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Clips from Louie - Heckler/Cop Movie (S01E01)

Anybody? Oh, my God. I could like-- I could sue you.

"Anybody? Oh, my God. I could like-- I could sue you."

Louie

What? You can sue me? Yeah.

"What? You can sue me? Yeah."

Louie

You know who I'd like to sue?

"You know who I'd like to sue?"

Louie

...because I would like to sue them...

"...because I would like to sue them..."

Louie

...for not responsibly pulling your head off the second....

"...for not responsibly pulling your head off the second...."

Louie

Letting you live was medical malpractice.

"Letting you live was medical malpractice."

Louie

Can't you just, like, move on?

"Can't you just, like, move on?"

Louie

No, I can't. I really can't...

"No, I can't. I really can't..."

Louie

...because you're the worst thing that ever happened in America.

"...because you're the worst thing that ever happened in America."

Louie

You're-- Seriously, it goes you, slavery...

"You're-- Seriously, it goes you, slavery..."

Louie

...and then Pearl Harbor and 9/11 combined.

"...and then Pearl Harbor and 9/11 combined."

Louie

Those are the three.

"Those are the three."

Louie

And so, like, as an American...

"And so, like, as an American..."

Louie

...I feel like it's my duty to make you feel poorly.

"...I feel like it's my duty to make you feel poorly."

Louie

And your mother's a whore.

"And your mother's a whore."

Louie

My mother's dead. Your mother's dead?

"My mother's dead. Your mother's dead?"

Louie

Yeah. That's good.

"Yeah. That's good."

Louie

It is. It is. You know why?

"It is. It is. You know why?"

Louie

You did not just call me a C word. What's that?

"You did not just call me a C word. What's that?"

Louie

Did you just call me a C word? No, I called you a ****.

"Did you just call me a C word? No, I called you a ****."

Louie

Because you're a **** and your mother is one and she had one.

"Because you're a **** and your mother is one and she had one."

Louie

You know what? The moment you were being born...

"You know what? The moment you were being born..."

Louie

...there was a guy walking by, he said:

"...there was a guy walking by, he said:"

Louie

Hey, look. Some **** coming out of some ****.

"Hey, look. Some **** coming out of some ****."

Louie

Hey, man. That woman was a nightmare in there.

"Hey, man. That woman was a nightmare in there."

Louie

The one who looked like the Fox News anchor?

"The one who looked like the Fox News anchor?"

Louie

She will not stop. The whole night she's been yelling stuff?

"She will not stop. The whole night she's been yelling stuff?"

Louie

She wasn't aggressive at first, but she's getting encouraged and it's building.

"She wasn't aggressive at first, but she's getting encouraged and it's building."

Louie

Yeah, but, you know-- Yeah.

"Yeah, but, you know-- Yeah."

Louie

That was totally uncalled for.

"That was totally uncalled for."

Louie

Actually, no, it wasn't. You were talking all night.

"Actually, no, it wasn't. You were talking all night."

Louie

Then why were you the only one participating?

"Then why were you the only one participating?"

Louie

Just think about that for a second. Why was it just you?

"Just think about that for a second. Why was it just you?"

Louie

Because most people would never do that. Most people are polite...

"Because most people would never do that. Most people are polite..."

Louie

...and they'd rather cut off their hand than hurt a show by talking.

"...and they'd rather cut off their hand than hurt a show by talking."

Louie

That's what-- A good person wouldn't do that.

"That's what-- A good person wouldn't do that."

Louie

So you must be a bad person. No, I'm not.

"So you must be a bad person. No, I'm not."

Louie

Yeah, I think you are. No, I'm a good person.

"Yeah, I think you are. No, I'm a good person."

Louie

Why? Why do you think you're a good person?

"Why? Why do you think you're a good person?"

Louie

...and you have no right to talk to me like that.

"...and you have no right to talk to me like that."

Louie

Actually, I do. That's how that room works. I have a right to talk.

"Actually, I do. That's how that room works. I have a right to talk."

Louie

I'm actually paid to talk in there and to say stuff and people laugh.

"I'm actually paid to talk in there and to say stuff and people laugh."

Louie

You're not supposed to say anything. It's a show.

"You're not supposed to say anything. It's a show."

Louie

Oh, my God, get over yourself.

"Oh, my God, get over yourself."

Louie

People come to shows and talk, that's what they do.

"People come to shows and talk, that's what they do."

Louie

Yes. So? No, I'm sure you do.

"Yes. So? No, I'm sure you do."

Louie

You're a student, you're happy, you have good days...

"You're a student, you're happy, you have good days..."

Louie

...and you have full and fun nights, right?

"...and you have full and fun nights, right?"

Louie

Yes. I'm not a loser like you. Yeah, see, that's the whole point.

"Yes. I'm not a loser like you. Yeah, see, that's the whole point."

Louie

You have a good life and it's just the way you want it to be.

"You have a good life and it's just the way you want it to be."

Louie

These guys, comedians, me, these guys don't have a life.

"These guys, comedians, me, these guys don't have a life."

Louie

This is all they have.

"This is all they have."

Louie

Their days are shit.

"Their days are shit."

Louie

The only good part of their lives is the 15 minutes that they get to be on-stage.

"The only good part of their lives is the 15 minutes that they get to be on-stage."

Louie

Maybe once a week, sometimes once a month.

"Maybe once a week, sometimes once a month."

Louie

The one 15 minutes that they would've had that they would have enjoyed...

"The one 15 minutes that they would've had that they would have enjoyed..."

Louie

...maybe for a long time, and you ruined it.

