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Clips from Mork & Mindy - My Dad Can't Beat Up Anybody (S04E04)

The governor suggested that we start out

"The governor suggested that we start out"

Mork & Mindy

on something called Tammy's Run.

"on something called Tammy's Run."

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I figured, how difficult can anything be named Tammy?

"I figured, how difficult can anything be named Tammy?"

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Well, that's before I found out it was named after the late Tammy Ericson.

"Well, that's before I found out it was named after the late Tammy Ericson."

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And I didn't.

"And I didn't."

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- Come here, little pooter. - Thanks.

"- Come here, little pooter. - Thanks."

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Well, compared to us, you had a swell time.

"Well, compared to us, you had a swell time."

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What do you mean? Is Mearth all right?

"What do you mean? Is Mearth all right?"

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Well, yes. He didn't stir-fry his toys or anything, but...

"Well, yes. He didn't stir-fry his toys or anything, but..."

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I think I should start at the beginning

"I think I should start at the beginning"

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so you can understand how innocently this disaster started.

"so you can understand how innocently this disaster started."

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Disaster? Oh, Mork, don't tell me about a disaster.

"Disaster? Oh, Mork, don't tell me about a disaster."

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Okay, Armageddon.

"Okay, Armageddon."

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While you were off gallivanting with the governor,

"While you were off gallivanting with the governor,"

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I felt about as useless as a lawnmower on AstroTurf.

"I felt about as useless as a lawnmower on AstroTurf."

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It was a very crisp, clear day,

"It was a very crisp, clear day,"

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and it began very innocently with a breakfast of fresh fruit and hog jowls.

"and it began very innocently with a breakfast of fresh fruit and hog jowls."

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Mork, will you get to the point?

"Mork, will you get to the point?"

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I mean, no wonder the novel is dead as an art form.

"I mean, no wonder the novel is dead as an art form."

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And then the wheels of catastrophe started to turn.

"And then the wheels of catastrophe started to turn."

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Now show me a country where it's legal to marry your livestock.

"Now show me a country where it's legal to marry your livestock."

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- Let's see, right here. - Yes, that's right, India.

"- Let's see, right here. - Yes, that's right, India."

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[IN INDIAN ACCENT] If we can't eat them,

"[IN INDIAN ACCENT] If we can't eat them,"

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at least we'll make them part of the family.

"at least we'll make them part of the family."

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- [IN NORMAL VOICE] All right. - I don't wanna play geography anymore.

"- [IN NORMAL VOICE] All right. - I don't wanna play geography anymore."

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I really don't. I wanna play hide-and-seek.

"I really don't. I wanna play hide-and-seek."

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Well, no, we have to do our lessons.

"Well, no, we have to do our lessons."

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Okay, then if we have to do our lessons, where's Metropolis?

"Okay, then if we have to do our lessons, where's Metropolis?"

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Where does Superman live?

"Where does Superman live?"

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Okay, tell you what, we can combine the two.

"Okay, tell you what, we can combine the two."

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We'll combine geography and hide-and-seek.

"We'll combine geography and hide-and-seek."

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I'll be Russia and you play a small third-world country

"I'll be Russia and you play a small third-world country"

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and I'll have to find and dominate you through military and economic aid.

"and I'll have to find and dominate you through military and economic aid."

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Here we go, ready? Okay, here we go.

"Here we go, ready? Okay, here we go."

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You promise to keep your eyes closed, Daddy.

"You promise to keep your eyes closed, Daddy."

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- All right. - Please.

"- All right. - Please."

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[MORK SPEAKING IN ORKAN]

"[MORK SPEAKING IN ORKAN]"

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MEARTH: Okay.

"MEARTH: Okay."

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Dad.

"Dad."

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Daddy, what's this?

"Daddy, what's this?"

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Well, that's my space... Oh.

"Well, that's my space... Oh."

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Well, what do you think it is, son?

"Well, what do you think it is, son?"

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Well, it's the most attractive costume I've ever seen.

"Well, it's the most attractive costume I've ever seen."

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Look at this, how beautiful, and this, whatever it is,

"Look at this, how beautiful, and this, whatever it is,"

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this diamond pointing down towards the man's shoes.

"this diamond pointing down towards the man's shoes."

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Gosh, and look at this on the back.

"Gosh, and look at this on the back."

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The same diamond pointing down to his shoes in the back.

"The same diamond pointing down to his shoes in the back."

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It's incredible.

"It's incredible."

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Are you trying to tell me that this doesn't belong to a superhero?

"Are you trying to tell me that this doesn't belong to a superhero?"

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Maybe someone sang with the Commodores, you don't know.

"Maybe someone sang with the Commodores, you don't know."

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Please, come on, Dad, you can level with me.

"Please, come on, Dad, you can level with me."

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I mean, you know, I'm not Lois Lane or anything like that.

"I mean, you know, I'm not Lois Lane or anything like that."

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All right, son, well, I'll level with you.

"All right, son, well, I'll level with you."

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but I'm not now or never have been a superhero.

"but I'm not now or never have been a superhero."

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I can't handle... I've had four today.

"I can't handle... I've had four today."

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Well, son, son, wait a minute.

"Well, son, son, wait a minute."

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It doesn't mean that I can't be a superhero.

"It doesn't mean that I can't be a superhero."

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I mean, it's a perfect job for me.

"I mean, it's a perfect job for me."

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I mean, I could be my own boss. The hours are perfect.

"I mean, I could be my own boss. The hours are perfect."

