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Clips from Cheers - Homicidal Ham (S02E02)

CLIFFIE, DO YOU SUPPOSE

"CLIFFIE, DO YOU SUPPOSE"

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THIS LITTLE TRICKLE HERE IS NOTICEABLE?

"THIS LITTLE TRICKLE HERE IS NOTICEABLE?"

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WOULD YOU GUYS COME DOWN HERE FOR A SECOND AND WATCH HIM?

"WOULD YOU GUYS COME DOWN HERE FOR A SECOND AND WATCH HIM?"

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I'M GONNA GO SEE IF THE POLICE ARE ANSWERING THEIR PHONE TODAY.

"I'M GONNA GO SEE IF THE POLICE ARE ANSWERING THEIR PHONE TODAY."

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GOOD. I WANT TO GO BACK TO PRISON.

"GOOD. I WANT TO GO BACK TO PRISON."

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I CAN'T MAKE IT ON THE OUTSIDE.

"I CAN'T MAKE IT ON THE OUTSIDE."

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HAVE YOU REALLY TRIED TO MAKE IT ON THE OUTSIDE?

"HAVE YOU REALLY TRIED TO MAKE IT ON THE OUTSIDE?"

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I'VE BEEN BEATING MY BRAINS OUT.

"I'VE BEEN BEATING MY BRAINS OUT."

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NO ONE'S GONNA GIVE AN EX-CON A BREAK.

"NO ONE'S GONNA GIVE AN EX-CON A BREAK."

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NO ONE WILL HIRE ME, NO ONE TRUSTS ME.

"NO ONE WILL HIRE ME, NO ONE TRUSTS ME."

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WHAT IS IT YOU WANT TO DO? WHAT ARE YOUR SKILLS?

"WHAT IS IT YOU WANT TO DO? WHAT ARE YOUR SKILLS?"

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I HAVE NO SKILLS.

"I HAVE NO SKILLS."

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I'M WORTHLESS.

"I'M WORTHLESS."

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DON'T YOU HAVE ANY AMBITIONS, ANY DREAMS?

"DON'T YOU HAVE ANY AMBITIONS, ANY DREAMS?"

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YOU'D LAUGH IF I TOLD YOU.

"YOU'D LAUGH IF I TOLD YOU."

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NO, WE WON'T.

"NO, WE WON'T."

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I'D LOVE TO BE AN ACTOR.

"I'D LOVE TO BE AN ACTOR."

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[LAUGHING]

"[LAUGHING]"

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GOD BLESS YOU, CLIFF.

"GOD BLESS YOU, CLIFF."

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I DID A LITTLE ACTING IN HIGH SCHOOL.

"I DID A LITTLE ACTING IN HIGH SCHOOL."

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I THINK I WAS PRETTY GOOD.

"I THINK I WAS PRETTY GOOD."

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AT LEAST IT WAS AN ESCAPE FROM SO MANY THINGS.

"AT LEAST IT WAS AN ESCAPE FROM SO MANY THINGS."

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SO GO OUT AND BE AN ACTOR.

"SO GO OUT AND BE AN ACTOR."

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WHAT ARE YOU BELLYACHING TO US FOR?

"WHAT ARE YOU BELLYACHING TO US FOR?"

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FAT CHANCE. NOBODY WILL GIVE ME A LOOK.

"FAT CHANCE. NOBODY WILL GIVE ME A LOOK."

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I'M GOING BACK WHERE I BELONG,

"I'M GOING BACK WHERE I BELONG,"

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OUT OF EVERYBODY'S WAY. PRISON IS MY HOME.

"OUT OF EVERYBODY'S WAY. PRISON IS MY HOME."

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I CALLED THE COPS. THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY.

"I CALLED THE COPS. THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY."

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CALL BACK. TELL THEM NOT TO COME.

"CALL BACK. TELL THEM NOT TO COME."

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GOT IT.

"GOT IT."

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WHY? WHY AM I DOING THAT?

"WHY? WHY AM I DOING THAT?"

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SAM...

"SAM..."

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WHEN ANDY SHOVED THAT GUN IN YOUR FACE,

"WHEN ANDY SHOVED THAT GUN IN YOUR FACE,"

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HE WAS ASKING FOR HELP.

"HE WAS ASKING FOR HELP."

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OH, SILLY ME, I THOUGHT HE WAS ASKING FOR MONEY.

"OH, SILLY ME, I THOUGHT HE WAS ASKING FOR MONEY."

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HE STANDS HERE AS AN EMBODIMENT

"HE STANDS HERE AS AN EMBODIMENT"

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OF A FAILURE OF OUR PENAL SYSTEM.

"OF A FAILURE OF OUR PENAL SYSTEM."

