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Clips from The Big Bang Theory - The Lizard-Spock Expansion (S02E02)

"- Thank God you're here. - What's the emergency?"
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"- Where? - On a dusty highway..."
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"- Howard, is everything okay? - Yeah, baby, I'll be right in."
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"You brought a girl to the Mars-rover control room?"
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"Yeah, I picked her up in the bar. She's a doctor."
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"One free barium enema..."
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"Wait a minute, so the eye patch and the insults worked?"
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"No, there were three other guys with eye patches. It was a fiasco."
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"So, what exactly do you want us to do?"
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"You help me get the rover out, and you get Stephanie out before somebody notices."
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"She doesn't exactly have clearance."
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"Really? They don't let strange women from honky-tonks..."
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"...play with $200 million government projects on distant planets?"
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"Hey, Howard, it's getting late, so do I get to drive this thing or what?"
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"Yeah, no, I'm sorry, but something's come up."
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"...kind of situation."
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"Oh, okay. Let's go, friend Leonard."
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"- Okay. - I'll call you."
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"No one's a scientist like Howard."
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"My mother is so gonna love her."
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"How nice. Maybe they can carpool when they visit you in federal prison."
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"I'm sorry, I totally interrupted you. What were you saying?"
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"- Just said Howard's a terrific guy. - Yeah."
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"He's got a great sense of humor."
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"Some people say too much."
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"- I really like that you're such a loyal friend. - Yeah, I am loyal."
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"You know, if you look at the big picture."
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"Just, uh, out of curiosity, did he ever have a shot with you?"
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"- So then why did you--? - He said that I could drive a car on Mars."
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"Hm."
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"Anything?"
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"I believe the appropriate metaphor here involves a river of excrement..."
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"...and a Native American water vessel without any means of propulsion."
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"You could try calling AAA."
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"But based on NASA's latest timetable, they won't get there for 35 years."
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"Plus, I understand you have to be next to the vehicle with your card when they arrive."
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"Oh, snap."
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"Snap what?"
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"Erase the hard drives, grab the tapes, wipe our fingerprints off every surface and run."
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"A NASA spokesman states that due to the loss of data..."
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"Thank God for plan B."
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"No, you're mistaken."
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"Yeah, when we first met."
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"You said that if I went out with you I could drive a car on Mars."
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"Psst?"
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"Will you all excuse me? Leonard is signaling that he'd like to talk to me in private."
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"No. Yeah, I remember specifically."
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"You started by asking if I was from Mars because my ass was out of this world."
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"Well, that does sound like me, but no."
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"Is there some problem?"
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"Yeah, um, listen, I have to kind of sneak out for a while."
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"- Where are you going? - I can't tell you that."
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"I can't tell you that either."
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"You brought me here to inform me you can't tell me where you're going."
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"And you can't tell me who might ask?"
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"- Leonard, a moment. - What?"
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"--does ask where you've gone, what should I say?"
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"I don't know. Tell them I went to the office."
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"- Are you going to the office? - No."
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"- Well, then how can I say it convincingly? - Just say, "Leonard went to the office.""
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"All right. Leonard went to the office."
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"What is--? No, not like that."
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"Would have worked better if you told me you were going to the office."
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"I'm going to the office."
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"See, why don't I believe you?"
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"- I'm going out for a while. - Okay."
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"Okay, where is he going?"
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"Leonard is going to the office."
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"I removed an appendix, a gall bladder and about a foot and a half of bowel."
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"I'm hoping that was three different guys."
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"No, just the one."
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"He didn't make it."
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"So how was your day?"
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"- Are you done eating? - Yeah."
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"Oh, good."
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"If I knew you were waiting, I would have swallowed that lasagna whole."
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"Leave a message."
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"If you're free Friday, maybe we could have something to eat at my place."
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"Let me know. It's Howard."
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"Maybe we should think about going to the bedroom."
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"That's a good idea, because there's a bed there, and I'm very, very, very pro-bed."
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"You've reached Dr. Stephanie Barnett. Leave a message."
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"Just wanna let you know the head count for dinner Friday has gone up."
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"My Aunt Betty and Uncle Elliot are coming in from Palm Springs."
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"Oh, and if anybody should ask, you're half Jewish on your mother's side."
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"Don't you think you should tell him you're not interested?"
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"Dear God, no."
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"MRS. WOLOWITZ : Tell her we're going to the Olive Garden."
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"I have a coupon from the paper."
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"We're not going to the Olive Garden, Ma."
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"MRS. WOLOWITZ: Oh, Mr. Big-Shot with his Red Lobster."
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"- Oh, hey. - Hey."
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"So who's the girl?"
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"- I'm sorry? - Well, last time you bought a new shirt..."
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"...was when we were dating."
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"Exactly. Thank you."
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"Do me a favor, tell Koothrappali that next time you see him."
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"So who is she?"
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"- Oh, she's a doctor. - Oh, nice."
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"A "doctor" doctor, or a you kind of doctor?"
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"If your friend thinks he's dating someone..."
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"...but he's not, because in fact, you're dating her..."
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"...does that make you a bad person?"
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"- Well, that depends. - On what?"
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"Is that friend Wolowitz?"
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"- Are you sure? - Well, have you slept with her yet?"
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"Good for you."
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"- So why'd you ask? - I'm nosy. See you."
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"MRS. WOLOWITZ : Howard, get the door!"
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"Really? Is that what you do when someone knocks?"
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"Hey, buddy. What brings you to my little slice of hell?"
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"I'm not dressed to receive!"
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"Momentito."
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"Oh, Stephanie, thanks for calling me back. I was worried."
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"Uh-huh."
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"No, I understand. Sure, we can be friends. Absolutely."
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"Thanks for calling."
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"Yeah, you have a nice day too."
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"Okay, who gets the extra dumpling?"
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"Okay, one of us is going to have to stop putting up Spock."
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