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Clips from The Goldbergs - Dungeons and Dragons, Anyone? (S03E03)

"ADULT ADAM: In the '80s, gym class was not"
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"the politically correct,"
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"supportive environment we know today."
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"(BLOWING WHISTLES) To say the least, it was humiliating."
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"Using these state-sanctioned calipers,"
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"I will rank you by weight and girth."
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"Let's grab that flab."
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"And it wasn't just our awkward bodies being judged."
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"It was also our athletic skill."
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"Or lack thereof."
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"A-ha! Didn't make it to the wall in time."
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"Assume the position."
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"They don't call it "butts up" for nothing."
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"(BLOWS WHISTLE)"
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"How is this a sport?"
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"But the greatest indignity of all,"
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"the sadistic ritual of picking teams."
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"Sposato."
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"In a public shaming,"
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"the strong were separated from the weak."
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"My friends and I were always chosen last"
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"for obvious reasons."
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"I'll take Sirota."
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"Sweet! The kid picked third-to-last"
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"was known as the "I don't know.""
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"I don't know. Dave Kim."
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"Yes! I'm not the worst!"
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"Second-to-last was the "I guess.""
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"Goldberg, I guess."
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"A fine choice."
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"The only thing worse than being picked last were the games,"
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"where the athletic ruled"
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"and the scrubs desperately wished to go under the radar."
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"Don't pass to me! Don't pass to me!"
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"Don't pass to me!"
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"(GASPING) What?"
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"Goldberg, you're the worst."
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"I welcome the feedback."
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"(REGAL MEDIEVAL MUSIC PLAYS) But luckily, for kids like me,"
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"there was another world where we were champions..."
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"Dungeons & dragons."
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"Long before Xbox, there was a role-playing game"
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"with 20-sided dice and a dungeon master"
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"who led you on adventures using books"
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"filled with monsters and treasure."
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"The firenewt is coming for you, Gribald the unreasonable."
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"I use my potion of fire resistance. (DICE THUDS)"
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"It works. Yes!"
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"Oh, no. Not this game."
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"I heard all about it on "60 minutes.""
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"A stuffy southern reverend said it's the gateway"
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"to black magic."
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"Don't worry, guys. I got this."
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"Okay, Mama, I won't play the thing"
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"that makes my heart happy."
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"You bewitched me, you little devil."
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"(SMOOCHING)"
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"Look away. I'm doing this for us."
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"BEVERLY: Dungeons & snuggles!"
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"Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah."
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"I'm a little devil, and I like kisses."
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"¶ I'm twisted up inside"
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"¶ But nonetheless I feel the need to say"
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"¶ I don't know the future"
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"¶ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ¶"
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"It was April 6, 1980-something,"
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"and my sister's plan for her future"
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"was about to rock our mother to her very core."
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"Mom, insanely great news."
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"I'm gonna do what you want and stay in state for college."
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"In state? That's where I live."
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"(CHUCKLES) Yes. Good. CMU it is."
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"Where in Philadelphia is CMU?"
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"Um, Carnegie Mellon's only like a little bit west."
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"How far west?"
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"Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh? No. Too far."
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"You're the worst daughter in the world."
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"Come on, Mom. It's a great school with an amazing music program."
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"No, you're gonna go to JFA right here in town."
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"We discussed this. I am not going to the Jenkintown Funk Academy."
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"Oh, so now you're too good for the funk. Huh."
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"Yes, the funk is in a mini-mall"
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"between a dry cleaner and a balloon shop."
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"(SCOFFS) Come on, Mom."
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"Even Mr. Glascott said CMU is perfect for me."
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"At least hear him out."
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"And then undermine and overpower him."
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"Okay. Sure thing. Set that meeting."
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"Dad, you need to come with us."
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"Mom is in full sabotage mode."
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"This is my dream."
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"And it's my dream to have one less moron living in this house."
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"I'll help you. Aw."
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"I'll go, too. College is a nonstop party."
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"You never even went to college, Al."
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"Yes, but I just watched Back to school"
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"with Rodney Dangerfield."
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"It's about this delightful old scamp"
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"who goes back to school, and it's hilarious,"
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"'cause let's face it,"
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"a guy that old doesn't go back to school."
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"But he does!"
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"He goes back to school, but good."
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"Are you done? I don't have to be."
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"While Erica and my dad were struggling"
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"to get my mom on board,"
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"my friends were fighting their way through enemy territory."
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"As you climb out of the pit,"
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"a band of marauding orcs awaits you."
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"Mondragor, your move."
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"Earth to Mondragor."
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"Sorry, guys. I can't stop thinking about gym class."
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"We've been picked last for years."
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"It's bull crap. Relax, dude."
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"The athletes rule now, but once we hit high school,"
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"our brains and elegance will be valued."
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"Really? For sure."
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"Until then, back to the orc attack."
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"More like dork attack! Nice."
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"Oh, God."
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