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Clips from The Big Bang Theory - The Dumpling Paradox (S01E01)

"Or we could just have a life."
The Big Bang Theory
"As usual, nice talking to you, Raj."
The Big Bang Theory
"What do you suppose she meant by that?"
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"She's an enigma, Raj."
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"- She's gone, Sheldon. - Oh."
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"Well, she could have said goodbye."
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"Okay, I have a problem."
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"It's called carpal tunnel syndrome, and quite frankly, you deserve it."
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"What's wrong?"
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"Well, um, Howard and Christy are kind of hooking up in my bedroom."
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"- Are you sure? - Look, I grew up on a farm, okay?"
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"From what I heard, they're either having sex or Howard's caught in a milking machine."
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"No. Yeah, take the couch, or my bed. I just got new pillows."
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"Hypoallergenic."
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"Uh, the couch is good."
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"You have a problem with this."
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"Where do I begin?"
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"Well, first, we don't have house guests."
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"Frankly, if I could afford the rent, I'd ask you to leave."
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"Your friendship means a lot to me as well. What else?"
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"Well, our earthquake supplies."
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"- We have a two-man, two-day kit. - So?"
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"So if there's an earthquake and the three of us are trapped here..."
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"...we could be out of food by tomorrow afternoon."
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"...we might succumb to cannibalism?"
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"No one ever thinks it'll happen until it does."
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"Penny, if you promise not to chew the flesh off our bones while we sleep, you can stay."
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"- Ha. What? - He's engaging in reductio ad absurdum."
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"It's the fallacy of extending someone's argument to ridiculous proportions..."
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"...and then criticizing the result. And I don't appreciate it."
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"I'll get you a blanket and a pillow."
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"Okay, since I'm obviously being ignored here, let's go over the morning schedule."
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"I use the bathroom from 7 to 7:20."
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"Plan your ablutions and bodily functions accordingly."
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"How am I supposed to plan my bodily functions?"
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"I suggest no liquids after 11 p.m."
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"- Here you go. - Thanks, Leonard."
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"Hm-hm. Wrong."
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"I'm listening."
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"Your head goes on the other end."
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"- Why? - It's culturally universal."
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"A bed, even a temporary bed..."
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"...is always oriented with the headboard away from the door."
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"It serves the ancient imperative of protecting oneself against marauders."
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"- I'll risk it. - Ooh."
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"Anything else I should know?"
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"Yes. If you use my toothbrush, I'll jump out that window."
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"Please don't come to my funeral. Have a good night."
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"- Sorry about that. - That's okay."
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"FYl, his toothbrush is the red one in the Plexiglas case under the UV light."
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"- Ha. Got it. - Well, sleep tight."
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"Thanks."
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"Funny expression, sleep tight. Ha-ha. Ha."
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"It refers to the early construction of beds..."
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"...which featured a mattress suspended on interlocking ropes, which occasionally--"
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"What are you doing?"
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"Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment I have awakened at 6:15..."
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"...sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America, and watched Doctor Who."
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"Penny's still sleeping."
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"Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment..."
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"...I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself--"
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"I know. Look, you have a TV in your room."
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"Why don't you have breakfast in bed?"
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"Because I am neither an invalid nor a woman celebrating Mother's Day."
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"What time is it?"
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"Almost 6:30."
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"I slept all day?"
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"What the hell is your problem?"
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"Okay, this cereal has lost all its molecular integrity."
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"I now have a bowl of shredded wheat paste."
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"Hola, nerd-migos."
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"Why do you people hate sleep?"
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"Are you wearing my robe?"
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"Oh, yeah. Sorry, I'll have it cleaned."
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"That's okay, keep it."
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"By the way, where did you get that loofa mitt?"
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"Yours reaches places that mine just won't."
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"You used my loofa?"
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"More precisely, we used your loofa."
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"I exfoliated her brains out."
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"You can keep that too."
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"Ah. Well, then, we'll probably need to talk about your stuffed-bear collection."
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"- Howard? - ln here, milady."
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"Mm. There's my little engine that could."
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"There's one beloved children's book I'll never read again."
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"Hi. Christy."
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"- Hey, Leonard. - I'm Sheldon."
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"Oh, terrific. Now we're running a cute little B & B."
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"- Why doesn't Christy stay with me? - You live with your mother."
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"I do not. My mother lives with me."
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"It's settled. Christy will stay with Howard, Penny can go back to her apartment."
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"And I'll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who..."
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"...although at this point, it's more like Doctor Why Bother."
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"- Sheldon, you just can't dictate-- - No more talking. Everybody go."
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"So, what do you say? Wanna repair to Casa Wolowitz?"
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"What is that, like a Mexican deli?"
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"I'm sorry, I should have mentioned this earlier."
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"My last name is Wolowitz."
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"Oh. That's so cool."
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"Howard, can't you see she's using you?"
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"Who cares? Last night, she pulled off her blouse and I wept."
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"Look, Howard, I know her, okay?"
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"She'll have sex with anyone as long as they keep buying her things."
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"- Really? - Yeah."
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"If you'll excuse me, I have some bar mitzvah bonds to cash."
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"I'm sorry, we cannot do this without Wolowitz."
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"We can't order Chinese food without Wolowitz?"
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"...divided amongst four people."
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"Fine. What do you wanna eliminate?"
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"- And who gets the extra dumpling? - We could cut it into thirds."
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"Then it's no longer a dumpling."
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"Once you cut it open, it is, at best, a very small open-faced sandwich."
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"Hi, fellas."
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"Wolowitz is with his girlfriend."
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"If you'd let me invite Penny, you would've had a fourth."
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"She uses a fork and she double-dips her egg rolls."
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"Can we please make a decision?"
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"Not only are there children starving in lndia, there's an lndian starving right here."
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"I'll know."
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"- How about soup? - Yeah, we can always divide soup."
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