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Clips from The Golden Girls - It's a Miserable Life (S02E02)

"Our garbage commissioner, Fredo Lombardy, went on strike once."
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"- I knew that. - See?"
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"But now, no-one will ever know."
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"I'm so sorry for the intrusion."
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"I said it might not be such a good idea to disturb a person's resting place."
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"Hi, Ma. How did you do?"
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"- I got 35 people to sign up. - That's great."
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"Wait, Ma, three of these people are dead."
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"Who are they gonna tell?"
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"- Hi. - Hi, Blanche."
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"There you go."
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"You've been gone three hours and you only got one guy to sign?"
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"Give me a chance to freshen up."
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"I'll get you another one."
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"Girls. I've got some bad news."
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"I couldn't get Mrs Claxton to sign the petition."
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"That tree's on her property."
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"If she doesn't sign, the city will chop the tree down."
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"It doesn't make sense. Why would she wanna cut down that 200-year-old oak?"
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"Because Frieda Claxton is a miserable, vile, scum-sucking crank"
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"who gives nice old ladies like me a bad name."
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"Believe me, she's a totally rotten human being."
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"There is no such a thing as a rotten human being. There's good in everybody."
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"I agree with Sophia. Mrs Claxton is a mean old woman."
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"- All the neighbours hate her. - Don't say that."
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"Come on. Last Halloween,"
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"half the kids in the neighbourhood wore Frieda Claxton costumes."
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"Maybe she just needs to be shown some kindness,"
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"like a fellow I knew back home. Ernest Minky."
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"I'm suddenly so hungry. I'll get some food."
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"Boy, that was a close call."
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"One more story about the colourful people from St Olaf, and I'll explode."
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"- He was St Olaf's librarian. - Kaboom."
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"He was also our town's only dentist."
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"His office was in the library. He did both jobs at the same time."
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"He seemed to enjoy giving other people pain."
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"They hated him so much,"
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"nobody ever went to the dentist or the library."
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"In 1938, you could tell if someone was from St Olaf."
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"They were illiterate and they had teeth that looked like Indian corn."
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"Thank you, Rose. That was a wonderful story."
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"I'm only half done."
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"I passed a kidney stone once that was less painful than this."
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"One summer, I worked up enough nerve to check out the latest Nancy Drew mystery"
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"and Mr Minky was stamping my book"
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"and his tie caught in the stamping machine."
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"He'd have died, if I hadn't cut his tie with my Girl Scout knife."
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"He was so grateful, he checked my book out for a week."
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"- What's so special about that? - Usually it was for an hour."
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"Mr Minky always said, "Books belong in a library.""
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"Really? 'Cause I always thought Churchill said that at Yalta."
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"The point is, some people seem mean but just need a little kindness."
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"And some people, like old lady Claxton, are just plain rotten."
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"I'm gonna prove you all wrong."
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"There is a week left before the commissioners' meeting."
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"I'll be as nice as I can. I bet, by then,"
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"she'll be as anxious to save that tree as us."
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"Hello, Mrs Claxton? This is Rose Nylund. How are you?"
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"I've never sat on one before, but wouldn't that be painful?"
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"- Why not? - Because stapling a $20 bill"
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"to the petition is illegal."
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"It's bribery. Don't say that's how you got things done in Sicily."
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"That's not how we got things done in Sicily."
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"Bribery was how we got things done in New York."
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"In Sicily, you cut off a horse's head and put it in somebody's bed."
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"- Sophia, you're making that up. - Like hell."
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"He woke up the next morning sharing a pillow with National Velvet."
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"At 7.00am, he was out cleaning the street with his tongue."
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"Sophia, we live in the greatest country in the world."
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"A country founded on the principles of honesty, truth and fairness."
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"I'm certain that, once we present our petition,"
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"the democratic system will prevail."
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"And our noble effort to save that mighty oak will prove victorious."
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"- You certainly sound pretty confident. - She slept with two commissioners."
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"That works in Sicily and New York."
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"Girls, I've got great news. I've just come from Mrs Claxton's"
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"and she says she wants to save the tree."
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"- You're kidding. - How did you manage that?"
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"Persistence."
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"I have gone to her house every day with home-made Danish, begging her."
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"She didn't want the apricot nor the cheese, but the prune did the trick."
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"Always does for me."
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"After she snarfed down two, she said she'd save the tree."
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"Speak of the devil, here's the miserable witch."
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"Sophia..."
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"Mrs Claxton, how lovely to see you again."
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"Who are you?"
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"Your neighbour, Blanche Devereaux."
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"Yeah. I didn't recognise you with your clothes on."
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"I beg your pardon?"
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"With my binoculars, I have a terrific view in your bedroom window."
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"Some of the stuff you do must be illegal. I'm looking into it."
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"Why, you miserable old..."
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"Let's try to get along."
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"Mrs Claxton, I don't know if you remember me. Dorothy Zbornak."
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"Sure. You're the one with nothing going on in your bedroom."
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"- Why, you miserable old... - Dorothy."
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"Mrs Claxton, we want you to know"
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"we all appreciate you helping us to save the tree."
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"I'm not. I'm here to make sure they tear it down. I hate trees. And people."
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"Rose told us you said you would help us."
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"- That's right. - Now you're not?"
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"- Why did you lie? - To get the Danish."
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"Look, there's nothing I hate more than someone who thinks"
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"everyone who lives alone wants company and a few kind words."
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"I live alone because I like it."
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"I've no use for people. Never have. See you inside."
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"- Where are you going? - To throw holy water on her."
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"If her head spins around, we're in big trouble."
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"It is the consensus of the committee that the promoters' petition"
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"for the outdoor concert be denied."
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"Next on the agenda is the proposal to widen Richmond Street."
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"Will the representative of those wanting to block this step forward?"
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"- Wish me luck. - Wait. Why should you do it?"
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"Because we'll have a better chance."
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"I happen to be a wonderful orator."
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"Two of the commissioners can verify that."
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"Blanche, "orator" means "speaker"."
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"Really?"
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"Somebody else do the talking."
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