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Clips from Cheers - The Mail Goes to Jail (S03E03)

CRAZY, HUH?

"CRAZY, HUH?"

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YOU'RE KIDDING ME. MAIL THEFT?

"YOU'RE KIDDING ME. MAIL THEFT?"

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THAT'S RIDICULOUS. I'VE KNOWN CLIFF FOR YEARS.

"THAT'S RIDICULOUS. I'VE KNOWN CLIFF FOR YEARS."

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HE WOULDN'T BE INVOLVED IN SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

"HE WOULDN'T BE INVOLVED IN SOMETHING LIKE THAT."

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YOU'RE A FINE BARTENDER, SAMMY.

"YOU'RE A FINE BARTENDER, SAMMY."

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YOU, SIR, SURE ARE ONE OF BOSTON'S FINEST.

"YOU, SIR, SURE ARE ONE OF BOSTON'S FINEST."

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WELL, THANKS.

"WELL, THANKS."

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WE JUST HAD TO CHECK OUT THE STORY.

"WE JUST HAD TO CHECK OUT THE STORY."

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AND CHECK IT OUT YOU DID. THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT APPRECIATES

"AND CHECK IT OUT YOU DID. THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT APPRECIATES"

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THE COOPERATION OF YOU LOCAL BOYS.

"THE COOPERATION OF YOU LOCAL BOYS."

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I JUST HOPE OUR PENAL SYSTEM CAN REHABILITATE THE WRETCH.

"I JUST HOPE OUR PENAL SYSTEM CAN REHABILITATE THE WRETCH."

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THANK YOU, OFFICER.

"THANK YOU, OFFICER."

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CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? GUYS, YOU HEAR THAT?

"CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? GUYS, YOU HEAR THAT?"

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SAMMY, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO SHOOT SOME STICK? WHY NOT?

"SAMMY, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO SHOOT SOME STICK? WHY NOT?"

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THEY ARRESTED SOME GUY ON CLIFF'S ROUTE FOR MAIL THEFT.

"THEY ARRESTED SOME GUY ON CLIFF'S ROUTE FOR MAIL THEFT."

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YOU WANT EIGHT-BALL? STRAIGHT POOL?

"YOU WANT EIGHT-BALL? STRAIGHT POOL?"

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WAIT A MINUTE. NORMAN WAS FINISHING YOUR ROUTE. CLIFFORD?

"WAIT A MINUTE. NORMAN WAS FINISHING YOUR ROUTE. CLIFFORD?"

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WHOA, WHOA. WHAT WAS THAT? NORM?

"WHOA, WHOA. WHAT WAS THAT? NORM?"

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YOU MEAN THAT THEY ARRESTED NORM?

"YOU MEAN THAT THEY ARRESTED NORM?"

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YOU DIDN'T STRAIGHTEN THE COP OUT?

"YOU DIDN'T STRAIGHTEN THE COP OUT?"

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NOT EXACTLY. IT'S A LITTLE BIT COMPLICATED.

"NOT EXACTLY. IT'S A LITTLE BIT COMPLICATED."

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SO, SAM, YOU WANT TO BREAK? WANT ME TO BREAK?

"SO, SAM, YOU WANT TO BREAK? WANT ME TO BREAK?"

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CLIFFORD, GET BACK HERE.

"CLIFFORD, GET BACK HERE."

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OH, LOOK, ISN'T IT OBVIOUS WHAT I DID HERE?

"OH, LOOK, ISN'T IT OBVIOUS WHAT I DID HERE?"

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YEAH, IT'S OBVIOUS WHAT YOU'VE DONE.

"YEAH, IT'S OBVIOUS WHAT YOU'VE DONE."

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YOU'VE RUN YOUR BEST FRIEND, NORM, UP THE RIVER.

"YOU'VE RUN YOUR BEST FRIEND, NORM, UP THE RIVER."

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WE'RE IN TROUBLE HERE.

"WE'RE IN TROUBLE HERE."

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I MEAN, MY JOB'S HANGING BY A THREAD.

"I MEAN, MY JOB'S HANGING BY A THREAD."

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NORM'S IN JAIL ANYWAY.

"NORM'S IN JAIL ANYWAY."

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JUST LEAVE HIM THERE A LITTLE WHILE LONGER

"JUST LEAVE HIM THERE A LITTLE WHILE LONGER"

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WHILE I FIGURE OUT WHAT'S THE BEST THING TO DO FOR ALL CONCERNED.

"WHILE I FIGURE OUT WHAT'S THE BEST THING TO DO FOR ALL CONCERNED."

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NORM WILL BE OK.

"NORM WILL BE OK."

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HEY, NORM ISN'T AT SOME PARTY, YOU KNOW?

"HEY, NORM ISN'T AT SOME PARTY, YOU KNOW?"

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I MEAN, BY NOW HE'S HAD PROBABLY HAD ALL HIS VALUABLES TAKEN,

"I MEAN, BY NOW HE'S HAD PROBABLY HAD ALL HIS VALUABLES TAKEN,"

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BEEN STRIP-SEARCHED, BEEN DELOUSED,

"BEEN STRIP-SEARCHED, BEEN DELOUSED,"

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AND THROWN INTO SOME DARK, COLD CELL

"AND THROWN INTO SOME DARK, COLD CELL"

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WITH A SEX-STARVED PERVERT.

