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Clips from Peep Show - Wedding (S04E04)

"'Oh, great. I didn't expect a freshly ironed shirt, but him? '"
Peep Show
"All right, keep your wig on."
Peep Show
"A pretty amazing unofficial stag night, yeah?"
Peep Show
"Two guys get hard-ons, they put melons on their dicks,"
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"Right and who won - Gore Vidal or Doctor Jonathan Miller?"
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"Is that? Nancy stayed?"
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"Yup. Lovely clean Nancy all over our filthy, horrible sofa."
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"Things are looking up. Right, the farewell breakfast."
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"I'm making you the last breakfast."
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"Yup. Sit down, I'm making toast."
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"That's right."
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"Oh, one of Super Hans's quite menacing friends started burning faces"
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"in the Mighty White with cigarettes, so that's all gone,"
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"Well, I'll just run out and get us"
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"some coffees and croissants and freshly squeezed OJ."
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"I haven't got very much cash at the moment and no-one round here"
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"Oh, fine. Super Hans tried to sexually assault me a couple of times,"
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"Super Hans."
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"Oh, right, OK."
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"Why are you not coming, Nance? Too many memories?"
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"- What? - Of us, of our wedding, when we got married."
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"I'm always forgetting that. It is so weird that we got married."
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"I know, I forget too, sometimes."
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"Said he's gonna buy me a condo and a boat."
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"Nancy, don't have the melon. That's not good melon."
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"Yup, yeah, a very exciting day."
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"You're gonna be married to Sophie for the rest of your life."
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"But if you love each other, then it's massive."
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"Fine, no, I agree, it's great."
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"It's massive, I'm really looking forward to it, all right, satisfied?"
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"Right, well, I'm gonna freshen up before I hit the road."
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"Jez, I need to have a look over your speech."
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"No, I don't think so, mate."
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"I don't mind it being risque, Jeremy."
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"I just wanna make sure it's accurate."
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"Also I will veto any jokes about mucus, vomit or excrement."
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"I don't really want to."
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"Come on, Jez, I'm feeling very tense and nervous and unhappy"
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"and I think maybe worrying about your speech is the reason why."
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"That isn't why."
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"Yes, well, can I please just see it?"
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"Well, no, cos the truth is, there is no speech."
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"- What? - Oh, come on, mate."
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"We both know you're not gonna marry Sophie today."
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"It's making you tense, nervous and unhappy."
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"You'll stay here with me. I don't make you tense, nervous or unhappy."
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"- Yes, you do. - Not to nearly the same extent."
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"And what's gonna happen to me? I mean, Nancy's going back to America."
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"I mean, am I gonna live here, like, on my own?"
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"Who am I gonna go to the pub with?"
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"Who's gonna do the forms for, like, the TV and the gas and the water? Me?"
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"Look, Jez, it's my wedding day and you need to write a speech"
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"cos I am going to get married."
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"Oh, shit, Nancy's in the bog."
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"Oooh."
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""the six most uncomfortable minutes of his life,"
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""and the six most uncomfortable minutes of Sophie's life"
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"I don't like it at all."
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"It sounds like I'm gonna attack her."
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"No, Jez, it's blue, put something else."
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"Pay? Jeremy, is that from the internet?"
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"Are you doing my speech from the internet?"
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"Yeah, that was a risque icebreaker."
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"Would you prefer a conservative icebreaker?"
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"Yes, that sounds perfect. Now, can we please get going?"
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"I've allowed us a generous four hours to get to the church,"
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"but I don't want to eat into our margin of safety by yakking here."
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"Ok, I'll do conservative icebreaker. Met at college material,"
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"couple of middle of the road inebriation gags, bang... I'm out of there."
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"Good. You know, I actually find it quite comforting"
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"that our entire relationship can be reduced to an online speech template."
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"I mean, Kenneth Halliwell and Joe Orton couldn't do that."
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"Is he gonna be OK?"
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"Oh, yeah, he's on the dry heaves, so the upholstery should be fine."
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"I don't think he'll die, he never normally dies."
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"Are you all right, Super Hans?"
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"Got most of it in a shoe."
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"You said you were on the dry heaves. That was a wetty."
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"I'm gonna puke again, Jez, pull over."
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"Jeremy, do not pull over, that's an order."
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"You'll have to be sick in this - we're on a schedule."
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"Just stop, all right. I'm gonna be sick, out of both ends."
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"Meet back in 20 minutes max, OK?"
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"You're actually marrying Sophie and leaving me on my own."
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"Well, yes."
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"- Don't be ridiculous. - This is you all over."
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"You'd rather get married for the whole of your life"
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"Listen, Jeremy, just get yourself to an internet cafe to cut and paste"
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"some appropriate sentiments about me from the worldwide web, OK?"
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"'I'm not marrying out of spite, I'm marrying out of fear."
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"'Oh, this is not how I imagined it,"
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"'Still, none of it's how I imagined it."
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"'Just wish I felt a tiny bit excited,"
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"Thank you."
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"'just to spend one night with her."
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"'Ah! Jenkins on Churchill, she is the perfect woman.'"
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"Can I help you?"
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"Can I get a filter coffee to take away?"
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"Yes, will you marry me?"
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"Sorry?"
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"Right, no, I don't think so."
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"OK, that's fine, no biggie."
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"'God, what's happening to me?"
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"'Am I really gonna get married?"
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"'I don't want to, but calling off the wedding at the last minute?"
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"'I don't wanna hurt lovely Sophie. Need time to think."
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"'Contract TB? But where from?"
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"'Try to get beaten up?"
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"'I could say, "He's got a fat head,""
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"'call him a jizz cock?"
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"'Road traffic accident?"
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"'Yeah, that'd kick everything into touch for a few months."
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"'Shit! Could I? Here it comes."
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"'Come on, Mark, take the hit. Keep your eyes on the prize.'"
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"What the hell are you doing?"
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"- Sorry, I didn't see you. - You were looking straight at me."
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"Well, you should be more careful, you jizz cock."
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"Yeah, yeah, fine."
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"Bit of a wobble. I just proposed to a woman in a coffee shop"
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"and tried to get myself run over."
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