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Clips from American Dad! - Bar Mitzvah Hustle (S04E04)

"Hey, Etan. Just makin' sure that-"
American Dad!
"Uh, Etan, can you give us a minute?"
American Dad!
"Sure. I gotta go set up my gift registry anyway."
American Dad!
"I'm registering at Neiman Marcus..."
American Dad!
"or should I say, "Needless Markup." [Laughs]"
American Dad!
"Oh, Debbie, that's highbrow."
American Dad!
"Steve, I'm sorry, but..."
American Dad!
"well, Etan asked me to be his date to his bar mitzvah, and I said yes."
American Dad!
"What? You're dumping me for that snobby, rich kid?"
American Dad!
"Steve, I don't care that he's rich. I care that he's mature."
American Dad!
"I'm sorry, but I need a man... not a boy."
American Dad!
"A-A boy? Uh, c-could a boy produce tears this big? [Sobs] Huh?"
American Dad!
"You know what I think? I think a man doesn't sit around pouting."
American Dad!
"- A man doesn't get sad, Steve. A man gets- - Even!"
American Dad!
"Oh, I was gonna say a chocolate Lab puppy."
American Dad!
"I'm already sick of it. Can you walk it?"
American Dad!
"- There's no reason you can't walk it and get even. - Wait, I know."
American Dad!
"Etan cares about his bar mitzvah more than anything, right?"
American Dad!
"And what do kids get for bar mitzvahs? Gifts and lots of'em."
American Dad!
"- [Snaps Fingers] - Say no more!"
American Dad!
"Etan took what was precious to me..."
American Dad!
"Are you going to achieve that by rob-bing-"
American Dad!
"[Listlessly] Etan Cohen's bar mitzvah."
American Dad!
"Okay, we got it. [Exhales]"
American Dad!
"and devised the perfect plan to rob Etan Cohen's bar mitzvah."
American Dad!
"And once Debbie sees him freak out over losin' his precious gifts..."
American Dad!
"she'll realize that he's the little boy."
American Dad!
"- She'll be so turned off, she'll come runnin' back to me. - The fat one."
American Dad!
"Now, I analyzed blueprints of the ballroom..."
American Dad!
"and watched every heist movie from The Apple Dumpling Gang to Ocean's Twelve."
American Dad!
"on the whole "Julia Roberts playing Julia Roberts" thing."
American Dad!
"L-It wasn't even a little wink to the audience."
American Dad!
"- It was a huge plot point. - I know!"
American Dad!
"- Time to assemble my crew. - I'm in."
American Dad!
"Sorry, but my plan requires a crack squad of professionals- starting with a getaway driver."
American Dad!
"A wheel man? I know the perfect guy: Lucius Mayweather."
American Dad!
"- Roger? Wh-What the hell? - Roger? No. Lucius."
American Dad!
"That cracker's got a crack in his head, if you ask me."
American Dad!
"[Steve Narrating] In order for my plan to work..."
American Dad!
"the world's best demolitions expert..."
American Dad!
"Which leaves me with you three. Barry, Toshi, you know my Uncle Roger."
American Dad!
"Oo-ooh."
American Dad!
"And this is where Etan's gift table will be."
American Dad!
"Roger, your job will be to tell Etan that someone's trying to steal his gifts."
American Dad!
"This plan has more twists and turns than Lombard Street."
American Dad!
"You know, from San Francisco?"
American Dad!
"- Ah. - Ah. - Yep, I've been there."
American Dad!
"Now, Roger, you'll be posing as a waiter."
American Dad!
"No. I'll be Ernest Schlumple, Etan's long-lost great-uncle."
American Dad!
"When the Nazis annexed Alsace-Lorraine in 1940, Ernest fled to Mykonos..."
American Dad!
"- You're not doing an accent. - Oh, yeah?"
American Dad!
"Ah, you son of a bitch, you know I'm not a fighter."
American Dad!
"Well, you better start practicing your cell phone pitch..."
American Dad!
"because next week we have a meeting with Global Mobile!"
American Dad!
"- My God, it's happening. It's really happening! - It's happening, all right-"
American Dad!
"unlike that catchphrase I tried to start: "Nuh-uh to your uh-huh.""
American Dad!
"## [Kettledrum Roll]"
American Dad!
"[Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, goys and girls..."
