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Clips from NewsRadio - The Trainer (S03E03)

who knows what else you're keeping from me?

"who knows what else you're keeping from me?"

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Well, you've got me, all right?

"Well, you've got me, all right?"

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and I'm actually 46 years old,

"and I'm actually 46 years old,"

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I'm secretly married

"I'm secretly married"

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and have two children living in New Jersey,

"and have two children living in New Jersey,"

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in my customized Dave-mobile.

"in my customized Dave-mobile."

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[♪]

"[♪]"

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Would the gentleman care for an hors d'oeuvre?

"Would the gentleman care for an hors d'oeuvre?"

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Yeah, I believe I'd like to try that stapler.

"Yeah, I believe I'd like to try that stapler."

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Very good, sir. Thank you.

"Very good, sir. Thank you."

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Why'd you keep it a secret for so long?

"Why'd you keep it a secret for so long?"

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Come on, Dave.

"Come on, Dave."

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Lie to them. Don't lie to me.

"Lie to them. Don't lie to me."

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I'm not lying, all right?

"I'm not lying, all right?"

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Okay.

"Okay."

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I care.

"I care."

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Look, this-- This little secret has...

"Look, this-- This little secret has..."

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sort of dogged me my whole life.

"sort of dogged me my whole life."

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if they found out I wasn't, you know...

"if they found out I wasn't, you know..."

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actually an American.

"actually an American."

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It's remarkably stupid. It's not stupid...

"It's remarkably stupid. It's not stupid..."

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No, it is. It's embarrassing.

"No, it is. It's embarrassing."

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...if it bothers you this long.

"...if it bothers you this long."

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Spies?

"Spies?"

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Well, when you're five, you don't really understand

"Well, when you're five, you don't really understand"

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Okay, now, sometimes after the first workout,

"Okay, now, sometimes after the first workout,"

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if you're a little out of shape,

"if you're a little out of shape,"

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a lot of emotional stuff can come up, so...

"a lot of emotional stuff can come up, so..."

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No, no, it's nothing like that.

"No, no, it's nothing like that."

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Okay, well, let me take a look at the contract.

"Okay, well, let me take a look at the contract."

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There must be some kind of loophole here.

"There must be some kind of loophole here."

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Nope. Not on this one.

"Nope. Not on this one."

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I don't need a loophole.

"I don't need a loophole."

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Quit?

"Quit?"

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I demand satisfaction now.

"I demand satisfaction now."

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Okay, let me hip you to something, pal. All right?

"Okay, let me hip you to something, pal. All right?"

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That dude in there? Ted Chambers?

"That dude in there? Ted Chambers?"

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honey bear type of guy to you, right?

"honey bear type of guy to you, right?"

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I got news for you. He's one bad S.O.B.

"I got news for you. He's one bad S.O.B."

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Okay? And he runs the show.

"Okay? And he runs the show."

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I can't even pop a zit

"I can't even pop a zit"

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Look at me. Who am I?

"Look at me. Who am I?"

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Quite frankly, I'm--

"Quite frankly, I'm--"

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Predicament?

"Predicament?"

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I mean, how did we get here? Sit down.

"I mean, how did we get here? Sit down."

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we are just like, you know,

"we are just like, you know,"

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Both got our demons, huh?

"Both got our demons, huh?"

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you know, doin' the crazy mornin' zoo crew

"you know, doin' the crazy mornin' zoo crew"

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with the prank phone calls, and the bells

"with the prank phone calls, and the bells"

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[♪]

"[♪]"

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Okay, before we start, let's just get this out of the way.

"Okay, before we start, let's just get this out of the way."

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Yes, I am Canadian.

"Yes, I am Canadian."

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Ah-ha!

"Ah-ha!"

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I didn't think it was such a big deal.

"I didn't think it was such a big deal."

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What, are you ultra sensitive about it or something?

"What, are you ultra sensitive about it or something?"

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Were you afraid we're gonna kick your ass?

"Were you afraid we're gonna kick your ass?"

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You should be.

"You should be."

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When I look around this table,

"When I look around this table,"

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Beth?

"Beth?"

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Oh, wow, you're from Africa?

"Oh, wow, you're from Africa?"

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And of course, Matthew's from Neptune.

"And of course, Matthew's from Neptune."

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JIMMY: Dave, I'm--

"JIMMY: Dave, I'm--"

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Uh, just-just a minute, please, sir.

