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Clips from New Girl - Bad in Bed (S01E01)

"for a certain VP VP."
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"Very pregnant vice presidente."
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"You're the worst. Seriously, the worst. Get out."
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"Honestly, it would mean so much to me..."
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"if you would let me come to your shower."
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"Okay, fine. Come to my baby shower."
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"- I can come? So I'm invited? - Yeah. You're invited."
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"I'm gonna get you one of those portable baby pumps."
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"You're just out there every day but pumping yourself..."
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"at the same time, you know, just milking away. Just:"
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"- Get out. - Okay, I'm gonna go."
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"- Why don't we meet here at 8? - Great. Okay."
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"Uh, where's the place?"
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"Um, I think it's in Koreatown."
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"- Let me check. - Exotic."
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"Ah, let me see here."
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"Jess?"
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"What? Oh, um..."
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"- Sorry, uh, can I call you back? - Yeah."
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"Hey, Schmidt. Can I borrow your computer?"
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"Nick? Winston?"
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"What?"
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"What?"
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"Hey, do you have my comput...? Oh, my computer."
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"- I have your computer. - I can see that."
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"I've been watching porn."
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"- I found your red folder. - How long have you been doing that for?"
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"- Are you okay? - Five and a half hours."
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"You went deep, Jess. Real deep."
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"Help me, guys. I have 15 minutes. Teach me how to be good at sex."
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"I just... I have to go on this date right now and I can't do it."
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"I'm freaking out, okay?"
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"I need all of you to sit in front of me..."
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"and tell me what guys like in bed. Right now."
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"- What do you wanna know? - Okay."
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"Um, when you're..."
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"If you're in the..."
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"If you're holding... Sorry."
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"Start over. Um..."
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"When you reach..."
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"- Completion? - Yeah, that was it."
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"- No, wait. - I can't do this."
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"- Come on. Come back here. - Jess, guys wanna be whisked away."
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"Do you think that Paul watches stuff like that?"
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"- All the time. - Probably watching it right now."
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"Okay. I put this on mute because this girl is, like, pretty loud."
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"And my main thing that I took away was:"
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""Gosh, that young lady can really multitask.""
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"- Super normal. What she's doing. - Don't know if every girl is like that."
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"Wondering if there are trendy moves."
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"Because I've been doing the same four for the last six years, like:"
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"Aah, and you know, like:"
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"That one and... I don't know."
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"Do you think that Paul would be into, like, something like that?"
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"What, a little light choking?"
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"I bet Paul is into some pretty dark stuff."
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"- Light choking? - No one's doing that."
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"You're hooking up with the wrong girl."
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"I'm hooking up with the right girl because they don't choke me."
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"- Nick is meat and potatoes. We're sushi. - Don't wanna be a part of this."
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"What did you do after you lost your virginity?"
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"Don't say that. You're taking it out of context."
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"He said, "Is it okay I didn't get my pants off?""
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"- That's a true story. That really happened. - I was 16 years old."
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"And I've gotten a lot better."
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"You haven't gotten that much better. I used to listen to you and Caroline."
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"It was like listening to a rescue crew trying to communicate with a stranded miner."
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""Are you okay?""
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""Yeah.""
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""Are you okay?""
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"- "Yeah." - Hey, guys, I don't have much time."
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"Can we get back on track? I need to know what to do."
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"Would flicking be, like, a cool thing?"
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"No."
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"- No. - Absolutely not."
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"Role play? Do you know any voices?"
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"Yes. I can do an old-timey newscaster, like:"
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""Hi, there, son. I'm gonna kick you into next Tuesday, see?""
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"For the last 15 years, you've been thinking I'm bad at sex."
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"- I'm fantastic at sex. - Dude, you're scared to get a haircut."
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"I don't like getting a haircut. What does that have to do with sex?"
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"You got a question, come to me because I'm obviously the best."
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"No, you're not the best. Who do you think, of the three of us..."
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"is the best at sex? - Yes."
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"And take emotion out of it."
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"No one's feelings are gonna get hurt. Especially, you know, Nick and Winston's."
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"No, I'm not doing this."
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"- Say a name. - Go with your gut."
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"Oh. Oh."
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"Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul."
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"- Hey. - Hey."
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"Hey, goose."
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"Hey, goose."
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"- I'm gonna go get ready. I'll be back. - Okay."
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"- I'll just hang out with the guys. - Cool."
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"- Hey, guys. What's up? - What's up, man?"
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"What's up? - You're looking at me like what?"
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"Goose is short for me gusta Jess."
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"- What? - Come here, sit down, man."
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"I am so tired of people being so careful with me."
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"It's like I am 40 and I am pregnant."
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"I am not made out of crackers."
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"Hey, ladies. What are you guys talking about?"
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"- Afterbirth. - Afterbirth."
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"That's like the party you guys have after you have the baby."
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"- Sort of. - I'd like to be invited to that."
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"They say an afterbirth ain't an afterbirth without some Schmidt up in there."
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"- Come here. - I'm gonna talk to you in a bit."
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"- What are you doing? - I'm rocking this party. Watch this."
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"Hi, how's everybody doing?"
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"You know, I just wanted to take a moment to..."
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"Well, to say how honored I am to celebrate the journey..."
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"of Bogart through Gina, and out and into the light."
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"Here's to elective C-sections."
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"Just face it, baby. You don't know the first thing about women."
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"Aah, you're the best, Beth."
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"I don't know if you know this about me, but I was in two frats in college."
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"You wanna know why? Because I just couldn't decide."
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"Hey, ladies. Let's get this party started."
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"We're all getting drunk tonight!"
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