American Dad!
"Drop your gifts on the gift table and your pants on the dance floor."
American Dad!
"- Have fun, everyone! - [Applause, Fades]"
American Dad!
"- Steve, what are you doing here? - I'm Barry's "plus one.""
American Dad!
"- Mazel tov, Etan. - Thanks, Bubbe Judy."
American Dad!
"So glad you could make it. Special day for us all."
American Dad!
"Stick around. I'm happy to share a little bit of... maturity with you."
American Dad!
"Come on, Barry. Let's go drop off your gift."
American Dad!
"Wow. This is gonna put my bar mitzvah to shame."
American Dad!
"[Man] #It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A. #"
American Dad!
"If I was gonna steal my gifts, how could I possibly do it?"
American Dad!
"- Oop, looks like we got a request for some adult contemporary. - ## [Fades]"
American Dad!
"- Okh! Why is it so hot? - ## ["Hava Nagila'"]"
American Dad!
"Etan, you've been standing here staring at your presents the whole party. Come and dance."
American Dad!
"- No! Someone is trying to steal them. - What?"
American Dad!
"- ## [Continues] - [Crowd Applauding, Cheering]"
American Dad!
"[Gasps] The vent! That's how they're gonna steal them."
American Dad!
"L-Let me down! They're stealing my presents."
American Dad!
"[Steve Narrating] See, thanks to Roger, Etan will think..."
American Dad!
"bar mitzvah cards, each filled with cash, checks..."
American Dad!
"What's gotten into you? No one is trying to steal your gifts."
American Dad!
"Have the valet pull our bikes around. I'll be out in a second."
American Dad!
"[Deejay] Attention. I'm no longer accepting requests..."
American Dad!
"Etan, what are you doing?"
American Dad!
"- Your old boyfriend stole my bar mitzvah money. - What?"
American Dad!
"The presents were just a clever ruse. He was after the money the whole time."
American Dad!
"[All] Aw."
American Dad!
"on someone who doesn't even realize it."
American Dad!
"Oh, good. Steve, you're still here."
American Dad!
"That is, unless Snot returns for some reason and blows the whole thing."
American Dad!
"Of course! You couldn't stand that my bar mitzvah..."
American Dad!
"is a million times more awesome than your crummy one's gonna be..."
American Dad!
"to share a doobie with the busboy in exchange for an angry "HandyJ. '""
American Dad!
"Everyone thinks Snot stole Etan's money. We have to come clean."
American Dad!
"That's for robbing Etan's bar mitzvah."
American Dad!
"- But you're skinheads. You hateJews. - What? No."
American Dad!
"We're the Lex Luthor Fan Club. They're the skinheads."
American Dad!
"I still don't understand how Etan's cards got in my jacket."
American Dad!
"Uh, it's a mystery all right."
American Dad!
"Don't worry, pal. Let's look to the future. How's your bar mitzvah coming?"
American Dad!
"- Because I'm taking him before the beit din. - I don't know what that is."
American Dad!
"- Yeah, I may have gasped too soon. - I know I gasped too soon."
American Dad!
"Beit din? Wh-What's that?"
American Dad!
"which rules on matters of justice."
American Dad!
"Yours really is a rich and fascinating tradition which we despise."
American Dad!
"Once the beit din hears what you did..."
American Dad!
"as a child!"
American Dad!
"The rest of my days as a child?"
American Dad!
"[Speaking Japanese]"
American Dad!
"Shh. [Speaking Japanese]"
American Dad!
"- We... never made it there. - What?"
American Dad!
"We ended up at an abandoned warehouse where some thugs took my wallet..."
American Dad!
"held your mother down and made her watch while they kissed my neck-"
American Dad!
"No! Forget it. My story makes no sense."
American Dad!
"You know what? If someone wants to explain this garbage to me..."
American Dad!
"I'll be in my trailer using this script to wipe my-"
American Dad!
"## ['60s Lounge Latin]"
American Dad!
"Now Snot may never get bar mitzvahed, and it's my fault."
American Dad!
"All because you refused to do the heist my way."
American Dad!
"I have to tell everyone the truth."
American Dad!
"- So, h-how's it goin'? - Not so good."
American Dad!
"- I'm pretty hungry. - Oh."
American Dad!
"- And I broke up with Etan. - You-You did?"
American Dad!
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