"Uh, just-just a minute, please, sir."

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Now, Bill, I-I-I appreciate what you're trying to do,

"Now, Bill, I-I-I appreciate what you're trying to do,"

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Yes, it's true, Dave, if indeed that is his real name,

"Yes, it's true, Dave, if indeed that is his real name,"

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may not know who the 11th president was--

"may not know who the 11th president was--"

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Or who won the '67 World Series--

"Or who won the '67 World Series--"

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and North Dakota are--

"and North Dakota are--"

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Phoenix, Little Rock and Bismarck.

"Phoenix, Little Rock and Bismarck."

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Or what the state flower, bird and motto of Hawaii are.

"Or what the state flower, bird and motto of Hawaii are."

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Hibiscus, nene goose,

"Hibiscus, nene goose,"

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I don't remember.

"I don't remember."

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that Dave is actually very well-versed in Americana.

"that Dave is actually very well-versed in Americana."

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Maybe a little too well-versed.

"Maybe a little too well-versed."

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if you're insinuating that I am a spy,

"if you're insinuating that I am a spy,"

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Look, just because we're Canadian,

"Look, just because we're Canadian,"

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No, seriously. Say something in African.

"No, seriously. Say something in African."

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[AFRICAN ACCENT] Shut up.

"[AFRICAN ACCENT] Shut up."

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Yeah, thanks. I'll try.

"Yeah, thanks. I'll try."

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You're almost well-mannered enough to be a Canadian.

"You're almost well-mannered enough to be a Canadian."

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Good night. Good night.

"Good night. Good night."

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Dave? Can we see you for a second?

"Dave? Can we see you for a second?"

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Sure.

"Sure."

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Well, I think you forgot your torches and pitchforks.

"Well, I think you forgot your torches and pitchforks."

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We're sorry. Really sorry.

"We're sorry. Really sorry."

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We're very sorry. Really.

"We're very sorry. Really."

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You know, a lot of people are.

"You know, a lot of people are."

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[CHUCKLES]

"[CHUCKLES]"

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I'm just a little older than that.

"I'm just a little older than that."

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Some-- Sometimes I steal office supplies.

"Some-- Sometimes I steal office supplies."

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Me too. Me too. CATHERINE: Me too.

"Me too. Me too. CATHERINE: Me too."

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Okay. You're welcome. Good night, Dave.

"Okay. You're welcome. Good night, Dave."

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ALL: Bye.

"ALL: Bye."

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I'm sorry. I-- I should have told you.

"I'm sorry. I-- I should have told you."

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Yes, you should have. Mm-hmm.

"Yes, you should have. Mm-hmm."

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Oh, good...

"Oh, good..."

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Now, this, uh, Dave-mobile? Mm-hmm?

"Now, this, uh, Dave-mobile? Mm-hmm?"

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Is it, uh, automatic or stick?

"Is it, uh, automatic or stick?"

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Well, I could show you, but...

"Well, I could show you, but..."

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I'm going down to the Ted Chambers Gym.

"I'm going down to the Ted Chambers Gym."

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Thought that guy was rippin' you off.

"Thought that guy was rippin' you off."

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No, we worked out a special deal,

"No, we worked out a special deal,"

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Man, this is great.

"Man, this is great."

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And one.

"And one."

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Good. Let's go for two.

"Good. Let's go for two."

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Yeah, so, what's it like being on the radio, Bill?

"Yeah, so, what's it like being on the radio, Bill?"

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Bill? What--?

"Bill? What--?"

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BILL CLINTON: I wanna thank the First Lady

"BILL CLINTON: I wanna thank the First Lady"

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we've had in the White House,

"we've had in the White House,"

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for putting up

"for putting up"

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with a phenomenal amount of abuse

"with a phenomenal amount of abuse"

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solely because she happened

"solely because she happened"

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[DISHES CLATTER] to be married to me.

"[DISHES CLATTER] to be married to me."

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And doing it with good humor

"And doing it with good humor"

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[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

"[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]"

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Who's your favorite group? Uh...Kenny G.

"Who's your favorite group? Uh...Kenny G."

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Garbage. Definitely Garbage. Good choice.

"Garbage. Definitely Garbage. Good choice."

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You get to work 'em out on the radio

"You get to work 'em out on the radio"

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with your crazy zoo crew, with the prank phone calls,

"with your crazy zoo crew, with the prank phone calls,"

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and the bells and the characters.

"and the bells and the characters."

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