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How's this sound to you, son? How about this?

"How's this sound to you, son? How about this?"

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Why, it sure does.

"Why, it sure does."

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Son, that's what I've been waiting to hear.

"Son, that's what I've been waiting to hear."

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All right, but if you see any criminals from the Phantom Zone

"All right, but if you see any criminals from the Phantom Zone"

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or any large farmers from the central time zone,

"or any large farmers from the central time zone,"

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you just find someplace safe

"you just find someplace safe"

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Dad, I'm so proud to be able to serve with you.

"Dad, I'm so proud to be able to serve with you."

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- Whew. Ooh. - Ha, ha.

"- Whew. Ooh. - Ha, ha."

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I'm gonna go back there and change into my superhero costume.

"I'm gonna go back there and change into my superhero costume."

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- Dad. Dad. - Don't worry about a thing.

"- Dad. Dad. - Don't worry about a thing."

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It's a little cold outside, son.

"It's a little cold outside, son."

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You think it would tarnish my image if I wore Mommy's muff?

"You think it would tarnish my image if I wore Mommy's muff?"

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I wouldn't wear the muff.

"I wouldn't wear the muff."

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I really wouldn't wear the muff, Dad.

"I really wouldn't wear the muff, Dad."

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See that, son? Never too old for nap time.

"See that, son? Never too old for nap time."

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I don't know, Dad.

"I don't know, Dad."

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We've been walking around for two days.

"We've been walking around for two days."

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Gee, we haven't seen one decent crime.

"Gee, we haven't seen one decent crime."

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You know, Superman flies. It's a bummer having to ride the bus.

"You know, Superman flies. It's a bummer having to ride the bus."

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Superman can't make exact change like we can.

"Superman can't make exact change like we can."

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Who in the hell are you?

"Who in the hell are you?"

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Well, just two ordinary people trying to take a fashion risk.

"Well, just two ordinary people trying to take a fashion risk."

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[SPEAKS IN SPANISH THEN CHUCKLES]

"[SPEAKS IN SPANISH THEN CHUCKLES]"

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I think we had some milk around here once.

"I think we had some milk around here once."

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I'll check and see if it's still liquid.

"I'll check and see if it's still liquid."

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This is the kind of place we might find a man

"This is the kind of place we might find a man"

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Oh, Dad, God bless you. You sound just like Steve Garvey.

"Oh, Dad, God bless you. You sound just like Steve Garvey."

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All right, now, what's with you? Who are you, anyway?

"All right, now, what's with you? Who are you, anyway?"

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I'm Mork McConnell,

"I'm Mork McConnell,"

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crime-fighter and part-time superhero.

"crime-fighter and part-time superhero."

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Oh, really? Ha, ha. And who are you, Wonder Woman?

"Oh, really? Ha, ha. And who are you, Wonder Woman?"

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I happen to be Mearth, his important sidekick.

"I happen to be Mearth, his important sidekick."

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Just give me a straight answer, just a straight simple answer,

"Just give me a straight answer, just a straight simple answer,"

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before somebody here hands you your kneecaps on a platter.

"before somebody here hands you your kneecaps on a platter."

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Come on, Dave. It ain't worth it.

"Come on, Dave. It ain't worth it."

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Listen, you guys don't belong here. You could get hurt.

"Listen, you guys don't belong here. You could get hurt."

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Take a hike.

"Take a hike."

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There's a bar down the street that caters to superheroes, okay?

"There's a bar down the street that caters to superheroes, okay?"

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I can't go there. You see, I'm not union.

"I can't go there. You see, I'm not union."

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Oh, son, come on, now, I think there's a lot of tension in here.

"Oh, son, come on, now, I think there's a lot of tension in here."

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and see if they have the love theme from Alien.

"and see if they have the love theme from Alien."

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Hey, Dave, how are you doing?

"Hey, Dave, how are you doing?"

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- Charlie, how are you? - All right, how about a beer?

"- Charlie, how are you? - All right, how about a beer?"

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I don't think I'd be hanging here.

"I don't think I'd be hanging here."

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Hey, don't worry about me.

"Hey, don't worry about me."

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- Wrong again, Charlie. - Heh-heh-heh.

"- Wrong again, Charlie. - Heh-heh-heh."

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Heh-heh-heh. We figured you'd show up sooner or later.

"Heh-heh-heh. We figured you'd show up sooner or later."

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Daddy, he's got a gun.

"Daddy, he's got a gun."

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- Do something. - You're right, son.

"- Do something. - You're right, son."

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Well, do something!

"Well, do something!"

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Hold it right there! How about you dropping that gun

"Hold it right there! How about you dropping that gun"

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before I hand you my kneecaps on a platter?

"before I hand you my kneecaps on a platter?"

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Hey, thank you, partner.

"Hey, thank you, partner."

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Oh, no sweat. Will someone now call a policeman?

"Oh, no sweat. Will someone now call a policeman?"

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I'm a policeman.

"I'm a policeman."

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Oh, this is gonna be a black mark on your record, Dad,

"Oh, this is gonna be a black mark on your record, Dad,"

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if you go through with this.

"if you go through with this."

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Looks like I'm gonna have to split town again,

"Looks like I'm gonna have to split town again,"

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but I'm a little short on cash, so...

"but I'm a little short on cash, so..."

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Ah. Dave, will you empty the till?

"Ah. Dave, will you empty the till?"

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And everybody else, you empty your pockets.

"And everybody else, you empty your pockets."

Mork & Mindy

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