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Clips from Scrubs - My Own Personal Hell (S05E05)

"[J.D.] It was a beautiful day, so I invited Elliot over to my half-acre"
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"for some friendly sunbathing."
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"He also didn't know I was rubbing Crisco on his back."
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"[Sighs]"
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"Hey, Gizmo."
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"I'm about to take out the Slip 'n Slide. Let's do it."
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"Hey, stud. You ready to fertilize an egg?"
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"- You are! - Yar!"
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"You'll never get my validation, hotshot."
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"And just exactly where was the poke?"
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"I froze. Gimme 20 bucks. I'll crack him over the head."
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"That was amazing, baby. I've never felt so close to you."
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"Oh, me too."
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"[Sighs]"
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"Were you not done cuddling, honey?"
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"Real reason, Turk."
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"Well, it's just on my back, really."
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"Oh. Right, right, right. OK. Um..."
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"Damn it! I can't get this!"
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"What? Laverne, what?"
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"Sorry. I switched places so I could go again."
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"Mrs. Levin has dementia, Rex."
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"And I know she loves sweets, so take the pill, put it in some raspberry jam,"
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"[J.D.] You can't choose how classy."
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"[J.D.] Bottom line, you can't choose your patients."
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"so you can think about just how lucky that makes you."
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"Now, here's a list of things I'm going to need you to take care of."
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"- Hey. - When are you coming over tonight?"
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"[Whistles] Listen up."
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"Now you're fairly strong at diagnosing, right?"
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"I'm actually all right with that."
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"Look at our three manly men."
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"I can't get pregnant and I already got a fertility test."
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"I am a man! And a man does not carry a purse!"
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"That's easy. I'm gonna sperm-jack him."
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"that I would even consider sleeping with is Jamie in Pediatrics."
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"- [All sigh] - I know."
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"So unfair."
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"It really is unfair, you guys."
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"No problem, Brown Bear. Are you nude right now?"
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"The good news for you, though, is that you have a case of hypercalcemia."
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"You're in very capable nine-fingered hands."
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"but I promise you, you will love it."
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"Honey? How could you think I wouldn't notice this on my dangle?"
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"I know we're having a hard time getting pregnant,"
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"but, sweetness, it could be you."
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"And men can make babies."
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"[Tapping]"
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"Perry, when I told you to treat Mrs. Cooke, I meant it."
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"when she went into cardiac arrest. She's OK."
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"I'm sorry. Looks like we're gonna have to take a rain check."
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"- Enjoy your evening, ma'am. - Thank you."
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"There is no way that you get to spring your little boy-toy here"
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"for a night of passionless passion while my ass is here"
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"[J.D.] It's a strange feeling when everyone's stuck in hell and you're not."
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"[J.D.] I was just glad to watch TV and, for once, not be in a world of crap."
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"- Why didn't you stand up for me? - [J.D.] Or not."
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"You switched last week and I totally defended you."
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"You know what's going on? You don't like, Keith."
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"Morning!"
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"Oh. Looking for this?"
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"I can handle this myself."
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"- Are you sure? - Yeah."
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"You got to want it, boys."
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"Awesome. Every intern wanted this case."
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"As a woman, have you ever noticed how self-esteem issues just creep up on you?"
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"I have sausage fingers."
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"and got Perry that promotion? Yeah."
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"If you're around, I'm having some java out front."
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"Oh, this is gonna be fantastic."
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"So it would mean a lot if you went with me."
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"Of course, buddy."
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"You know I'm not comfortable getting busy with myself."
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"Here are some tips. If you can't get over that you're doing it to yourself,"
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"Dr. Reid, we think it is lame that you give Keith preferential treatment."
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"[sighs]"
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"I don't even see how you could like that woman."
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"Cootchie-cootchie-cootchie-coo!"
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"[Speaks gibberish]"
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"Thank you, Bob. That means a lot to me."
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"I know that everyone is very upset,"
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"I'm gonna be handing out all case assignments."
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"Should I give it to the annoying intern?"
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"[J.D.] My friends were happy, and even though I felt like the fifth wheel,"
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"[Grunts]"
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"I'm gonna kill him."
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"[J.D.] I had finally won one."
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"Thanks for doing that, J.D."
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"I'd do it, but the Bobbsey Twins are already loose."
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"No worries. It's not that homoerotic, is it?"
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"Does it smell like pie crust?"
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"That's the rhododendron, Keith."
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"Everybody knows they smell like pie when they bloom."
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"- Hey, nice new watch, J.D. - Thank you."
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"I had only one option."
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"Come in, Brown Bear."
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"Dude, I can't. It's baby-making time."
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"- How's it going with Keith? - Awesome. Check this."
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"Bacon back! Classic!"
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"Dr. Cox felt this was big news."
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"All right. Here's how it's going to work, people."
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"I'm going to ask each and every one of you just exactly who"
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"is the very finest physician in this city, to which you will respond,"
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"If you do not reply in a timely and exuberant fashion,"
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""Popsicle you.""
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"Darling, just exactly who is the very best physician in our fair city?"
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"You are. And now, as agreed,"
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"you owe me a night on the town and some "me actually getting to finish" sex."
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"Well done. Now, down the line we go!"
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"- You are! - You are!"
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"God! Why?"
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"You combined "you" and "are." "Yar." It made no sense."
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"It's true, Lonnie. Everybody heard it. Poke him again."
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"- [Yelps] - Bob Kelso. Will you be joining us?"
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"Hm? There was a line. I assumed it had something to do with cupcakes."
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"Bob, obviously you read the article."
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"The last publication I read was the issue of Out"
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"my son left by the crapper when he was home asking for money."
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"Only kill him if you have to."
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"Turk?"
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