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Clips from Weeds - A Distinctive Horn (S05E05)

"Okay, look. Hey, look."
Weeds
"The truth of the matter is..."
Weeds
"...you're cursed with schmuckness."
Weeds
"You want my help? Is that what you want? Fine."
Weeds
"-I will help you. -Oh, my gosh. Thank you."
Weeds
"After I slam his dick in this drawer."
Weeds
"-Let's go. He's not gonna help. -No. No. I will."
Weeds
"Seriously. But first, his dick, this drawer, slam."
Weeds
"-And then we get the pot back? -Guaranteed."
Weeds
"-This is bullshit. -No, no, no. It's cool."
Weeds
"-I can do this. -Are you out of your fucking mind?"
Weeds
"If I'm hard, it won't be so bad. Give me a second."
Weeds
"Take your time."
Weeds
"In the meanwhile, Silas, I need you to sign this power-of-attorney form."
Weeds
"Great. I will go see the judge tomorrow."
Weeds
"Now--"
Weeds
"Ready."
Weeds
"Right up in there. You good? Okay, here we go. One, two...."
Weeds
"Nice job baby-proofing, Shane."
Weeds
"Hey, I got the diapers just like you asked."
Weeds
"They're ecofriendly."
Weeds
"It got a name yet?"
Weeds
"It's a he. And for right now he's still Baby Boy Botwin."
Weeds
"You wanna hold him?"
Weeds
"-No. -He's your brother. Get used to it."
Weeds
"-I thought you said it wasn't an it. -Fine. Get used to him."
Weeds
"I gotta..."
Weeds
"...take a fucking shower."
Weeds
"-It's kind of cute. -Who cares?"
Weeds
"It's probably gonna wanna play soccer."
Weeds
"I've come to reclaim my territory, Super Fly."
Weeds
"You mean the piece of land..."
Weeds
"...my grandmother left to my thieving father..."
Weeds
"...to whom I am now the closest living relative?"
Weeds
"You in my house, lady."
Weeds
"Andy, I have a baby."
Weeds
"Oh, there's a lovely empty bedroom just across the hall."
Weeds
"With your name on it."
Weeds
"-Funny you should say that. -What do you mean?"
Weeds
"It means I just got an interesting call a little while ago..."
Weeds
"...from a lady at the hospital."
Weeds
"Phoned me to tell me about their new-daddy classes."
Weeds
"Perhaps I should check them out. I was, of course, confused."
Weeds
"Asked her if she had the right person. "Is this Andrew Botwin?" says she."
Weeds
""Why, yes," I reply, as I usually do to that particular question."
Weeds
"So riddle me this: Why would some lady..."
Weeds
"...from the hospital you were just discharged from..."
Weeds
"...be under the impression that I'm a new daddy?"
Weeds
"I couldn't put Esteban's name on the birth certificate."
Weeds
"So you put my name on it."
Weeds
"-Congratulations? -Yeah."
Weeds
"Little presumptuous, don't you think?"
Weeds
"No. You're always talking about how you wanna..."
Weeds
"...carry on the Botwin name."
Weeds
"-Mazeltov. You're a father. -No, I'm not."
Weeds
"-And I'm not signing a fucking thing. -What is the big deal?"
Weeds
"-It's a piece of paper. -It's not a piece of paper."
Weeds
"It's a fucking birth certificate."
Weeds
"The kid's first ID. You wanna make it a fake one."
Weeds
"-Way to start him off on a life of crime. -Oh, come on."
Weeds
"No. I'm through playing baby daddy to your kids."
Weeds
"Andy, I don't have anybody else."
Weeds
"Whose fault is that?"
Weeds
"You gotta get me out of this contract."
Weeds
"-Is this thing scented? -Jesus, Dean."
Weeds
"Isabelle would like to go to college."
Weeds
"You can't be spending the last dime you have on weed."
Weeds
"That belongs to a client."
Weeds
"This contract is signed, countersigned and notarized."
Weeds
"-Looks like you're fucked. -No. Isn't there something you can do?"
Weeds
"-I can get you high. -No, I'm clean."
Weeds
"-Do you have any booze? -Yeah, I got some Scotch."
Weeds
"Don't-- Come on. God."
Weeds
"-So tell me, who is this client? -Can't divulge privileged information."
Weeds
"But it rhymes with "drug" and "hilas.""
Weeds
"Their "pop" club got "rusted"..."
Weeds
"...and they need me to get their "shmarijuana" back from the "grolice.""
Weeds
"Of course. They have a room full of "shmarijuana"..."
Weeds
"...and I have a room full of You're Pretty!"
Weeds
"I'm so fucked. I sell a product that nobody wants."
Weeds
"And you, you have all of this pot..."
Weeds
"...that belongs to fucking assholes."
Weeds
"Hilas isn't an asshole. He's a nice kid."
Weeds
"Oh, really? He is?"
Weeds
"What did Silas pay you for all of your valuable legal advice, Dean?"
Weeds
"-I'm smoking it. -Tell me something:"
Weeds
"Are you a closer, or are you a loser?"
Weeds
"I like to close drawers."
Weeds
"All right, well, close the drawer, then, and open your mind."
Weeds
"I could sell a lot more makeup if I give a free gift with purchase."
Weeds
"Oh, no. I can't steal their weed."
Weeds
"No, you just tell them that you got ripped off by black people."
Weeds
"-They won't buy that. -They will when they see the bruises."
Weeds
"What bruises?"
Weeds
"Putz."
Weeds
"-You know, I admire you. -Go away. This is my spot."
Weeds
"Despite the backwards nature of your convictions..."
Weeds
"...you're tenacious, and that bespeaks a certain something of something."
Weeds
"-So bravo. -Hey, wait, which side are you on?"
Weeds
"I'm on the side of sticking to one's guns."
Weeds
"I finally said no to her."
Weeds
"Oh, God, the wave of relief that washed over me, weird protestor guy."
Weeds
"I'm buoyant. I'm a buoy."
Weeds
"Bluebirds on my shoulders."
Weeds
"Andy?"
Weeds
"-How's Nancy? Is the baby okay? -Baby murderer!"
Weeds
"Twenty-five feet, Gayle."
Weeds
"Baby's fine. A thousand suns in those chubby cheeks."
Weeds
"-You're wearing armor. -Well, you can never be too careful."
Weeds
"-And you're smoking. -Sometimes you can be too careful."
Weeds
"-Can I help you with something? -I...."
Weeds
"You wanna go out? I'll buy you dinner. I shaved."
Weeds
"-When? -Just now. Just right before I came."
Weeds
"No, when do you wanna go out?"
Weeds
"Tonight."
Weeds
"Pick me up here at 7."
Weeds
"-How will I know your car? -It has a distinctive horn."
Weeds
"You're in the cross hairs of the righteous."
Weeds
"Ignore the dark warnings at your own peril."
Weeds
"Take a Claritin, Gayle."
Weeds
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