days with their hair, huh?"

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Dad, you're just too... big for it.

"Dad, you're just too... big for it."

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When you get in and out of this car, you make a groan like an old man.

"When you get in and out of this car, you make a groan like an old man."

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Women don't know anything about cars.

"Women don't know anything about cars."

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Oh, excuse me.

"Oh, excuse me."

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No, rubbish. it's... it's... this is... It's a cool car.

"No, rubbish. it's... it's... this is... It's a cool car."

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Oh, God.

"Oh, God."

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- I had an idea. - Yeah?

"- I had an idea. - Yeah?"

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For your mum. To get her out of the house.

"For your mum. To get her out of the house."

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- Help her make new friends. - Yes?

"- Help her make new friends. - Yes?"

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I think she should come to church, and you should come too.

"I think she should come to church, and you should come too."

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No, Peg. We don't want to come to church.

"No, Peg. We don't want to come to church."

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We've spoken about this.

"We've spoken about this."

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Jesus Christ, it's terrifying. It's just terrifying driving with you.

"Jesus Christ, it's terrifying. It's just terrifying driving with you."

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I'm not going to be around for very much longer,

"I'm not going to be around for very much longer,"

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I might just bump into you in heaven.

"I might just bump into you in heaven."

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Peg, we both know that you are, unfortunately, very healthy, ok?

"Peg, we both know that you are, unfortunately, very healthy, ok?"

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Brilliant.

"Brilliant."

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Oh, you can be as smart-alec as you like,

"Oh, you can be as smart-alec as you like,"

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