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Clips from Seinfeld - The Bris (S05E05)

"I don't know why he asked me to be godfather."
Seinfeld
"We're not close. Because we're on the softball team..."
Seinfeld
"...I'm pitcher, he's catcher, he thinks we have a special relationship?"
Seinfeld
"I thought pitchers and catchers had a special rapport."
Seinfeld
"Maybe in hardball, with all the signals, but I'm just lobbing it in."
Seinfeld
"We don't have conferences."
Seinfeld
"He doesn't come out to the mound and encourage me."
Seinfeld
"What about me? I just watched a few games with her in the stands."
Seinfeld
"Don't they have friends? They're level-jumping on our friendship."
Seinfeld
"Yes, it is level-jumping."
Seinfeld
"So..."
Seinfeld
"...you been to a bris before?"
Seinfeld
"No."
Seinfeld
"I've been to a few of them."
Seinfeld
"If you start to get woozy later, which is quite common..."
Seinfeld
"...stay close to me. I'll get you through it."
Seinfeld
"I'm a cardiologist. I think I'll manage."
Seinfeld
"We're not talking about a manicure."
Seinfeld
"Imagine, this is gonna be his first memory..."
Seinfeld
"...of his parents just standing there while some stranger..."
Seinfeld
"...cuts off a piece of his manhood and then serves a catered lunch."
Seinfeld
"- Myra? - She'll be okay."
Seinfeld
"- Kramer, what's the matter with you? - Me?"
Seinfeld
"- Oh, that's the mohel. - He's here."
Seinfeld
"It's about time."
Seinfeld
"- Hi. - Hello."
Seinfeld
"- Hello, I'm the mohel. - Oh, hello."
Seinfeld
"It's very nice to meet you all."
Seinfeld
"What was that? Jeez, it scared the hell out of me!"
Seinfeld
"I mean, my God, I almost had a heart attack!"
Seinfeld
"Okay, I'm fine, I'm fine. Anyway..."
Seinfeld
"...we're here to perform the mitzvah of the bris."
Seinfeld
"Is the baby gonna cry like that? Is that how he cries..."
Seinfeld
"...with that loud, sustained, squealing cry? That could pose a problem."
Seinfeld
"Do have any control over your child?"
Seinfeld
"This would be the time to exercise it, when baby is crying..."
Seinfeld
"...in that high-pitched squealing tone that can drive you insane!"
Seinfeld
"- Did you find the place all right? - Did I find it all right?"
Seinfeld
"Could you send me to a more dangerous area?"
Seinfeld
"I'm dreading walking back to the subway..."
Seinfeld
"...someone shouldn't smack me and steal my bag."
Seinfeld
"Because I'll be lying there, and people will spit on me and empty my pockets."
Seinfeld
"I'll be lying in the gutter like a bum, a dog, a mutt, a mongrel, an animal!"
Seinfeld
"God forbid anybody should help me or call an ambulance."
Seinfeld
"That's too much trouble, to pick up a phone and press a few buttons."
Seinfeld
"What's the point?"
Seinfeld
"Oh, yeah."
Seinfeld
"Darling, you see where that glass is?"
Seinfeld
"See how the glass is near the edge?"
Seinfeld
"You've got the whole table to put the glass."
Seinfeld
"Why you chose the absolute edge so half the glass is hanging off the table."
Seinfeld
"You breathe, and it falls over. Then you've got broken glass on the carpet."
Seinfeld
"Embedded in the carpet fibres, deep in the shag, broken glass."
Seinfeld
"Bits of broken glass you can never get up."
Seinfeld
"Can't get it up with a vacuum."
Seinfeld
"Even on your knees with a magnifying glass..."
Seinfeld
"...you'll never get all the pieces. You think you got it."
Seinfeld
"Two years later, you're barefoot..."
Seinfeld
"...you step on broken glass and kill yourself!"
Seinfeld
"Is that what you want? I don't think that's what you want. Do you?"
Seinfeld
"He's very highly recommended, so..."
