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Clips from Curb Your Enthusiasm - Porno Gil (S01E01)

"The cowboy hat with that bolo string, what is that?"
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"Now, was the ball closer to him or to you?"
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"- Very good question. - Thank you."
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"I think it was, maybe, a little closer to him."
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"But you couldn't be polite, reach down and pick up the ball?"
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"- I could've. - But that string..."
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"Same hat, no string..."
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"no question, I pick it up."
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"- I don't... - I see certain items, and I recoil in horror."
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"How's Jeff?"
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"- He might have to have a bypass surgery. - Really?"
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"- Can you believe that? - No."
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"- I thought he was going in for tests. - Went in, they wouldn't let him out."
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"- That's kind of scary. - I know."
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"I mean, it'll be fine."
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"Tell him I said hi and give him my best."
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"Yeah, okay."
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"And, John Debellis called."
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"I forgot to call him back."
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"Hello?"
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"Larry."
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"How are you, Gil? You sounded like my friend John."
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"I just called to say hello."
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"Saturday night?"
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"I need directions. Just fax them."
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"It's the same as my home number."
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"All right, very good."
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"Bye."
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"Directions for what?"
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"I dialed the number under John's by accident."
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"I got this guy, Gil Thilander, at the golf club."
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"- Who's Gil Thilander? - I played golf with him like three times."
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"He invited us to this party on Saturday night at his house."
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"Larry, we were gonna go out to dinner on Saturday."
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"I told him we'd go."
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"Who is Gil?"
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"He used to be a porno actor like 15 years ago."
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"- No, I don't wanna go to a porn party. - It's not a porn party."
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"- Please! - We're not even gonna speak to him anyway."
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"We'll go in, it's a party. We'll just say hello and that'll be it."
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"Listen, we'll go out to dinner, and then we'll stop by the party."
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"We'll be out in 10 minutes. We'll say hello, and we'll leave. It doesn't matter."
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"- So you got some kind of blockage? - Blockage."
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"I went in for normal tests, and he said, You're not going anywhere."
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"If we don't get this cleaned out, you're gonna have a heart attack."
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"They can tell ahead of time."
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"That's pleasant news. That's nice to hear, isn't it?"
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"You've gotta do me a favor, though."
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"I've got tests all week."
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"- Sunday, they're doing the procedure, okay? - Sunday?"
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"Susie will be here all day Sunday. She will not be leaving here."
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"The keys in the drawer there. Grab them, I wanna show you something."
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"Just trust me on this for a second. Get the keys."
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"They should be right in the drawer there. Yeah, okay."
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"- This key right here... - Mysterious."
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"Very mysterious. This key right here..."
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"my front door."
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"I need you to go into my house, go up to my bedroom..."
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"to the left of the TV, there's a cabinet by the bookcase there."
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"Open it up, move the linens, move 'em to the side..."
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"push on the back door, and it'll open up."
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"Inside there, I have my porn collection."
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"I have, seven, eight porn tapes, a couple of magazines, all right?"
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"I need you to get them out of there."
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"You've gotta get it out of there, because if something happens to me..."
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"You're thinking, the anesthesia, if something goes wrong..."
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"Anything goes wrong... She's not a big porn person."
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"You don't want your wife to discover your porno stuff?"
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"She doesn't understand that. I am not embarrassed."
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"I don't understand it either."
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"That's your own deal, Repression Jones."
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"Is there an alarm code, or anything like that?"
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"Easy, 99-88."
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"I better write that down."
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"In there, should be a pen and a piece of paper."
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"99-88. Okay."
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"I can't believe you have to write it down."
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"- What am I to do with these things? - Keep it in your trunk."
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"What if I get in an accident on the way home? What about that?"
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"- There's porn... - The porn flies everywhere?"
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"...strewn all over the car, all over my bleeding body."
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"- I am worried about the alarm code. - Nothing's gonna happen."
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"I'm no good with stuff like that. It's too technical for me."
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"99-88."
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"The alarm's gonna go off, they'll be a SWAT team descending on me."
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"This whole thing has disaster written all over it."
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"- It'll be fine, trust me. - Your wife better not show up."
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"I guarantee she's not gonna be there. She'll be here."
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"- I appreciate it, you're a great pal. - Good luck. Try not to die."
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"Try not to die."
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"Thank you."
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"Shit."
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"I don't understand how you give directions like this."
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"I thought this party was in LA."
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"I guess he's got..."
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"a weekend house or something. I don't know."
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"Larry, we've been driving for an hour."
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"We're, like, in the boondocks."
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"- Why don't you use your navigation system? - I don't know how to work it."
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"- You don't know how to work it? - No."
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"- Then why did you get it? - I don't know. I wanted to get everything."
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"I wanted to have all the loaded things."
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"When were you gonna learn?"
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"I don't know. I thought somebody would teach me."
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"- Why don't you call them again? - They're not picking up."
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"There's a party, they probably don't hear the phone."
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"We left three messages already."
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"Are you even reading those directions?"
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"I'm looking for Jake's Way."
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"That's all I'm doing, is looking for Jake's Way."
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"- You should be looking, too. - I have been looking."
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"These directions are shit, you know that?"
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"There's obviously nothing out here."
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"Wait a second, is that somebody?"
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"- Don't pull over. - Are you crazy?"
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"- They could be dangerous. - We're completely lost here."
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"Excuse me, could you help me out here? I'm trying to get to Jake's Way."
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"I was wondering what you were doing out here."
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"- I think I'm a little lost. - You're lost?"
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"I made a left at the gas station a couple of miles back."
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