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Clips from Lucifer - Is This Really How It's Going To End?! (S05E05)

"Right. Rig-- oh, I can see it clearly now."
Lucifer
"But there is strife within the family."
Lucifer
"Right. 'Cause all families are functional."
Lucifer
"And it seems you are not the only one vying for the job."
Lucifer
"Amazing. Yes."
Lucifer
"-Mm-hmm. -My no-good, manipulative bastard"
Lucifer
"of a brother is trying to steal it out from under me. [chuckles]"
Lucifer
"In fact, there are just a few swing votes left."
Lucifer
"Can you tell me how to convince my siblings I'm the right man for the job?"
Lucifer
"[Odetta sighs]"
Lucifer
"[groans]"
Lucifer
"You must lean into your strengths."
Lucifer
"Lean into my strengths, that's genius! [snaps fingers]"
Lucifer
"[laughs] I'm sorry."
Lucifer
"[clears throat] Go ahead."
Lucifer
"[Odetta] Hmm."
Lucifer
"I am sensing you are the skeptic in the relationship."
Lucifer
"How is she even doing this? [chuckles]"
Lucifer
"So, why are you here?"
Lucifer
"We are here about Jonathan Donnelly."
Lucifer
"Who is that?"
Lucifer
"He's the guy that you've been sending threatening texts to,"
Lucifer
"and don't bother denying it."
Lucifer
"Your phone records show repeated calls and texts to and from him."
Lucifer
"Oh. That Jonathan, yes."
Lucifer
"Yes, I didn't know you meant him."
Lucifer
"I have read for him in the past."
Lucifer
"If you're a real psychic, surely you would've known that."
Lucifer
"Actually, my specialty is channeling the dead,"
Lucifer
"and since Jonathan is very much alive--"
Lucifer
"-Actually, Jonathan is very much dead. -[Lucifer] Hmm."
Lucifer
"Tortured and shot in his wine locker"
Lucifer
"shortly after receiving your threatening text."
Lucifer
"Hang on, Jonathan is dead?"
Lucifer
"-And you think I did it? -How did you not see that coming?"
Lucifer
"Because she's not a psychic. She's a con artist."
Lucifer
"You advertise that you can locate lost items from dead relatives,"
Lucifer
"and you know who'd be the perfect accomplice in that scam?"
Lucifer
"A tech from the ME's office,"
Lucifer
"who has access to bodies and their valuables."
Lucifer
"That is absurd. I would never."
Lucifer
"One call to a judge, I subpoena your records."
Lucifer
"I get proof, and you go down for fraud and murder."
Lucifer
"Hang on now."
Lucifer
"I didn't kill anybody. Okay?"
Lucifer
"Why would I kill Jonathan?"
Lucifer
"Our hustle was genius."
Lucifer
"He would steal a valuable off a body,"
Lucifer
"plant it somewhere and then use targeted online ads to direct the family to use me."
Lucifer
"Mm-hmm. And then you'd magically find the family heirloom."
Lucifer
"Yep."
Lucifer
"You may not be a real medium, but that is an excellent scam. Respect."
Lucifer
"Oh, thank you."
Lucifer
"You're very welcome."
Lucifer
"But you see why I would be a total idiot to stop that money train."
Lucifer
"-Right? -Where were you last night at 8:00 p.m.?"
Lucifer
"Giving a reading…"
Lucifer
"to a programming exec"
Lucifer
"at Fox."
Lucifer
"Oh, good luck with that."
Lucifer
"So, just say that story checks out,"
Lucifer
"do you know of anyone else who would wanna hurt Jonathan?"
Lucifer
"Maybe one of the other families found out that their stuff was being sold?"
Lucifer
"What do you mean "other families"?"
Lucifer
"The ones that didn't bite."
Lucifer
"Jonathan would give whatever he took from their dead relative to a fence named TJ,"
Lucifer
"and then TJ would sell it on the black market."
Lucifer
"Great. What's TJ's last name?"
Lucifer
"I don't know. But I know that he works out of Hollywood."
Lucifer
"Helpful."
Lucifer
"[Dan] Boom!"
Lucifer
"Rainbow Lasso, which means I get to take Mr. Narwhal and put him in my stable."
Lucifer
"No, Dad, you can only throw Rainbow Lasso"
Lucifer
"if she's in your hand at the beginning of your turn."
Lucifer
"Oh, come on."
Lucifer
"You know what? These rules are confusing."
Lucifer
"Or maybe I'm just better at building unicorn armies."
Lucifer
"-[scoffs] Yeah, right. -I win."
Lucifer
"What?"
Lucifer
"Come on! Again?"
Lucifer
"-Want another shot at the unicorn title? -[scoffs] Yeah."
Lucifer
"But I go first because I'm wearing the most colorful clothes."
Lucifer
"[sighs]"
Lucifer
"Okay, fine."
Lucifer
"I'll lend you my glitter scarf, and then you can go first."
Lucifer
"But you have to wear it."
Lucifer
"[chuckles] I promise."
Lucifer
"Okay. And I have to go find it."
Lucifer
"[Dan] Cool. I'll clean up our mess."
Lucifer
"[knock on door]"
Lucifer
"[hums]"
Lucifer
"Hey, what's up, man?"
Lucifer
"Hey, hey, hey, hey. [chuckles]"
Lucifer
"-Dan, I figured it out. -What's that?"
Lucifer
"Uh, what I'm gonna do here now that I've decided to stay."
Lucifer
"-Oh, okay. -[sighs]"
Lucifer
"-I'm gonna become a policeman. -[both laugh]"
Lucifer
"I mean, I really like helping people,"
Lucifer
"and what better way to do that than putting away criminals?"
Lucifer
"[both laugh]"
Lucifer
"You wanna be a cop?"
Lucifer
"Won't it be great? I mean, we can even work together one day."
Lucifer
"Oh, yeah, yeah, an angel and a detective solving crimes, makes total sense."
Lucifer
"[laughs, stops]"
Lucifer
"-[clears throat] -You don't think it's a good idea."
Lucifer
"No, it's just that--"
Lucifer
"Bro, you're a freaking angel."
Lucifer
"-[sighs] -You were almost God."
Lucifer
"I mean, there's gotta be something that better suits your skill set."
Lucifer
"So you think it's a bad idea because I wouldn't be any good at it."
Lucifer
"No, that's not what I said. It's just that…"
Lucifer
"there are different kinds of people."
Lucifer
"Different kinds of jobs."
Lucifer
"[scoffs]"
Lucifer
"You know something? Of all people,"
Lucifer
"I really thought you'd be the one that would be most excited for me."
Lucifer
"-Amenadiel. -[door opens]"
Lucifer
"Okay, that-- that's not what I mea--"
Lucifer
"[door closes]"
Lucifer
"It's not what I meant."
Lucifer
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