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Clips from Problem Child

TV Movies 1990 ★ 4.7/10 (22 ratings) 944 clips
Comedy

Credits

Nice night to be born, huh?
"Nice night to be born, huh?"
Problem Child
Apparently my birth was not considered a blessed event.
"Apparently my birth was not considered a blessed event."
Problem Child
That's me in the basket and that's my mother carrying me.
"That's me in the basket and that's my mother carrying me."
Problem Child
And that's my mother...running away.
"And that's my mother...running away."
Problem Child
Well, this can still work out. Look at this placel
"Well, this can still work out. Look at this placel"
Problem Child
Oh!
"Oh!"
Problem Child
Madam!
"Madam!"
Problem Child
Aw... aw... aw...
"Aw... aw... aw..."
Problem Child
Who on earth would want to abandon such a wonderful little baby boy?
"Who on earth would want to abandon such a wonderful little baby boy?"
Problem Child
On the day I was born
"On the day I was born"
Problem Child
The nurses all gathered round
"The nurses all gathered round"
Problem Child
They gazed in wild wonder At the joy they had found...
"They gazed in wild wonder At the joy they had found..."
Problem Child
But I am not dreaming.
"But I am not dreaming."
Problem Child
One thing I know, and that is that there's no such thing in the world as a bad boy.
"One thing I know, and that is that there's no such thing in the world as a bad boy."
Problem Child
What does he know?
"What does he know?"
Problem Child
Bad to the bone Bad to the bone
"Bad to the bone Bad to the bone"
Problem Child
B- b-b-b bad B- b-b-b bad
"B- b-b-b bad B- b-b-b bad"
Problem Child
B- b-b-b bad...
"B- b-b-b bad..."
Problem Child
What a strange-looking dogl
"What a strange-looking dogl"
Problem Child
I'll bet he's hungry.
"I'll bet he's hungry."
Problem Child
This looks good.
"This looks good."
Problem Child
B- b-b-b bad B- b-b-b bad...
"B- b-b-b bad B- b-b-b bad..."
Problem Child
Diver Dan, Diver Danl Surface, surfacel
"Diver Dan, Diver Danl Surface, surfacel"
Problem Child
I wanna be yours, pretty baby Yours and yours alone
"I wanna be yours, pretty baby Yours and yours alone"
Problem Child
I'm here to tell ya, honey I'm bad to the bone...
"I'm here to tell ya, honey I'm bad to the bone..."
Problem Child
These are my favourite toys. Who am I kidding? They're my only toys.
"These are my favourite toys. Who am I kidding? They're my only toys."
Problem Child
That's my dad.
"That's my dad."
Problem Child
So you want to play rough, huh?
"So you want to play rough, huh?"
Problem Child
I was just kiddingl Oh, nol Not the nuns, not the nunsl
"I was just kiddingl Oh, nol Not the nuns, not the nunsl"
Problem Child
Bad to the bone B- b-b-b bad
"Bad to the bone B- b-b-b bad"
Problem Child
Bad to the bone
"Bad to the bone"
Problem Child
Geel I wonder if penguins can flyl
"Geel I wonder if penguins can flyl"
Problem Child
Help!
"Help!"
Problem Child
Help!
"Help!"
Problem Child
You see? No one really ever accepted me.
"You see? No one really ever accepted me."
Problem Child
Who'd be that caring?
"Who'd be that caring?"
Problem Child
Who'd be that loving? Who'd be that dumb?
"Who'd be that loving? Who'd be that dumb?"
Problem Child
Listen to this. It says here that Henry is a strong name.
"Listen to this. It says here that Henry is a strong name."
Problem Child
He's loyal and loving.
"He's loyal and loving."
Problem Child
Henry? Hank. Henri. Sounds like a loser.
"Henry? Hank. Henri. Sounds like a loser."
Problem Child
No, come on, think about it. Henry, Hank. Hank Aaron, that's a winner.
"No, come on, think about it. Henry, Hank. Hank Aaron, that's a winner."
Problem Child
"How was school today, Hank?" "Great, Dad!"
""How was school today, Hank?" "Great, Dad!""
Problem Child
- Let's put a star down next to Henry. - No, I don't like it.
"- Let's put a star down next to Henry. - No, I don't like it."
Problem Child
What about Donald? It says Donald is wealthy and powerful.
"What about Donald? It says Donald is wealthy and powerful."
Problem Child
That's the kind of kid I want.
"That's the kind of kid I want."
Problem Child
I'll be happy no matter how he turns out.
"I'll be happy no matter how he turns out."
Problem Child
- He'll be our child. - It won't hurt if he's chairman of the board.
"- He'll be our child. - It won't hurt if he's chairman of the board."
Problem Child
So, when is your child due?
"So, when is your child due?"
Problem Child
I'm not really pregnant yet. We're just planning ahead.
"I'm not really pregnant yet. We're just planning ahead."
Problem Child
A little wishful thinking never hurt anyone.
"A little wishful thinking never hurt anyone."
Problem Child
Here at the clinic we pride ourselves on a 99%% success rate.
"Here at the clinic we pride ourselves on a 99%% success rate."
Problem Child