Seinfeld
"You're holding the baby?"
Seinfeld
"- No, no. - Hello. Who's holding the baby?"
Seinfeld
"- Who's holding the baby?! - Jerry is. Jerry, do you wanna...?"
Seinfeld
"Yeah. I'm holding the baby."
Seinfeld
"- Okay, go. - I'm going. All right, I am. I'm going."
Seinfeld
"- Don't push me. - Okay, you sit there."
Seinfeld
"Now I need the baby. Bring me the baby."
Seinfeld
"I need the baby!"
Seinfeld
"- No, I'm not gonna let them. - What are you doing? Come back!"
Seinfeld
"People, people. Compose yourself. This is a bris!"
Seinfeld
"We're performing a bris here, not a burlesque show."
Seinfeld
"This is not a school play. This is not a baggy-pants farce. This is a bris!"
Seinfeld
"A sacred, ancient ceremony..."
Seinfeld
"...symbolizing the covenant between God and Abraham."
Seinfeld
"Or something."
Seinfeld
"No, don't touch anything. Don't touch a thing."
Seinfeld
"I could have been a kosher butcher like my brother."
Seinfeld
"The money's good. It's got a union with benefits."
Seinfeld
"And cows don't have families."
Seinfeld
"You make a mistake with a cow, you move on with your life."
Seinfeld
"Anyway."
Seinfeld
"- Hurry up, George. Step on it! - All right, all right."
Seinfeld
"That damn mohel! He circumcised my finger."
Seinfeld
"- The mohel circumcised my finger. - You flinched."
Seinfeld
"Flinched? I did not flinch. George, did I flinch?"
Seinfeld
"Oh, how would he know? He blacked out. He fainted."
Seinfeld
"It was very traumatic."
Seinfeld
"Last thing I remember was you flinching. Then everything went black."
Seinfeld
"Who's got tissues? I need more tissues."
Seinfeld
"Look at this thing. It's my phone finger!"
Seinfeld
"- Careful. You're getting blood all over. - What about the baby?"
Seinfeld
"The baby's fine. They took him to the hospital as a precaution."
Seinfeld
"But look at me. I'm the one who's hurt!"
Seinfeld
"Will you stop it? You're just gonna need a few stitches."
Seinfeld
"A few stitches? I've never had stitches."
Seinfeld
"I'll be deformed. I can't live with that."
Seinfeld
"Goes against my personality. It's not me."
Seinfeld
"Hey, look at that. Boy, are you lucky!"
Seinfeld
"Another great spot in front of the hospital."
Seinfeld
"In an emergency yet! How lucky are you, huh?"
Seinfeld
"Is that unbelievable? How unbelievable is that, huh?"
Seinfeld
"Come on, give it to me. Give it to me."
Seinfeld
"- I've never seen a mohel like that. - That was a one-in-a-million mohel."
Seinfeld
"- I said I'm sorry. - Look at this."
Seinfeld
"- You'll be okay. I'll see you later, huh? - Where is he going?"
Seinfeld
"I'm gonna look for a bathroom."
Seinfeld
"Well, if it isn't Shaky the Mohel."
Seinfeld
"Nice circumcision, but it's not supposed to be a finger."
Seinfeld
"Circumcision was perfect. That was your fault. You flinched!"
Seinfeld
"Oh, who made you a mohel? You get your degree from a matchbook?"
Seinfeld
"You see? He flinched again."
Seinfeld
"Nice. You picked a hell of a mohel!"
Seinfeld
"One more peep, and I'll slice you like a smoked sturgeon."
Seinfeld
"- Oh, don't threaten me, butcher boy. - Butcher boy?"
Seinfeld
"Yeah, what was this?"
Seinfeld
"What was this? What was this, huh?"
Seinfeld
"Careful, Jerry, the mohel's got a knife!"
Seinfeld
"Hey, what's going on out here?"
Seinfeld
"You should be ashamed of yourself, both of you."
Seinfeld
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