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Clips from Veep - Midterms (S02E02)

"We're ahead on voter turnout in Lake County, Indiana."
Veep
"What? That's it?"
Veep
"That and the big quake hasn't yet hit San Francisco."
Veep
"Okay."
Veep
"Hello, everyone."
Veep
"Madam Vice President."
Veep
"Well, I have some good news."
Veep
"- It seems... - Hey, we are ahead on voter turnout"
Veep
"in Lake County, Indiana."
Veep
"J-dog out."
Veep
"I'm sorry, Madam Vice President, you were saying?"
Veep
"I was saying exactly that."
Veep
"Yeah, that'll take the edge off this cornhole."
Veep
"Everyone, please be seated."
Veep
"Keep up the good work. Okay? Hey, Ben?"
Veep
"Ben?"
Veep
"Did you borrow Selina's Miami Sunburst, Sue?"
Veep
"- No. - Oh, my God."
Veep
"- Mike, your phone's ringing. - Could you get it, please?"
Veep
"It's the morning shows. She's not doing them."
Veep
"This is Mike McLintock's phone."
Veep
"He's asked me to put you on hold."
Veep
"If I do not return, then you've got your answer."
Veep
"Am I disturbing your downtime, Mike?"
Veep
"Give me a break. I'm on eBay."
Veep
"Is this it? Nope, it's a rape alarm."
Veep
"Like she's ever gonna need that."
Veep
"I mean, she's not ugly, but she's got a lot of security."
Veep
"Communications is your job, Mike."
Veep
"I'm in a financial hole, okay?"
Veep
"I bought something I shouldn't have and I can't get rid of it."
Veep
"- What did you buy? - A boat."
Veep
"- Is that a euphemism? - No, it's a boat."
Veep
"It's a leaky fucking boat and no one's bidding on it."
Veep
"Do not yell at me, Mike. I did not force you to buy a boat."
Veep
"I have a cracked keel, I have to dry-dock it."
Veep
"There's a bilge, which I don't even know where the fuck..."
Veep
"Hey, stop talking about boats, please."
Veep
"Can someone please help me out for a second? One second."
Veep
"Okay, hmm, what is the solution to your problem, Gary?"
Veep
"Oh, use another lipstick."
Veep
"Wow, that was easy. What is the solution to my problem?"
Veep
"I sell a kidney?"
Veep
"You know what? You know what? Coral Blush."
Veep
"That's gonna look the same. Coral Blush."
Veep
"Stay over there."
Veep
"Ben?"
Veep
"Ben?"
Veep
"- What are you doing in here? - Getting away from the bad news."
Veep
"Just trying to realign myself."
Veep
"- You know what I'd like? - Uh-uh."
Veep
"I'd like to be cryogenically suspended."
Veep
"Yeah, and then be woken up in the future?"
Veep
"No, never wake up. Just stay suspended."
Veep
"Are you drunk?"
Veep
"No, I'm just depressed."
Veep
"All right, look."
Veep
"I got a plan."
Veep
"I'm gonna take more of a leadership role on"
Veep
"as vice president starting tonight"
Veep
"and I need your advice as how to set that in motion."
Veep
"Ask Kent."
Veep
"Kent Davison?"
Veep
"Yeah, he's back. Senior strategist."
Veep
"- No. - Yeah."
Veep
"Do you know what his strategy was two years ago?"
Veep
"Do you remember that? He had me hang with my ex-husband"
Veep
"like we were this normal, loving family."
Veep
"He made us go river rafting together."
Veep
"Catherine got giardia."
Veep
"And I had to listen to Andrew bang that skank"
Veep
"on the riverbank all night."
Veep
"I said to Kent, Can you make me feel good about this somehow?"
Veep
"And you know what he does? He points to a graph."
Veep
"- He is cold. - Yeah, he's got ice in his semen."
Veep
"Right. When's he coming back?"
Veep
"- Oh, he's back. - What?"
Veep
"He's already squirreled away in an air vent somewhere"
Veep
"with his fucking statistics."
Veep
"Where? Where's his office?"
Veep
"You know that portrait with the guy"
Veep
"who looks like a fat Wolverine?"
Veep
"It's just one door on the left from there."
Veep
"- But wait, wait, wait, wait. - What?"
Veep
"You know what's gonna happen to me tomorrow?"
Veep
"No."
Veep
"My good friend POTUS, my Gamma Chi brother,"
Veep
"is gonna summon me to his office and he's gonna show me a sword"
Veep
"and he's gonna tell me to take the sword"
Veep
"and slide it down my throat until it comes out my ass."
Veep
"Ben, one day we are gonna laugh about this."
Veep
"One final item..."
Veep
"although the vice president appreciates your offer"
Veep
"of stale pastries and pleasant conversation,"
Veep
"she will not be doing the morning shows tomorrow."
Veep
"Is she deserting a sinking ship, Mike?"
Veep
"Is that a crack about my boat? Really funny."
Veep
"- You guys are hilarious. - Put your boat on eBay."
Veep
"- Thank you. - Can you put a sinking ship on eBay?"
Veep
"- Thank you. - You can put anything on there."
Veep
"Has no track record as a senator."
Veep
"I've been around the block, honey."
Veep
"You haven't seen lipstick lying around, have you?"
Veep
"Oh, yeah, it's in the office"
Veep
"next to your Klonopin and feminine itch powder."
Veep
"Thank God."
Veep
"- Guess who's back. - Not Furlong yet."
Veep
"You can trust me and the people of Ohio."
Veep
"I think there's gonna be quite a few surprises tonight."
Veep
"Isn't that the catchphrase of the world's creepiest babysitter?"
Veep
"Speaking of creepy, Kent Davison is back."
Veep
"Kent Davison? The Pol Pot of pie charts."
Veep
"Wow, that guy is ruthless. A total inspiration."
Veep
"Hey."
Veep
"Hey, I know you think my stat guys are bullshit,"
Veep
"but we got early exits on Ohio gubernatorial"
Veep
"and they are not good for you, Mr. Egan."
Veep
"Shut up. Dan Egan's office."
Veep
"Hello, Dan. I've got Congressman Furlong for you."
Veep
"Here you go, sir."
Veep
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