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Clips from Cheers - The Boys in the Bar (S01E01)

"OK. Closing time. Everybody out."
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"Harry, how did you get in here?"
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"I came in the back door."
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"I don't have a back door."
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"Well, then, it's my secret."
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"I've been serving him all night."
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"Diane, you know I don't like this flimflam man in my bar."
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"Sam, that's a bit unfair, isn't it?"
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"Anyone with half a brain can see through his petty scams and tricks."
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"You're too kind. Thanks."
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"I hope he doesn't try to pull anything on you."
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"Me? It is to laugh."
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"Diane, I like you, you're smart. Let me help you clean up."
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"You gotta keep the cover on this table,"
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"because the heat from the lights will crack the felt."
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"Take care of it."
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"Harry, I'll take care of it. You can leave."
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"Let me save you a couple of steps with the check. I'll pay Sam."
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"Thanks."
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"Take care of that table."
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"Men can't make beds, either."
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"OK, Sam. Thanks a lot. Goodnight."
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"Harry, the bill."
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"- It's OK, I paid Diane. - I don't trust you."
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"Diane, will you tell Sam it's covered?"
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"It's covered."
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"Sorry I'm late, but wait till you hear what I did."
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"This afternoon, I spent five entire hours"
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"in a sensory deprivation tank."
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"Your room?"
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"I'm telling you, it was incredible."
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"Never have I felt more aware of what's going on around me."
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"- Excuse me. - Excuse me."
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"The whole idea is that there's a total lack of sensory input."
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"What the hell's going on here?"
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"A book promotion party."
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"How can that be in a place where no one can read?"
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"My old roommate, Tom Kenderson,"
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"wrote his autobiography, and I'm in it."
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"So, it's a press conference for yet another thick-headed jock epic?"
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"There must be confetti all over the Library of Congress."
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"For your information,"
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"this one's different. It's got a lot of good stuff in it."
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"- Like what? - Well, I haven't read it, actually."
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"- No, no. - Didn't want to wear out your lips?"
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"I meant to read it last night, but an emergency came up."
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"- And what was her name? - Sherry. That's not the point."
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"Tom's book should be really exciting due to the times we had together."
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"It's about how we handled the pressures of baseball."
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"Guys handle it differently."
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"Some guys turn to the bottle, some guys chase chicks."
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"Tom and I couldn't make up our minds."
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"- So you did both? - Yeah."
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"OK, well, let me speed-read this sucker."
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"And then we can talk."
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"- How long is that gonna take? - I'm on chapter four."
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"I always loved that kid Tommy."
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"Just a riot. He was always pulling something."
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"Is that right?"
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"He put my toothbrush in his sweaty socks,"
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"left dead animals in my locker."
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"One time, him and some guys held me down and shaved my whole body."
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"You just let him do that to you?"
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"No, Cliff. He was trying to cram me into a clothes dryer."
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"I pulled his socks right over his spikes."
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"Good one, Coach."
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"What a laugh the guys got. I could see them through that little window."
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"They were laughing."
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"Mayday."
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"- What a to-do. - How about this?"
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"Sam."
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"Yeah, I'm sorry. Carla Tortelli, Tom Kenderson."
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"Carla, nice to meet you."
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"I love you, Tom Kenderson."
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"Look, here's my number and a couple of quotes from past lovers."
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"- Thank you. - Come here, sweetheart."
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"Sam, he breathed on me. I'm a whole woman."
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"Coach, get her a seltzer."
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"- Sam, did you read my book? - No, I didn't. I'm sorry."
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"I really wish you had."
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"Did you put in that flight to Kansas City"
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"when we jumped in the garment bag with two stewardesses?"
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"- Yeah, but... - Then I'll die happy."
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"- Listen, let's get you famous. - You don't understand..."
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"Tommy, good to see you."
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"- How you doing? - Great."
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"Remember the time you put the analgesic balm in my jockstrap?"
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"Yeah."
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"I think of you when I get the itch."
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"- lt's good to be remembered, Coach. - My God."
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"Mr Kenderson, can we begin?"
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"Yeah, let's start. Let's do it."
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"Before we start, Sam Malone, come up here."
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"You all remember Sam, and if you don't, chapters seven through nine."
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"No, I'm a businessman now. I keep my clothes on, most of the time."
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"So, you two were real close?"
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"For three years we did everything together. We were never apart."
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"It must've been a shock when Tom wrote about coming out of the closet."
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"You mean in Detroit?"
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"I was with the waitress, and he came out of the closet wearing a..."
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"That's not it, is it?"
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"Yikes."
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"Is this some kind of joke?"
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"I wanted you to read the book, Sam."
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"It's still hard for me to tell people from the old days."
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"Sam, you said you two used to do everything together?"
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"No, you misunderstood that."
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"No. As a matter of fact, people used to come up to me and say,"
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""You two are best friends, yet you're completely different.""
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"Sam, there's an emergency in the back room."
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"- What? - I found holes in the pool table."
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"Yeah."
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"Will you excuse me?"
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"Some chick wants to see me. I can't get rid of 'em."
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"You guys know how it is."
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"So, honey, you can't go in the back room without me?"
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"Shut up."
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"Say it ain't so, Tom. Say it ain't so."
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"Thanks for getting me out before I made an ass of myself."
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"I was fast but you were faster."
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