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Clips from Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000) - Foisted! (S09E09)

"( theme music playing )"
Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000)
"Larry: ♪ A robin feathering his nest has very little time to rest ♪"
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"♪ Will move the job along ♪"
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"♪ For a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down ♪"
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"♪ The medicine go down ♪"
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"Wha-- why didn't you keep the door open?"
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"Well, I-- I just didn't think you were the type"
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"who would want a guy to hold the door open for you."
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"- What type am I? - You know, you're a type."
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"you wear a tie, you got a vest."
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"I was just trying not to offend you,"
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"and yet I wound up offending you, which is quite ironic."
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"- And-- you know what I mean? - Uh, well,"
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"- So I would say type plus distance-- - Oh, you have an equation?"
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"- Yeah, type-- - You have an equation for the--"
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"Yes, it's a mathematical equation."
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"Uh, I made it up."
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"Well, you know, what kind of vibe I'm getting from you"
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"That's a--"
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"that's a big factor."
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"Larry: Huh?!"
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""Fatwa! The Musical," written by Larry David."
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"- Finally! - Five years."
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"- Five years. - Yeah."
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"You wrote a musical about Salman Rushdie"
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"having his life ruined 'cause he got a fatwa, a death threat,"
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"from the Ayatollah Khomeini."
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"I'm telling you, there's a lot of funny stuff in there."
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"Who do you think about playing Salman Rushdie"
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"and what about the ayatollah?"
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"but, uh, the ayatollah,"
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"I'm actually flirting with the notion of doing it."
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"- You for the ayatollah? - I don't know, I probably won't do it."
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"It's a stupid idea. It's just a..."
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"- How are you helping? - ...fatwa."
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"- Yeah. - Larry, I've seen everything on Broadway."
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"- This is my office. - It's a stupid fucking idea!"
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"Fatwa! People don't wanna see that. They want uplifting."
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"- They want-- - You don't even know what you're talking about!"
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"- You sound like a moron. You know that? - Do I, really?"
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"Yeah, you do. It's a good idea."
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"And by the way, what the hell are you doing here anyway?"
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"Well, I was in the area looking-- ah-- for venues."
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"- He-- does he know? - No."
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"- Sammi's getting married? - Yes, my little Samella. Yes."
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"- Who's the guy? - He's a vet."
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"- An Afghan war vet. - Really?"
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"with the, uh, you know, the PTSD?"
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"You don't know. You know, it comes on in a year or two."
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"He could wake up in the middle of the night and start punching."
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"- What is that? What are you doing? - He could wake up..."
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"All right. All right, you guys are fuckin' morons."
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"- Secretary: Your haircut's here. - Yeah, send her in."
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"- You get a haircut in the office? - Yeah."
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"- How are you, my love? - Good."
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"- Hi, Jeff. - Hiya, Betty."
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"How are you? Good to see you."
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"Jeff: Good to see you."
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"Huh."
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"So... sorry."
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"Oh, it's fine. I'm over it."
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"- Really? - Yeah, it's fine. Don't worry about it."
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"He didn't open the door for me. It was a whole thing."
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"- and the short hair... - In fact, he let it shut."
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"- ( overlapping voices ) - And then it was offensive to me, obviously,"
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"because it's just-- 'cause he thinks that I wouldn't want the door open."
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"- Anyway, I'm awfully sorry. - You know what? It's okay."
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"- Water under the bridge. - Water under the bridge."
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"She also happens to be a lesbian."
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"And she's marrying her partner in a few weeks."
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"( scoffs ) She's a lesbian."
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"She takes such great pride in having a lesbian friend."
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"( mocking ) "Oh. Oh, look at me, everybody."
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"I had lesbian friends before you knew what lesbians were."
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"- Hey, by the way... - Uh-huh."
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"You could. You could."
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"And you know what? I could do it for you."
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"And I'll open the door for you."
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"- ( chuckles ) Okay. - Huh?"
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"- Okay. - Okay. All right."
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"Hey, it's my long-lost assistant."
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"Welcome back!"
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"- Thank you. - Welcome back."
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"You had a nice little two-day unauthorized vacation."
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"Oh, not-- it wasn't a vacation."
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"- Oh, it wasn't? - No, I was-- I was very constipated."
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"- I couldn't poop. - No, I know what constipation is."
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"You don't come to work for two days"
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"because you were constipated?"
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"Yeah. Luckily it was only two days."
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"The whole world is out there constipated."
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"I got married constipated. People do things constipated."
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"You wouldn't want me here. I wouldn't-- I wouldn't..."
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"No, I would want you here. Why wouldn't I want you here?"
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"I feel like I'm wearing a cement inner tube."
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"- Mm-hmm. - And now, I mean,"
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"it's about being available for it to happen."
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"And it hasn't totally happened, I'm gonna be honest."
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"It's partially occurred,"
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"but I'm gonna soldier on here at the office"
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"so that we can get some stuff done."
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"You're gonna soldier on. Wow."
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"( Scottish accent ) Aye, lassie. I admire your courage."
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"This is one of those fields, like many, that isn't researched enough."
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"Perhaps, you-- you could champion the cause of constipation."
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"( laughs ) You could-- you could raise money."
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"You could go on, you could have fundraisers."
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"where people who are constipated get together and--"
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"- I don't-- - In fact, you know what else you might wanna think about?"
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"put in a toilet seat. ( chuckles )"
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"You know, have an office bathroom."
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"Maybe something to consider for the future"
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"if you wanted to look into the plumbing."
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"- Come on. Not a bad idea. - Um, anyway."
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"Well, uh, I did get a voicemail, and Richard Lewis called."
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"Aw. Hmm."
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"- Had you ever met him? - Yes. Yes, I did."
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"sometimes a text is inadequate."
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"Hey, do me a favor."
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"This pen is out of ink."
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