"WITH A SEX-STARVED PERVERT."

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SO?

"SO?"

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THAT'S HOW HE DESCRIBES A TYPICAL EVENING AT HOME.

"THAT'S HOW HE DESCRIBES A TYPICAL EVENING AT HOME."

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CLIFFORD. HEY, COME ON.

"CLIFFORD. HEY, COME ON."

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THE REASON I CALLED YOU HERE IS BECAUSE I'M LOOKING FOR AN ATTORNEY

"THE REASON I CALLED YOU HERE IS BECAUSE I'M LOOKING FOR AN ATTORNEY"

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THAT SPECIALIZES IN CRIMINAL FEDERAL OFFENSES.

"THAT SPECIALIZES IN CRIMINAL FEDERAL OFFENSES."

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YOU'LL BE DEFENDING THE BEST FRIEND I HAVE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD,

"YOU'LL BE DEFENDING THE BEST FRIEND I HAVE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD,"

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AND MONEY IS NO OBJECT.

"AND MONEY IS NO OBJECT."

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HOW MUCH?

"HOW MUCH?"

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FOR ONE GUY?

"FOR ONE GUY?"

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STICK YOUR WRIT IN YOUR BRIEFS,

"STICK YOUR WRIT IN YOUR BRIEFS,"

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YOU AMBULANCE CHASER.

"YOU AMBULANCE CHASER."

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LET'S LET SOME YOUNG HUNGRY PUBLIC DEFENDER

"LET'S LET SOME YOUNG HUNGRY PUBLIC DEFENDER"

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MAKE A NAME FOR HIMSELF ON THIS ONE, ALL RIGHT?

"MAKE A NAME FOR HIMSELF ON THIS ONE, ALL RIGHT?"

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LOOK, I WISH YOU'D SEE THIS THROUGH MY EYES.

"LOOK, I WISH YOU'D SEE THIS THROUGH MY EYES."

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I'D LIKE TO SEE THIS THROUGH YOUR EYES.

"I'D LIKE TO SEE THIS THROUGH YOUR EYES."

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COME ON, CARLA, NORM'S A SWEET, CUDDLY GUY.

"COME ON, CARLA, NORM'S A SWEET, CUDDLY GUY."

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THE JURY WILL TAKE ONE LOOK IN HIS SAD EYES,

"THE JURY WILL TAKE ONE LOOK IN HIS SAD EYES,"

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AND THERE'S NO WAY THEY'RE GONNA FRY HIM.

"AND THERE'S NO WAY THEY'RE GONNA FRY HIM."

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WHEREAS MY WHOLE CAREER COULD HANG IN THE BALANCE.

"WHEREAS MY WHOLE CAREER COULD HANG IN THE BALANCE."

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I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU HANG IN THE BALANCE.

"I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU HANG IN THE BALANCE."

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I NOTICE A CERTAIN REOCCURRING THEME IN YOUR COMMENTS, CARLA.

"I NOTICE A CERTAIN REOCCURRING THEME IN YOUR COMMENTS, CARLA."

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LOOK, NORM WAS DOING YOU A FAVOR.

"LOOK, NORM WAS DOING YOU A FAVOR."

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YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW

"YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW"

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IF YOU WERE GONNA GET INTO TROUBLE, CLIFFIE.

"IF YOU WERE GONNA GET INTO TROUBLE, CLIFFIE."

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COME ON, WILL YOU GET OFF MY BACK?

"COME ON, WILL YOU GET OFF MY BACK?"

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ALL RIGHT. LOOK, IF THIS IS WHAT I GOT TO DO,

"ALL RIGHT. LOOK, IF THIS IS WHAT I GOT TO DO,"

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I'LL DO THE GUTSY THING AND CALL THE POST OFFICE

"I'LL DO THE GUTSY THING AND CALL THE POST OFFICE"

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AND GET NORM OUT OF THERE.

"AND GET NORM OUT OF THERE."

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I'LL JUST CALL THEM AND TELL THEM IT WAS THE O'HARA KID.

"I'LL JUST CALL THEM AND TELL THEM IT WAS THE O'HARA KID."

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YEAH. HE WOULDN'T MIND SPENDING SOME TIME IN JAIL

"YEAH. HE WOULDN'T MIND SPENDING SOME TIME IN JAIL"

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IF YOU GET MY DRIFT.

"IF YOU GET MY DRIFT."

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[GROANS]

"[GROANS]"

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HEY, WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR?

"HEY, WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR?"

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IF NORM WAS HERE, HE'D BE LAUGHING.

"IF NORM WAS HERE, HE'D BE LAUGHING."

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IF NORM WAS HERE, HE'D BE TEARING OUT YOUR TONSILS

"IF NORM WAS HERE, HE'D BE TEARING OUT YOUR TONSILS"

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AND FEEDING THEM TO YOU.

"AND FEEDING THEM TO YOU."

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ALL RIGHT, LOOK.