"...maybe for a long time, and you ruined it."

Louie

You took that away from them.

"You took that away from them."

Louie

I know you think it's cute, but it's not. It's really-- It's a rotten thing to do.

"I know you think it's cute, but it's not. It's really-- It's a rotten thing to do."

Louie

And I don't know how you can think you're a good person...

"And I don't know how you can think you're a good person..."

Louie

...if you do things like that.

"...if you do things like that."

Louie

Honestly, I think you should be ashamed of yourself. I really do.

"Honestly, I think you should be ashamed of yourself. I really do."

Louie

You have no right to make me feel like that.

"You have no right to make me feel like that."

Louie

You're just one of those unattractive people...

"You're just one of those unattractive people..."

Louie

That's right.

"That's right."

Louie

That's right. You're right. That's what happened.

"That's right. You're right. That's what happened."

Louie

That's exactly what happened. Thank you very much.

"That's exactly what happened. Thank you very much."

Louie

Good night. Good night. Good night.

"Good night. Good night. Good night."

Louie

Man, you had a shot up till you did that last thing.

"Man, you had a shot up till you did that last thing."

Louie

You think? Yeah, you could have turned that around.

"You think? Yeah, you could have turned that around."

Louie

Shit. - She was about to feel bad.

"Shit. - She was about to feel bad."

Louie

You could be going to get a drink with her now.

"You could be going to get a drink with her now."

Louie

She'd probably pay for the drink too.

"She'd probably pay for the drink too."

Louie

Shit.

"Shit."

Louie

Yeah, he asked me to come.

"Yeah, he asked me to come."

Louie

Okay, he's finishing up a conference call.

"Okay, he's finishing up a conference call."

Louie

Do you wanna sit for a minute? Sure.

"Do you wanna sit for a minute? Sure."

Louie

You know, we never see you here.

"You know, we never see you here."

Louie

Oh, yeah, well, I don't go out for the acting much anymore.

"Oh, yeah, well, I don't go out for the acting much anymore."

Louie

Oh, how come? I don't know, I'm not a good actor.

"Oh, how come? I don't know, I'm not a good actor."

Louie

Oh, don't say that. No, it's okay, I'm just not good at it.

"Oh, don't say that. No, it's okay, I'm just not good at it."

Louie

Oh, I didn't know because you only used the first three letters.

"Oh, I didn't know because you only used the first three letters."

Louie

Yeah, I just think you have to go for it.

"Yeah, I just think you have to go for it."

Louie

How do you know you're not the next Tom Cruise?

"How do you know you're not the next Tom Cruise?"

Louie

It just feels stupid.

"It just feels stupid."

Louie

To be an actor, the odds are so low that--

"To be an actor, the odds are so low that--"

Louie

It's like saying, I'm gonna be a cartoon dog with a jetpack.

"It's like saying, I'm gonna be a cartoon dog with a jetpack."

Louie

That's what I'm gonna do.

"That's what I'm gonna do."

Louie

...most irresponsible, stupid, stupid thing to wanna be an actor.

"...most irresponsible, stupid, stupid thing to wanna be an actor."

Louie

Yes, he's here.

"Yes, he's here."

Louie

You can go in.

"You can go in."

Louie

Listen, I, uh--

"Listen, I, uh--"

Louie

I didn't-- I meant that, um....

"I didn't-- I meant that, um...."

Louie

You know, I just meant good luck, you know? I mean....

"You know, I just meant good luck, you know? I mean...."

Louie

Hi, hi, hi. Hey, Simon.

"Hi, hi, hi. Hey, Simon."

Louie

For crying out loud, how are you? I'm okay.

"For crying out loud, how are you? I'm okay."

Louie

Hi. Hey.

"Hi. Hey."

Louie

Listen, sit down, because I got incredible news.

"Listen, sit down, because I got incredible news."

Louie

Yeah? Louie. Louie.

"Yeah? Louie. Louie."

Louie

Somebody bought the rights again and they're making another Godfather...

"Somebody bought the rights again and they're making another Godfather..."

Louie

...but it's set two years into the future and it's all Jews.

"...but it's set two years into the future and it's all Jews."

Louie

Oh, my God.

"Oh, my God."

Louie

I got you a part. Heh, heh.

"I got you a part. Heh, heh."

Louie

Listen, Simon-- Yeah, yeah, I know you.

"Listen, Simon-- Yeah, yeah, I know you."

Louie

You know what happened?

"You know what happened?"

Louie

Matthew Broderick, who is starring and directing in this...

"Matthew Broderick, who is starring and directing in this..."

Louie

And he personally called and wanted you to have this part.

"And he personally called and wanted you to have this part."

Louie

You play a cop, you're in about five scenes...

"You play a cop, you're in about five scenes..."

Louie

...and they're all about your character.

"...and they're all about your character."

Louie

Listen, Simon, I appreciate-- You're not saying no to this.

"Listen, Simon, I appreciate-- You're not saying no to this."

Louie

This is not a no. I told them you're doing it.

"This is not a no. I told them you're doing it."

Louie

I said yes!

"I said yes!"

Louie

Well, you may have to call them back. No.

"Well, you may have to call them back. No."

Louie

You call them back. You're doing it.

"You call them back. You're doing it."

Louie

Simon-- You're doing it!

"Simon-- You're doing it!"

Louie

Simon, look, I--

"Simon, look, I--"

Louie

And, you know, I appreciate everything you've done for me.

"And, you know, I appreciate everything you've done for me."

Louie

Simon?

"Simon?"

Louie

Simon?

"Simon?"

Louie

Simon?

"Simon?"

Louie

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