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Clips from The Big Bang Theory - The Irish Pub Formulation (S04E04)

"You know I can't keep a secret."
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"You can if you try. Think about it this way:"
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"Um, if I were Batman and you were Alfred, you'd keep that secret, right?"
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"Why do you get to be Batman?"
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"Because, uh, Batman has the secret."
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"- Well, Alfred has secrets too. - Like what?"
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"What?"
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"Ta-da."
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"It's short for:"
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"Da-da-ta-da."
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"I'm kind of busy here, Sheldon."
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"I know, that's why I shortened it."
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"What do you want?"
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"I came to go over your alibi for last night."
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"What alibi?"
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"You've asked me to lie on your behalf, and as you know..."
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"So I've provided you with an ironclad alibi."
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"...because you were with another woman."
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"Oh, I'm so sure I'm gonna regret this, but who was I with?"
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"The fun-loving and morally loose Miss Maggie McGarry."
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"Oh, God."
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"You met her at Pasadena's most popular Irish watering hole, Lucky Baldwin's..."
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"...where Maggie spends her nights tending bar..."
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"...with a head full of curls and a heart full of dreams."
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""Leonard, call me if you're interested in coitus."
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"Top of the morning to you."
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"You've reached Maggie McGarry."
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"Leave a message after the wee little beep."
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"It's pretty convincing, huh? That wasn't even a real person."
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"And here is the clincher."
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"A lock of Maggie's flaming auburn hair."
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"- Where'd you get that? - From an orangutan in the Primate Lab."
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"Well, no one's going to run a DNA test on it, Leonard."
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"Honestly, you over-think everything."
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"Nobody's going to ask about last night as long as you just zip your lip."
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"Thank you. Now, don't worry, everything's gonna be fine."
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"- Hey. - Hey, Leonard..."
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"...will you please tell Howard my sister's never been attracted to him?"
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"Well, come on, Raj, how am I supposed to know who she's attracted to?"
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"Or was attracted to?"
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"Or who she might be attracted to in the future?"
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"And I have nothing to contribute to this conversation..."
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"...because I, too, know absolutely nothing..."
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"...about Priya's preferences in male companionship."
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"What did you guys think of Caprica last night?"
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"- I didn't see it. - Didn't see it? Heh, what were you doing?"
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"- L... I was out. - What? On Caprica night?"
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"Yeah, uh, I went for a drink."
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"To, uh..."
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"...Lucky Baldwin's."
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"Oh, I've heard of that place."
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"Isn't that Pasadena's favorite Irish watering hole?"
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"- Yes. - Did you meet anyone interesting there?"
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"Perhaps a promiscuous redheaded barmaid?"
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"Uh, as a matter of fact, l... l... I can't. I can't. I can't do it."
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"I'm sorry, Raj, but the truth is I was with Priya last night."
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"Don't listen to him."
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"He's lightheaded from all the whiskey and pickled eggs in his system."
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"- What were you doing with Priya? - I believe coitus."
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"But more importantly, if Leonard had not abandoned his story..."
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"...would you have found it plausible?"
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"- Did you...? You slept with my sister? - Yeah."
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"How could you? We had a pact."
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"Excuse me, I think "She's my sister"..."
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"...takes precedence over a five-year-old pinkie swear."
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"May I point out in a parallel universe your friends are saying:"
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""Maggie McGarry? She sounds lovely.""
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"Now, I admit it, I may have crossed a line here."
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"But come on, Raj. Your sister is a grown woman."
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"And to her, I'm a forbidden piece of white chocolate."
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"No, no, no. Would it help if I told you that I offered her my heart..."
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"...and she kind of stomped on it?"
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"Very hard."
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"Okay, I'm good."
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"Okay, well, Raj, I just wanna say that I'd never betray your trust."
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"Unlike Leonard, I respect you."
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"- Really? - Mm-hm."
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"Was it out of respect that you didn't tell Raj..."
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"...about the time you dropped his iPhone in a urinal?"
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"Dude, I put that thing on my face."
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"I think a more amusing violation of Raj's trust..."
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"...is when Howard convinced him..."
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"Wait, that was all a lie? This year's gifts are already wrapped."
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"As long as we're talking..."
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"...how about the month Sheldon spent grinding up insects..."
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"Well, excuse me. That was not a betrayal."
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"- Oh. - That was an experiment..."
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"I can't believe you kissed my sister with moth mouth."
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"Well, uh... I can't believe you'd use Sheldon's toothbrush."
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"You used my toothbrush?"
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"Not the brush part. Just the little rubber thing..."
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"...that we've all done some things we're not particularly proud of."
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"But come on, we're friends."
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"Friends overlook each other's minor lapses."
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"For the record, Howard, I'm sorry that I broke our pact."
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"Thank you."
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"And I'm sorry about your phone and Thanksgiving."
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"And while we're at it, you don't have to wash our clothes on the 4th of July."
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"As long as we're apologizing, Sheldon, I'm sorry I used your toothbrush."
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"And I'm sorry..."
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"I got you a talking Thomas the Tank Engine for Thanksgiving."
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"With real puffing smoke?"
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"All right."
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"But I'm watching you."
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"Well, sure."
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"This is pretty good. What flavor is this?"
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"- Papaya? - No."
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"- Guava? - You're so close."
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"- I give up. - Mango caterpillar."
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"What are you doing?"
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"You said you liked it."
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"For the record, I was going to say, "Your sister Priya.""
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"- Corporate merger. - Can you believe it?"
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"Abundantly."
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"You've really got to get out more."
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"With sword."
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"There are some great research facilities in India."
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"Okay, he's in the bathroom. Let's go."
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"Which I've now just told to Batman. See, I cannot keep a secret."
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"An orangutan?"
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