"ALL RIGHT, LOOK."

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I'LL CALL AND SEE WHAT THE PENALTY IS,

"I'LL CALL AND SEE WHAT THE PENALTY IS,"

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BUT IT'S GOT TO BE ANONYMOUS.

"BUT IT'S GOT TO BE ANONYMOUS."

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OK, EVERYBODY IN FAVOR OF CLIFF CALLING,

"OK, EVERYBODY IN FAVOR OF CLIFF CALLING,"

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RAISE YOUR HAND.

"RAISE YOUR HAND."

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IT'S ANONYMOUS.

"IT'S ANONYMOUS."

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NOT EVEN AN EXTENSION.

"NOT EVEN AN EXTENSION."

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THAT'S JUST WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR.

"THAT'S JUST WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR."

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OH, HOW'D YOU MAKE OUT, SAM?

"OH, HOW'D YOU MAKE OUT, SAM?"

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LOUSY.

"LOUSY."

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THEY WON'T LET NORM GO

"THEY WON'T LET NORM GO"

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UNLESS THE POST OFFICE DROPS CHARGES,

"UNLESS THE POST OFFICE DROPS CHARGES,"

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WHICH MEANS CLIFF'S GOING TO HAVE TO TELL THE TRUTH.

"WHICH MEANS CLIFF'S GOING TO HAVE TO TELL THE TRUTH."

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I GOTTA TALK TO HIM.

"I GOTTA TALK TO HIM."

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HE'S ON THE PHONE NOW.

"HE'S ON THE PHONE NOW."

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CONFESSING?

"CONFESSING?"

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NO, HE'S FINDING OUT WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF HE DID.

"NO, HE'S FINDING OUT WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF HE DID."

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MEANTIME, YOU'VE GOT SOME OTHER PROBLEM.

"MEANTIME, YOU'VE GOT SOME OTHER PROBLEM."

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THE FURNACE GUY DIDN'T SHOW UP?

"THE FURNACE GUY DIDN'T SHOW UP?"

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NO, AND WE DECIDED

"NO, AND WE DECIDED"

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SOMEBODY SHOULD CLIMB INTO THE DUCT

"SOMEBODY SHOULD CLIMB INTO THE DUCT"

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AND TRY TO OPEN IT.

"AND TRY TO OPEN IT."

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WHO?

"WHO?"

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THE SKINNIEST PERSON WE COULD THINK OF.

"THE SKINNIEST PERSON WE COULD THINK OF."

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HA! YOU'RE KIDDING ME!

"HA! YOU'RE KIDDING ME!"

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DIANE ACTUALLY AGREED TO CRAWL AROUND IN THE AIR DUCT?

"DIANE ACTUALLY AGREED TO CRAWL AROUND IN THE AIR DUCT?"

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SHE HAD TO. SHE'D BEEN SHOOTING HER FACE OFF ABOUT IT ALL DAY.

"SHE HAD TO. SHE'D BEEN SHOOTING HER FACE OFF ABOUT IT ALL DAY."

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WHERE IS SHE NOW?

"WHERE IS SHE NOW?"

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UNDERNEATH YOU, SAM.

"UNDERNEATH YOU, SAM."

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WELL, I ALWAYS KNEW THAT, BUT--

"WELL, I ALWAYS KNEW THAT, BUT--"

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OH, MY GOODNESS!

"OH, MY GOODNESS!"

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HA HA HA! LOOKY HERE.

"HA HA HA! LOOKY HERE."

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HOW ABOUT THAT?

"HOW ABOUT THAT?"

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I'M GLAD YOU FIND THIS AMUSING.

"I'M GLAD YOU FIND THIS AMUSING."

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WELL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE, HUH?

"WELL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE, HUH?"

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AEROBICS, YOU IDIOT.

"AEROBICS, YOU IDIOT."

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WHY DON'T YOU GET OUT OF THERE, SILLY, SO I CAN FIX IT?

"WHY DON'T YOU GET OUT OF THERE, SILLY, SO I CAN FIX IT?"

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I CAN'T CRAWL ANY FARTHER,

"I CAN'T CRAWL ANY FARTHER,"

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AND MY CLOTHES ARE SNAGGED, SO I CAN'T BACK UP.

"AND MY CLOTHES ARE SNAGGED, SO I CAN'T BACK UP."

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I'M STUCK RIGHT HERE.

"I'M STUCK RIGHT HERE."

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OK, EGG TOSS FANS.

"OK, EGG TOSS FANS."

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STEP RIGHT UP.

"STEP RIGHT UP."

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HIT THE GEEK AND WIN A BEER.

"HIT THE GEEK AND WIN A BEER."

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THREE EGGS FOR A NICKEL.

"THREE EGGS FOR A NICKEL."

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SAM, AREN'T YOU GOING TO STEP IN HERE?

"SAM, AREN'T YOU GOING TO STEP IN HERE?"

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YOU BET YOUR BOOTIES I AM.

"YOU BET YOUR BOOTIES I AM."

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I ONLY GOT A DIME, SO GIVE ME SIX.

"I ONLY GOT A DIME, SO GIVE ME SIX."

Cheers

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