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Clips from Veep - Congressional Ball (S05E05)

"- Thank you so much. - This is Paul Graves, purple state."
Veep
"- He could go either way. - Like Baxter."
Veep
"I didn't know Jim Owens was working for Graves."
Veep
"Yeah. Oh, man, that was your one work friend."
Veep
"Yeah, he wouldn't return my calls after POTUS fired him."
Veep
"Oh, come on. It's been a long time. Go talk to him."
Veep
"- I can't. I can't. - Mike."
Veep
"Madam President, everyone knows I'm no fan of O'Brien,"
Veep
"but if I'm gonna cross party lines in order to hand you the presidency,"
Veep
"I'm gonna need something big."
Veep
"Okay, how big?"
Veep
"Why don't we go with Secretary of State?"
Veep
"Well, at least we know you don't need big balls."
Veep
"- Got large stones for sure. - Right?"
Veep
"I think it's something"
Veep
"we might be able to accommodate."
Veep
"- Excellent. Then, Madam President... - Yes?"
Veep
"- ...you have my support. - Oh, that's what I wanted to hear."
Veep
"Thank you so much, Congressman."
Veep
"Hey, enjoy the party, okay? Have fun."
Veep
"Ooh, we got Graves."
Veep
"- That was fantastic. - I know it."
Veep
"Oh, what about Doyle? You promised him State."
Veep
"- He knows I don't keep my promises. - He should know by now."
Veep
"Oh, I love your district."
Veep
"And I love your district."
Veep
"I love them both. (LAUGHS)"
Veep
"- FURLONG: Hey, where have you been? - What?"
Veep
"Turns out Nickerson is back on the fence."
Veep
"She said she never fully agreed to endorse you or support you."
Veep
"And I said maybe you'd remember better if I fuck your brain through your ear hole."
Veep
"- Then what did she say, Will? - She's pretty furious about it, sir."
Veep
"- Ben, you got to... - I'm on it."
Veep
"Why is Tom over there chatting it up with Jaeger?"
Veep
"- I don't know. I'll handle it. - No, no."
Veep
"I don't need your subtle charm on this."
Veep
"Bill, hi."
Veep
"Just wanted to reconfirm that I can still count on your vote."
Veep
"Actually, Madam President, I've been doing quite a bit of soul searching"
Veep
"and I'm afraid I need to listen to my conscience."
Veep
"Conscience? What the fuck are you talking about?"
Veep
"After much prayerful consideration, I have decided to abstain"
Veep
"from the upcoming congressional tie-breaking vote in Congress."
Veep
"- Abstain? - Yes, ma'am."
Veep
"But then no one wins, you dumbass."
Veep
"I was warned that you would say some hurtful things."
Veep
"Okay, hold on. Let me see if I can just explain this to you"
Veep
"in terms that you might understand, okay?"
Veep
"Let's say that your chief of staff... Nadia, is it?"
Veep
"- That's... - Okay, and she's down on her knees"
Veep
"and she's got your balls in her hand"
Veep
"and she's working your shaft just the way you like it."
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"And moments before you're about to come"
Veep
"all over her stupid Slavic face,"
Veep
"she says, Nyet, after much prayerful consideration,"
Veep
"I have to abstain from the upcoming blowjob."
Veep
"Are you Nadia in this situation?"
Veep
"Just get out of my sight. Oh, God, fuck."
Veep
"- Okay. - Let me guess, Jaeger's abstaining."
Veep
"- Yeah. - Nickerson, too."
Veep
"Tom's not lobbying votes for O'Brien."
Veep
"He's asking people to abstain."
Veep
"What the fuck is happening?"
Veep
"If no one gets a majority in the House,"
Veep
"the vote goes to the Senate. I explained this on election night."
Veep
"- I wasn't listening. - Yeah, but obviously Tom was."
Veep
"Tom James is an acknowledged master of the Senate's rules and procedures."
Veep
"So if it's up to the Senate, Tom is our next president."
Veep
"Well, he must be stopped."
Veep
"Is it too late to get Doyle back?"
Veep
"- We forgot to invite him tonight. - Okay."
Veep
"- That's great. - Tom!"
Veep
"Ma'am."
Veep
"Congressman Griffin. Mrs. Griffin. How are you?"
Veep
"- I'm very well, thank you, ma'am. - Good."
Veep
"I've been watching you all night and I know what you're up to."
Veep
"Oh?"
Veep
"You're trying to get up the courage to ask me to dance."
Veep
"(LAUGHS) Guilty."
Veep
"Ma'am, I would be honored."
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"Oh, thank you."
Veep
"- (APPLAUSE) - Oh."
Veep
"- Thank you. Hey. - Hey."
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"- How are you? - He asked."
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"- Thank you. Thank you. - He asked me."
Veep
"I think all this meeting and greeting has really made me work up an appetite."
Veep
"I'm starving."
Veep
"Yeah, you never get the chance to eat at these things."
Veep
"Never. You know what I really have a hankering for?"
Veep
"- What's that? - Korean barbecue."
Veep
"- Do you like Korean barbecue? - It's okay."
Veep
"There's this great place that I heard about."
Veep
"It's in Annandale. What is the name of it? I'm trying to remember."
Veep
"Oh, right, right. Um..."
Veep
"(WHISPERS) the Cocksucking Backstabber."
Veep
"Oh, keep dancing, Tom. Don't stop dancing."
Veep
"Don't look around. Nobody's gonna help you."
Veep
"No, no. Right. Ma'am, let me explain."
Veep
"What... what... what that... I think you're referring..."
Veep
"You know what? I think maybe we should go and talk in private."
Veep
"That's perfect timing, isn't it? Yeah?"
Veep
"- Yes. - (APPLAUSE)"
Veep
"- Thank you for your support. - Thank you."
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"- Thank you all. - Thank you so much."
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"- So nice to see you all. - Come. You can't get away."
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"- Let's go. Yeah. - Okay. All right."
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"- Right, we're gonna do it. - Thank you."
Veep
"How stupid are you, you motherfucking snake?"
Veep
"I know all about your meeting with Marwood and Purcell."
Veep
"I know all about how you're trying to fuck me"
Veep
"with that abstinence program of yours."
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"Underneath this whole honorable,"
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"decent, wholesome Boy Scout crap of yours,"
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"I know exactly who you are."
Veep
"- Oh, you do? - Yes, I do."
Veep
"Right, so I don't have to explain"
Veep
"that I am not someone who would piss away my presidency"
Veep
"- on a bunch of half-ass decisions. - What?"
Veep
"And, by the way, by messing around with that pretty boy"
Veep
"Charlie Baird, for God's sake."
Veep
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