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Clips from Two and a Half Men (2003) - Pilot (S01E01)

"Okay. I'll see you when you get here."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I mean, what was the point of our wedding vows?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"How did you get in my house?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Okay, Charlie, the key in the fake rock only works if it's among other rocks."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Excuse me, but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks,"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"it's impossible to find when you're drunk."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"You know, I'm a good husband. I'm faithful."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"- Is she? - Is she what?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Faithful."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I mean, all she kept saying was she feels suffocated, you know?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"She kept going on and on, "I'm suffocating. ""
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Well, yeah."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"And Jake. This could just destroy Jake."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Teenagers are pretty sophisticated these days."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"He's 10."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"- Charlie, I'm going to go. - No."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I'm sorry to hear about you and your wife."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Look, okay, this is just until things settle out."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Yeah. That's what women do."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Look, you can have the guest room. I'll grab some sheets."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I like my sheets."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I mean, we hardly ever talk to each other."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"What do you want to talk about, Alan?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I was named Chiropractor of the Year"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Charlie, what about you?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I make a lot of money for doing very little work."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"and sometimes in the middle of the day, for no reason at all,"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I like to make myself a big pitcher of margaritas"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"and take a nap out on the sundeck."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Good night, Monkey Man."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"You should see it from in here."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"If it makes you feel bad, why do you drink it?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Nobody likes a wiseass, Jake."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"You have to put $1 in the swear jar. You said "ass. ""
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"here's $20. That should cover me till lunch."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"On one side, put what you don't like about our marriage,"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Alan, sometimes when I think about coming home to you,"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Okay, that would probably go on the "don't" side."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Why would I lie? The ocean is closed today."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"For God's sake, do you think you could put some pants on?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Look at me, Judy. I could barely make it down the stairs."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Yeah, come on, kid, we'll have breakfast out on the deck."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I already had breakfast."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Judith, I can change."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Please, Alan. You are the most rigid, inflexible,"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"obsessive, anal-retentive man I've ever met."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Rigid and inflexible?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"You're lucky."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"When I was your age, I could only dream about my parents splitting up."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Hey, sport, your mom wants to say goodbye."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Listen, he doesn't know anything about what's going on,"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Our little secret. Why is she saying goodbye to him?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"So, we decided that Jake would stay with me."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"With you?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Well, with us."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Thanks. Listen, I've got to call my office."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Would you mind making him lunch?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Yeah, but I'm not the one who's hungry."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Who's smiling now, shorty?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"- Okay. - Not that milk. That milk."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"- What's the difference? - That's Dairy Farm. We drink Dairy Barn"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Fine. Happy?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Why would I be happy? It's just milk."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Cute. Keep it up, you'll be on one of the cartons."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"It's got oats and corn and wheat It's the sweetest breakfast treat"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"It's maple maple maple-licious"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"You know who wrote that song?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"If I was to lie, I'd say I wrote Stairway to Heaven,"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"- You two are really good together. - Thank you."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"So, does your wife sing, too?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"- No, I'm not married. - What a shame."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Wow. You're even better than a dog."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Dr. Bloom? Yes, this is Alan Harper."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"My wife and I need to cancel our marriage counseling appointment for this afternoon."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Yes, well, something came up."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"- Hello? - Is Charlie home?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"No. I'm Charlie's brother. Can I help you?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Hi, Charlie's brother. I'm Rose."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"So, you're a housekeeper?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Housekeeper/actress/hand model."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I just do this to keep the wolf from the door."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"You know what I mean?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Smell who?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Your brother. He has a very musky scent."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Well, I'll just let you get to work."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Wait."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"It's got oats and corn and wheat It's the sweetest breakfast treat"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Jake, buddy. Take a break."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"What took you so long?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"We stopped for ice cream because I'm a babe magnet."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I got to take a squirt."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Why do you assume he learned that from me?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Because I learned it from you."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Rose? You let Rose into my house?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"She said she was your maid."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"You've met some of the whack jobs I've gone out with."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"- It's not that big a stretch. - So, this is my fault?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"You're a deeply disturbed man, you know? Move it. Come on."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"At least, I care what I sleep on. Or should I say, who I sleep on."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I'll bet I'm the only one who's slept with a married woman recently."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Hi, Mom."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"to hear about your own son's divorce on the street?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"You stay out of this."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I'm here to help your brother through a very difficult time."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"How could you do this to me?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"And what if there's another man there? Shacking up with her?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I think he's considering it now, Mom."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"- Here's your iced tea, Grandma. - Thank you, my little angel."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"All right. Here's what you're going to do."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I'm going to be back at my own house."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Sweetheart, grow up."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Think about what I said."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"- I love you, too, Mom. - Too little. Too late."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"- So, Vegas was good? - It was fine."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"What's important is that we're here and we're working on our marriage."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I know I've grown."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"but Charlie's great with kids."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"All right, last card, down and dirty."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"King's bet."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"- $1. - I'm in."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
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