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Clips from Family Guy - LASIK Instinct (S20E20)

"Hey, I got your message about the miscarriage."
Family Guy
"So, Saturday night?"
Family Guy
"What a dick."
Family Guy
"You know what? I'm gonna go poop in his shoes."
Family Guy
"You'd do that for me?"
Family Guy
"Sure I will, buddy."
Family Guy
"Hang on, Brian. I got one in the chamber."
Family Guy
"‐I'll join you. ‐Thanks, guys."
Family Guy
"I guess that just leaves us."
Family Guy
"Look, I think you're a total garbage person."
Family Guy
"‐Same. ‐And being nice to you goes against"
Family Guy
"‐everything I stand for. ‐Same."
Family Guy
"Okay, don't be the person who just says "same,""
Family Guy
"like it's a real response."
Family Guy
"You know what, let's just hate each other in public"
Family Guy
"and maybe not hate each other as much in private."
Family Guy
"Like George and Kellyanne Conway?"
Family Guy
"What is up with those two?"
Family Guy
"Ah, this is really gonna put ICU over the top, Meg."
Family Guy
"I am gonna be rich."
Family Guy
"Now, which one is better, the blue or the green?"
Family Guy
"Wait, how do you know what colors they are?"
Family Guy
"(gasps) Mom, you can see? I knew it."
Family Guy
"Okay, fine. Yes, I can see."
Family Guy
"I can't believe you've been lying. Why?"
Family Guy
"Don't you get it? I have to be blind"
Family Guy
"to keep the money rolling in."
Family Guy
"Nobody's gonna be inspired by a middle‐aged, cisgendered,"
Family Guy
"‐able‐bodied white woman. ‐Or man."
Family Guy
"Now, you keep your mouth shut, or I will..."
Family Guy
"Knock knock."
Family Guy
"Helen, is that you?"
Family Guy
"Oh, I'm so blind. (nervous chuckle)"
Family Guy
"I just wanted to say hello, welcome you to the show."
Family Guy
"Have you been to Burbank before?"
Family Guy
"‐Never. ‐Oh, well, while you're waiting,"
Family Guy
"check out this video I made"
Family Guy
"for the Burbank Tourism Association."
Family Guy
"HELEN (narrating): Welcome to beautiful Burbank, California,"
Family Guy
"home of more year‐round Halloween stores"
Family Guy
"than any other city in the world."
Family Guy
"Do you like Jack in the Box? Then you're in luck."
Family Guy
"We've got six of them."
Family Guy
"If you've ever wanted to visit a place"
Family Guy
"where you can hear the freeway from literally"
Family Guy
"every spot in town, then Burbank is for you."
Family Guy
"Want to do drugs in an empty swimming pool"
Family Guy
"with a couch in it?"
Family Guy
"Want to see what you imagine an affluent neighborhood"
Family Guy
"in Honduras looks like?"
Family Guy
"You can do all of that and so much more"
Family Guy
"in Burbank."
Family Guy
"(cheers and applause)"
Family Guy
"We're here with Lois Griffin, founder of ICU"
Family Guy
"and an inspiration to millions of easily persuadable women."
Family Guy
"So, Lois, I understand, in addition to everything else,"
Family Guy
"you've started the ICU Foundation."
Family Guy
"That's right, Helen."
Family Guy
"You know, you haven't really made it until"
Family Guy
"you're able to convince rich people"
Family Guy
"to give you money for a nebulous and undefined"
Family Guy
"important cause."
Family Guy
"And what will your foundation focus on?"
Family Guy
"Women's issues. And the environment."
Family Guy
"‐Refugees. ‐(applause)"
Family Guy
"Well, we support you,"
Family Guy
"so we've got a surprise for you."
Family Guy
"♪"
Family Guy
"Oh, my God. Reese Witherspoon?!"
Family Guy
"I love her."
Family Guy
"(all gasp)"
Family Guy
"Lois, how did you know it was Reese Witherspoon"
Family Guy
"‐if you can't see? ‐Ah."
Family Guy
"Um, that's‐that's just, um, what I say"
Family Guy
"when I'm excited. Reese Witherspoon!"
Family Guy
"Lois, are you actually blind?"
Family Guy
"Yes. I mean..."
Family Guy
"No."
Family Guy
"I was blind when I started ICU,"
Family Guy
"but I got my sight back a few days ago."
Family Guy
"I just wanted to make a difference and, you know,"
Family Guy
"maybe get money from sympathetic strangers."
Family Guy
"I'm sorry."
Family Guy
"Hey, y'all, can I put this big ole check down?"
Family Guy
"My arms ain't but small sticks."
Family Guy
"Oh, shut up, Reese Witherspoon, you big phony."
Family Guy
"There's no way you've read all those books"
Family Guy
"you slap your sticker on."
Family Guy
"Well, Lois, you've disappointed a lot of people here today."
Family Guy
"And since this is daytime TV, you'll have to stand trial"
Family Guy
"on a Black judge show."
Family Guy
"(upbeat theme music playing)"
Family Guy
"Lois Griffin, I find you guilty,"
Family Guy
"and I sentence you to pay your roommate back"
Family Guy
"for his dog food,"
Family Guy
"or whatever dumb (bleep) this one's about."
Family Guy
"Well, Lois, I'm glad you're not blind anymore."
Family Guy
"Oh, me, too. I just wish I'd handled it better."
Family Guy
"Hey, at least you got to go to Hollywood."
Family Guy
"‐Burbank. ‐What's the difference?"
Family Guy
"Oh, boy, I'll show you."
Family Guy
"HELEN (narrating): Want to get your car washed by a former Nickelodeon star?"
Family Guy
"Want to take an improv class from an instructor"
Family Guy
"you have to drive home after?"
Family Guy
"You can in Burbank."
Family Guy
"Buy a house with a second floor no one got permits for,"
Family Guy
"and then watch the 98‐degree winter nights tick by"
Family Guy
"through rusty bars on your windows."
Family Guy
"Share a duplex with that guy from that thing."
Family Guy
"Pay L. A. prices for Orlando amenities"
Family Guy
"in Burbank."
Family Guy