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Clips from Avenue 5 - Are You a Spider, Matt? (S01E01)

"-(PHONE BUZZES) -HARRISON: Eight days, no comms,"
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"my companies are in the shitter!"
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"Look at my losses, Fudd!"
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"JUDD: Iris."
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"All right, cut the breeze. Trees, give us a second."
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"HARRISON: Do you understand wealth?"
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"If this blackout has put me in the red, Fudd,"
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"I will come at you like a crocodile after a turkey leg!"
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"Well, I'll come after you like an even more killy animal."
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"That was really bad. We need to work on your comebacks."
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"No, just, just..."
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"relishing the cold embrace of an empty inbox. (SIGHS)"
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"-Oh, well. -"Oh, smell," more like."
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"You know, you don't have to do comebacks with Ryan."
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"You know, you don't have to do comebacks with me."
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"Okay, give me that."
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"Do you use alcohol to fill the chasm"
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"left by the absence of fatherly love?"
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"Then come to happy hour!"
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"Five p.m. at the Judd Sports Bar."
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"Your dad won't be there. He never is."
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"Oh, hey."
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"You're the woman who saved us from space cancer."
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"Yeah, and you're the comedian who, um..."
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"Yeah. I didn't think this would be your vibe."
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"Oh, it isn't. No. Uh..."
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"The carpets are sticky and so are the people."
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"It's just a quick cut through to engineering."
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"So... (CLEARS THROAT) How long exactly is it"
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"until everyone starts eating each other?"
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"No, we've got enough food for years,"
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"it's just we're out of flavorings."
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"Oh, so... we're gonna not eat each other,"
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"but use each other as seasoning."
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"Wow, that was... quantifiably funny."
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""Quantifiably funny." I should put that on my posters."
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"Yeah, you should."
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"Can I try some new material on you?"
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"Okay. Go."
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"Uh, so I've got this bit about the papal poop."
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"I thought, "Oh, the Catholic church had already gone to shit.""
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"Something like that."
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"-Not funny? -Not listening."
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"I gotta go. But this has been, um..."
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"-Fun. -Not fun, but... you know..."
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"-It happened. -Yeah."
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"Tha-- Thanks, though, for the, uh..."
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"-BILLIE: Let's do it again. -...quantifiable..."
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"Yeah."
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"MALE REPORTER: With an emergency shuttle"
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"ready to take essential supplies and food flavorings to Avenue 5,"
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"all eyes are on Judd Mission Control."
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"Well, this is nice."
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"I'm amazed you wanted to come out."
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"We thought, with everything going on,"
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"-that you might wanna-- -(STAMMERS) We have a rule"
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"that we don't talk about work outside of work."
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"(CHUCKLES)"
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"Should we order? Get things over with?"
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"(CHUCKLES) Not over with. Underway."
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"Are we drinking?"
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"I might... treat myself to some water."
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"Water on the rocks. You guys?"
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"-ALAN: Uh, you choose. -The usual."
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"REPORTER: Anger grows as mission director Rav Mulcair"
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"refuses to deny that 500 non-essential passengers"
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"will be blasted from the ship."
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"ALAN: Uh, I think I might get the jackal paws"
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"-and cucumber snow. -ALL: Mm!"
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"I will get the wasp tapenade,"
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"owls in blankets, and some tree soup."
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"REPORTER: With still no answers as to whether 500 are to die,"
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"we ask Rav Mulcair: does she really fucking care?"
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"(CROWD MUTTERING)"
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"Jim, cancel the water."
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"I'll have that Mexican drink with the finger in it."
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"And a notepad."
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"Uh, no, this is fun time, not work time."
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"Alan, all time is work time now."
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"Actually, sod this lovely lunch."
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"I'm checking on the supply shuttle."
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"I'll get some rabbit nuggets to go."
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"All right, let's try another one."
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"I need real killer comebacks for this guy, Matt."
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"-No-holds-barred type of stuff. -That's right."
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"Okay, look at me. I'm Harrison."
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"-Okay. -Right?"
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"(IMITATING HARRISON) Fudd. Is that your face?"
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"Or a rectal prolapse with a dye job?"
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"(NORMAL VOICE) And your comeback is?"
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"-My face. -No."
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"-No. -It's a rectal di--"
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"-No. No. -Dye job. -Let's try it again."
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"-Let's try it again. -All right, all right. -Okay. Okay."
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"(IMITATING HARRISON) Fudd."
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"-You have the voice-- -Voice."
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"(NORMAL VOICE) What?"
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"I was trying to anticipate"
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"-what Harrison might say. -Oh, that's good."
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"-(IMITATING HARRISON) Hello, Fudd. -Fudd."
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"-You have the voice... -You have the voice..."
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"-...of a-- -...of a castrato."
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"I did not anticipate that."
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"You've been chemically castrated by your own effeminate glands."
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"How did you know about that, Harrison?"
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"(NORMAL VOICE) No. Again."
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"-How did you know-- -Try not to affirm the things he says."
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"Yeah."
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"-All right, let me try one. -What did Iris suggest?"
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""Hey, Harrison. Are you suffering from brain bleed?"
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"Don't worry. For you, that's a minor injury.""
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"(LAUGHING)"
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"Okay, I like that because it's suggesting his brain is small."
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"-(CHUCKLING) Yeah. -That's wonderful. That's very--"
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"Right. I'll keep it quick, you horse's arsehole."
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"-JUDD: Your brain is-- -Now, this period without comms has cost me--"
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"-(WHISPERS) If I'm a horse-- -Shut your pussyhole and listen. This has cost me billions."
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"And to prove that I'm very serious, Fudd,"
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"I've hired myself a paunchy white male to represent me."
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"-(WEAKLY) You have a bad brain. -SANDY: You are served."
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