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Clips from Modern Family - Pilot (S01E01)

"And you know what? Note to all of you who judge- Mitchell!"
Modern Family
"- Hear this. Love knows no race, creed- - Mitchell."
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"Or gender."
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"And shame on you, you small-minded, ignorant few- Mitchell."
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"Mitchell! What?"
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"[Whispers] She's got the cream puffs."
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"Oh."
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"We would like to pay for everyone's headsets."
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"[Man] ♪ Hey, hey ♪"
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"♪ Hey, hey Hey, hey ♪"
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"Buddy. Why do you keep getting stuck like this?"
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"I thought I could get out this time."
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"I'm just gonna say it. He needs to be checked by a specialist."
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"Ow! There. Be free."
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"Excalibur. [Chuckles]"
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"I'm having a friend over today. Who?"
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"Uh, you don't know him. Him? Him?"
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"Ooh, a boy. You gonna kiss him?"
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"- Shut up. - [Phil] Easy. Easy."
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"Yeah, shut up! No, you shut up!"
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"- Luke, Alex, why don't you take it outside, okay? - And do what?"
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"Fight in the sun. It'll be a nice change. Haley."
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"[Phil] I'm kidding. Who's the boy?"
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"His name is Dylan."
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"I might as well tell him not to come..."
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"because you guys are just going to embarrass me again."
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"You're 15, and it's the first time you've had a boy over."
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"I'm bound to be a little surprised, but I'm not gonna embarrass you."
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"- I better charge the camcorder. - [Cries Out]"
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"I'm kidding. Come on. Who are you talking to?"
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"I'm the cool dad. That's- That's my thing."
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"I'm hip. I- I surf the Web."
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"I text. "LOL"- Laugh out loud. "OMG"- Oh, my God."
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""WTF"- Why the face?"
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"Um, you know, I know all the dances to High School Musical, so-"
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"[With Recording] ♪ We're all in this together ♪"
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"♪ Yes, we are ♪"
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"♪ We're all stars Something, something you know it ♪♪"
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"[Alex] Mom! Dad! [Claire] What happened?"
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"Luke just shot me! I didn't mean to."
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"Are you okay? No."
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"- The little bitch shot me. - [Chuckles]"
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"What did I tell you would happen if you got him a gun?"
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"Deal with this. Buddy, uncool."
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"That's it? That's- No, no, no, no."
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"The agreement was that if he shoots someone, you shoot him."
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"We were serious about that? Yes, we were."
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"And now you have to follow through."
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"- [Crying] I'm so sorry. - Liar."
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"Go. He's got a birthday party."
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"- What's more important here, Dad? - You can shoot him afterwards."
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"He'll be home at 2:00. I can't shoot him at 2:00. I'm showing a house at 2:00."
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"- What about 3:00? - No, he's got a soccer game at 3:00."
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"4:15. You could shoot him at 4:15."
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"Yeah, I guess that works for me. Oh!"
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""Shoot Luke." Sorry, dude. It's on the calendar."
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"Oh, come on!"
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"I'm quitting soccer. It is a game for children."
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"No, you're not quitting."
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"You would have stopped that goal if you weren't staring at that little girl."
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"You know, Gloria, that little blowup with that other mom-"
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"If somebody says something about my family, I'm going to- I'm just saying."
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"You could take it down here a little bit. That's all."
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"That's all I'm saying. Manny, you're with me on this, right?"
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"I wanna tell Brenda Feldman I love her. Oh, for God sakes."
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"Manny, she's 16. Oh. It's okay for you to take an older lover?"
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"Hey, watch it. I wanna go to the mall where she works."
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"Okay. If that's what you really want to do. Seriously."
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"Not to be the evil stepdad, but if you put on a puffy white shirt..."
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"you're gonna be swinging from the flagpole in your puffy white underpants."
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"Stop the car. Oh, where are you going?"
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"[Car Horn Honking]"
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"See? You hurt his feelings. Ah- Well, if it toughens him up a little bit then-"
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"Oh, geez. He's picking flowers."
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"My first husband- he's very handsome, but too crazy."
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"It seemed like all we did was fight and make love, fight and make love, fight and make love."
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"One time, I'm not kidding you, we fell out the window together."
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"[Laughing] Which- Which one were you doing?"
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"[Chuckles]"
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"I'm hearing this for the first time."
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"This doesn't worry you?"
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"She barely slept on the plane and she's still wide awake."
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"- Oh, stop worrying. - I can't."
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"That- That orphanage was all women."
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"Maybe she just- she can't fall asleep unless she feels a woman's shape."
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"I guess that's possible. So here."
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"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
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"Yes, I've gained a few extra pounds while we were expecting the baby,"
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"which has been very difficult."
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"But apparently your body does a nesting, very maternal, primal thing..."
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"But that's science."
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"You can't- You can't fight it, so-"
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"- I'm not saying anything. - You're saying everything."
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"Count to three. One, two-"
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"Oh, Cam. This is beautiful. Oh, my God. Do you love it?"
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"Yes, I-"
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"What the hell is that?"
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"I had Andre do it while we were gone. Is that us, with wings?"
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"We're floating above her, always there to protect her."
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"Okay. Well, that's reassuring, right, Lily?"
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"Yes, we tore you away from everything you know, but don't worry, things are normal here."
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"Your fathers are floating fairies. No, can you call Andre,"
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"have him paint something a little less gay?"
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"By the way, we need to stop having friends with names like Andre."
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"Redheaded dad is angry daddy. No, I'm not."
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"Yes, you are. Even Pepper pointed it out on the way home from the airport."
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"Okay, that's another one- Pepper."
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"Okay, what's up?"
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"All right, look. I-"
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"I- I never told my family we were adopting a baby."
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"And- I know."
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"You do? Yeah, and I don't blame you. I know your family."
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"You'd tell 'em. They'd say something judgmental."
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"Exactly. You'd get mad."
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"I know. And then something that's supposed to be nothing but joyful..."
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"And who wants a big, emotional scene like that? Thank you. Thank you."
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"I'm so- I'm so relieved you understand."
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"I invited them over for dinner tonight."
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"What? I had to."
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"This would have gone on forever. You're an avoider."
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