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YES. THIS MAN DOESN'T BELONG IN PRISON.

"YES. THIS MAN DOESN'T BELONG IN PRISON."

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SAM, WE--MOSTLY I--CAN SAVE THIS MAN'S LIFE.

"SAM, WE--MOSTLY I--CAN SAVE THIS MAN'S LIFE."

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WELL, HOW ARE WE--MOSTLY YOU-- GOING TO DO THAT?

"WELL, HOW ARE WE--MOSTLY YOU-- GOING TO DO THAT?"

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NEVER MIND THAT NOW.

"NEVER MIND THAT NOW."

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CALL OFF LES GENDARMES.

"CALL OFF LES GENDARMES."

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TRUST ME.

"TRUST ME."

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Coach: WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW, DIANE?

"Coach: WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW, DIANE?"

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WELL, I HAPPEN TO KNOW PROFESSOR SEBASTIAN DeWITT,

"WELL, I HAPPEN TO KNOW PROFESSOR SEBASTIAN DeWITT,"

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ONE OF AMERICA'S FOREMOST DRAMA COACHES.

"ONE OF AMERICA'S FOREMOST DRAMA COACHES."

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HE CAN SPOT AN ACTOR A MILE AWAY.

"HE CAN SPOT AN ACTOR A MILE AWAY."

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BOY, THAT COULD COME IN HANDY AT A DRIVE-IN.

"BOY, THAT COULD COME IN HANDY AT A DRIVE-IN."

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Sam: OK, I CALLED THE COPS OFF.

"Sam: OK, I CALLED THE COPS OFF."

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EXCELLENT.

"EXCELLENT."

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ANDREW, LISTEN TO ME.

"ANDREW, LISTEN TO ME."

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NOW, YOU WANT TO BE AN ACTOR,

"NOW, YOU WANT TO BE AN ACTOR,"

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AND I HAVE SOME EXPERIENCE

"AND I HAVE SOME EXPERIENCE"

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AS A STUDENT DIRECTOR IN SCHOOL.

"AS A STUDENT DIRECTOR IN SCHOOL."

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WE'RE GOING TO DO A SCENE--

"WE'RE GOING TO DO A SCENE--"

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DIANE, WHAT-- LATER, SAM. LATER.

"DIANE, WHAT-- LATER, SAM. LATER."

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NOW, IF I THINK YOU'RE GOOD ENOUGH--

"NOW, IF I THINK YOU'RE GOOD ENOUGH--"

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A VERY BIG "IF," BY THE WAY--

"A VERY BIG "IF," BY THE WAY--"

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BUT IF YOU ARE, I'LL ARRANGE FOR PROFESSOR DeWITT

"BUT IF YOU ARE, I'LL ARRANGE FOR PROFESSOR DeWITT"

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TO SEE YOU PERFORM.

"TO SEE YOU PERFORM."

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HE HAS CONTACTS AT EVERY THEATER ON THE CAPE.

"HE HAS CONTACTS AT EVERY THEATER ON THE CAPE."

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WOW. GEE, SAM,

"WOW. GEE, SAM,"

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I NEVER EXPECTED ANYTHING LIKE THIS

"I NEVER EXPECTED ANYTHING LIKE THIS"

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WHEN I CAME IN HERE TO STICK UP YOUR BAR.

"WHEN I CAME IN HERE TO STICK UP YOUR BAR."

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WELL, YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING.

"WELL, YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING."

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USE A GUN, GO TO CAPE COD.

"USE A GUN, GO TO CAPE COD."

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DIANE...

"DIANE..."

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WHY ARE YOU DOING ALL THIS FOR ME

"WHY ARE YOU DOING ALL THIS FOR ME"

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AFTER OUR LAST EXPERIENCE TOGETHER?

"AFTER OUR LAST EXPERIENCE TOGETHER?"

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WELL, I UNDERSTAND

"WELL, I UNDERSTAND"

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WHAT PEOPLE IN THE ACTING WORLD GO THROUGH.

"WHAT PEOPLE IN THE ACTING WORLD GO THROUGH."

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I DID A BIT OF ACTING MYSELF IN COLLEGE.

"I DID A BIT OF ACTING MYSELF IN COLLEGE."

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REALLY? MAYBE YOU COULD BE IN MY SCENE WITH ME.

"REALLY? MAYBE YOU COULD BE IN MY SCENE WITH ME."

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WERE YOU GOOD?

"WERE YOU GOOD?"

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WELL, I DON'T LIKE TO BRAG,

"WELL, I DON'T LIKE TO BRAG,"

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BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE LOVED MY WORK.

"BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE LOVED MY WORK."

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BENNINGTON IS STILL TALKING ABOUT MY TINY ALICE.

