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Clips from Friends - The One with Joey's Bag (S05E05)

"You give the worst massages in the world."
Friends
"You give the best bad massages."
Friends
"...and they thought, "Who's the best?""
Friends
"They'd have to go to you."
Friends
"So you're saying that if there was an award..."
Friends
"...for the best bad massage... Who would get that?"
Friends
"It would be you!"
Friends
"So they could call the award, "The Monica"?"
Friends
"Thank you for meeting me."
Friends
"Um, alrighty. Um, before we get started, I need you..."
Friends
"...to state for the record that you are, in fact, Frank Buffay."
Friends
"- Huh? - That's why you wanted me to come."
Friends
"Oh, yes."
Friends
"Yes, she did. She left you, um..."
Friends
"...this lipstick."
Friends
"Oh. Huh."
Friends
"Uh, cool."
Friends
"I have just a few questions to ask, so I'll get out my official forms."
Friends
"You were married to Frances' daughter, Lilly. Correct?"
Friends
"Okay, um, question two: Um, did that marriage end..."
Friends
"...A, happily..."
Friends
"...B, medium..."
Friends
"...or, C, in the total abandonment..."
Friends
"...of her and her two children?"
Friends
"It really says that?"
Friends
"I guess then I would have to say C."
Friends
"Total abandonment."
Friends
"Reasons for abandonment:"
Friends
"Um, A, top secret government work..."
Friends
"...B, amnesia..."
Friends
"...or, C, you're just a selfish, irresponsible..."
Friends
"I don't want the lipstick that much."
Friends
"Would you do me a favor?"
Friends
"Would you give Lilly..."
Friends
"...that, please? - What?"
Friends
"When you see Lilly, give her that note."
Friends
"I wanted to talk to her at the memorial..."
Friends
"...but I pictured her getting mad the way you did, and I chickened out."
Friends
"But you came to see Lilly?"
Friends
"Yeah. Why?"
Friends
"Lilly's dead."
Friends
"She's dead."
Friends
"Are you sure?"
Friends
"If she isn't, cremating her was a big mistake."
Friends
"I can't believe this. I just can't believe..."
Friends
"How long ago?"
Friends
"Seventeen years ago."
Friends
"Oh."
Friends
"What about the girls?"
Friends
"And Phoebe..."
Friends
"Yep, lipstick and a daughter. Big day for you."
Friends
"Whoops."
Friends
"It's just, I don't know what to say."
Friends
"Yes, well, that's neither here nor there."
Friends
"...that I was very, very sorry I left?"
Friends
"It doesn't matter what you say. It won't make a difference."
Friends
"So you can just go."
Friends
"- That's your defense? - Yes, it is."
Friends
"I burned the formula, and I put your diapers on backwards."
Friends
"I made up a song to sing to you, but that made you cry even more."
Friends
"You make up songs?"
Friends
"Sleepy girl, sleepy girl"
Friends
"You're keeping me up"
Friends
"I'm not very good at this."
Friends
"Not yet. No."
Friends
"Hey! How'd the audition go?"
Friends
"Estelle said I didn't get it."
Friends
"What? Why? Joey, you were so ready for it."
Friends
"...but the casting people had problems with me."
Friends
"What kind of problem?"
Friends
"...they had a problem with the bag! - Oh, my God!"
Friends
"You know what? It was a stupid play anyway."
Friends
"It's time to give up the bag."
Friends
"I don't want to give up the bag."
Friends
"You think I should give up the bag!"
Friends
"Joey, I'm sorry. As terrific as I think you are with it..."
Friends
"...I just don't know if the world is ready for you and your bag."
Friends
"I can't believe this!"
Friends
"Wait, I'm not saying you shouldn't have a bag."
Friends
"There are other bags that are maybe a little less..."
Friends
"...controversial."
Friends
"Yeah, um, they're called wallets."
Friends
"And the bunny got away."
Friends
"Oh, I know. Um, okay."
Friends
"See, look. Men carrying the bag."
Friends
"What's your name?"
Friends
"You guys have to get used to the fact that Joey..."
Friends
"But aren't you pissed at him?"
Friends
"Okay. And go."
Friends
"Do you sell these?"
Friends
"I'm crying here!"
Friends
"You, Monica! And you'd get all the votes."
Friends
"Okay..."
Friends
"Let's see, how did it go? Um..."
Friends
"Are you all right?"
Friends
"No, Joey. U-N-I sex."
Friends
"Huh."
Friends
"Sleepy girl, sleepy girl"
Friends
"Actually, it's kind of cool. Because it's like..."
Friends
"- Okay. - So, what did Frances leave me?"
Friends
"You just said..."
Friends
"...comes with a bag!"
Friends
"- Okay. - All right."
Friends
"Sit!"
Friends
"Trust me, all the men are carrying them in the spring catalog."
Friends
"Dude, look out!"
Friends
"- Hey. - Hey."
Friends
"I'd invite you, but, um, I only have two tickets left."
Friends
"Hey, Pheebs. I'm so sorry."
Friends
"If anybody was looking for the best bad massage..."
Friends