"BENNINGTON IS STILL TALKING ABOUT MY TINY ALICE."

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WHO WANTS A GIRL WITH A BIG ALICE?

"WHO WANTS A GIRL WITH A BIG ALICE?"

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I KNOW A BOOKSTORE THAT SPECIALIZES IN THEATRICAL BOOKS.

"I KNOW A BOOKSTORE THAT SPECIALIZES IN THEATRICAL BOOKS."

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LET'S GO AND PICK UP A COUPLE OF PLAYS. OK.

"LET'S GO AND PICK UP A COUPLE OF PLAYS. OK."

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GOOD. SAM, MAY I HAVE HALF AN HOUR OFF?

"GOOD. SAM, MAY I HAVE HALF AN HOUR OFF?"

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NO.

"NO."

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OH, YOU'RE RIGHT. I NEED AN HOUR.

"OH, YOU'RE RIGHT. I NEED AN HOUR."

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DIANE, CAN I TALK TO YOU HERE FOR A SECOND, PLEASE?

"DIANE, CAN I TALK TO YOU HERE FOR A SECOND, PLEASE?"

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EXCUSE ME. I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

"EXCUSE ME. I'LL BE RIGHT THERE."

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A MINUTE AGO,

"A MINUTE AGO,"

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YOU THOUGHT THIS GUY WAS JACK THE RIPPER.

"YOU THOUGHT THIS GUY WAS JACK THE RIPPER."

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NOW, YOU'RE GONNA GO OUT BROWSING WITH HIM?

"NOW, YOU'RE GONNA GO OUT BROWSING WITH HIM?"

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NOW I KNOW HIM.

"NOW I KNOW HIM."

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SAM, LOOK AT HIM.

"SAM, LOOK AT HIM."

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DOES HE LOOK LIKE A DANGEROUS PERSON?

"DOES HE LOOK LIKE A DANGEROUS PERSON?"

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THE GUY HAS DONE TIME.

"THE GUY HAS DONE TIME."

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HE MADE ONE SMALL MISTAKE.

"HE MADE ONE SMALL MISTAKE."

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NO, NO. HE MADE A BIG ONE.

"NO, NO. HE MADE A BIG ONE."

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HE'S A MURDERER, DIANE.

"HE'S A MURDERER, DIANE."

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ONE MURDER DOES NOT A MURDERER MAKE.

"ONE MURDER DOES NOT A MURDERER MAKE."

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OK, WHAT I MEAN IS, HE'S NOT A MURDERER AT HEART.

"OK, WHAT I MEAN IS, HE'S NOT A MURDERER AT HEART."

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ANYONE WHO LOVES THE THEATER LOVES MANKIND.

"ANYONE WHO LOVES THE THEATER LOVES MANKIND."

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I JUST DON'T THINK

"I JUST DON'T THINK"

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THAT SOMEBODY SHOULD GO OUT WITH A CRAZY PERSON.

"THAT SOMEBODY SHOULD GO OUT WITH A CRAZY PERSON."

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I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

"I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF."

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NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT ME.

"NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT ME."

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HIE THEE, ANDREW.

"HIE THEE, ANDREW."

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LET US AWAY.

"LET US AWAY."

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SAM?

"SAM?"

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I SENSE THAT YOU'RE UNEASY

"I SENSE THAT YOU'RE UNEASY"

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ABOUT ONE OF YOUR EMPLOYEES

"ABOUT ONE OF YOUR EMPLOYEES"

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BEING IN DANGER WITH ME.

"BEING IN DANGER WITH ME."

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SAM, MY CRIME OCCURRED A LONG TIME AGO.

"SAM, MY CRIME OCCURRED A LONG TIME AGO."

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I WAS A DIFFERENT PERSON THEN.

"I WAS A DIFFERENT PERSON THEN."

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I HAD ONE TERRIBLE MOMENT

"I HAD ONE TERRIBLE MOMENT"

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OF TEMPORARY INSANITY,

"OF TEMPORARY INSANITY,"

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BUT I'M MUCH BETTER NOW.

"BUT I'M MUCH BETTER NOW."

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I'M MUCH HEALTHIER.

"I'M MUCH HEALTHIER."

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I CAN'T REMEMBER

"I CAN'T REMEMBER"

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THE LAST TIME I HEARD THOSE VOICES.

"THE LAST TIME I HEARD THOSE VOICES."

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WELL, I'M GLAD--

"WELL, I'M GLAD--"

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WHAT VOICES?

"WHAT VOICES?"

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THOSE SHRILL VOICES

"THOSE SHRILL VOICES"

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THAT USED TO SOUND LIKE MY--

"THAT USED TO SOUND LIKE MY--"

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