- Little Henry Healy. - Donald.
"- Little Henry Healy. - Donald."
Problem Child
Unfortunately, there is that other 1%%.
"Unfortunately, there is that other 1%%."
Problem Child
And you're it. I'm sorry, but the test came back positive.
"And you're it. I'm sorry, but the test came back positive."
Problem Child
- Positive, that's good. - No, positive is bad.
"- Positive, that's good. - No, positive is bad."
Problem Child
No, positive is good, negative is bad.
"No, positive is good, negative is bad."
Problem Child
No, negative is good. You see, you are positively infertile.
"No, negative is good. You see, you are positively infertile."
Problem Child
You mean we've been doing it every night for nothing?
"You mean we've been doing it every night for nothing?"
Problem Child
Let me explain.
"Let me explain."
Problem Child
This is your uterus.
"This is your uterus."
Problem Child
That purple thing is your cervix.
"That purple thing is your cervix."
Problem Child
These green things are your fallopian tubes and this...
"These green things are your fallopian tubes and this..."
Problem Child
That's not supposed to happen. Toss me that.
"That's not supposed to happen. Toss me that."
Problem Child
This yellow thing is your ovary. Fits right in there like that.
"This yellow thing is your ovary. Fits right in there like that."
Problem Child
Well, you know what? It doesn't matter.
"Well, you know what? It doesn't matter."
Problem Child
You don't even have a yellow thing and your green thing is brown.
"You don't even have a yellow thing and your green thing is brown."
Problem Child
- Doctor, are you sure there's no hope? - None whatsoever.
"- Doctor, are you sure there's no hope? - None whatsoever."
Problem Child
But there are alternatives to having your own child.
"But there are alternatives to having your own child."
Problem Child
I tried to like it at the orphanage
"I tried to like it at the orphanage"
Problem Child
but then I became interested in photography.
"but then I became interested in photography."
Problem Child
After that, things kind of went downhill.
"After that, things kind of went downhill."
Problem Child
Eat all of your stew, children.
"Eat all of your stew, children."
Problem Child
A growing body needs nutrition. And discipline.
"A growing body needs nutrition. And discipline."
Problem Child
If it's so nutritious, how come I don't see you eating it?
"If it's so nutritious, how come I don't see you eating it?"
Problem Child
- Aw, Junior! - Junior!
"- Aw, Junior! - Junior!"
Problem Child
I was never really sure which one I got, nutrition or discipline.
"I was never really sure which one I got, nutrition or discipline."
Problem Child
- What do they put in this stuff? - Junior, please don't get us in trouble again.
"- What do they put in this stuff? - Junior, please don't get us in trouble again."
Problem Child
Who are they kidding?
"Who are they kidding?"
Problem Child
Junior!
"Junior!"
Problem Child
What happened to your lunch?
"What happened to your lunch?"
Problem Child
It was so delicious I just gobbled it all up!
"It was so delicious I just gobbled it all up!"
Problem Child
I can't believe it. For once, you behaved yourself. Thank you, Lord!
"I can't believe it. For once, you behaved yourself. Thank you, Lord!"
Problem Child
Hey, lady, hands off the merchandise! I gotta hear out of that thing!
"Hey, lady, hands off the merchandise! I gotta hear out of that thing!"
Problem Child
Ow...!
"Ow...!"
Problem Child
All right, mister, you know the routine. Start mopping.
"All right, mister, you know the routine. Start mopping."
Problem Child
Sister, I'm all packed to go.
"Sister, I'm all packed to go."
Problem Child
There's my favourite little boy. I'm going to miss you so much.
"There's my favourite little boy. I'm going to miss you so much."
Problem Child
Miss him? Where's he going?
"Miss him? Where's he going?"
Problem Child
Haven't you heard? I'm getting adopted. I got a new mommy and daddy and they're so nice.
"Haven't you heard? I'm getting adopted. I got a new mommy and daddy and they're so nice."
Problem Child
- Really? - Yes.
"- Really? - Yes."
Problem Child
Good little boys get good homes.
"Good little boys get good homes."
Problem Child
Bad little boys get something else.
"Bad little boys get something else."
Problem Child
Big deal. If you have to be a creep like Freddy, I don't want a family.
"Big deal. If you have to be a creep like Freddy, I don't want a family."
Problem Child
...a man described as evil incarnate, a man called "the fiend of the century".
"...a man described as evil incarnate, a man called "the fiend of the century"."
Problem Child
Where are my cartoons?
"Where are my cartoons?"
Problem Child
They did me wrongl They had it comingl
"They did me wrongl They had it comingl"
Problem Child
- All 34? - You bet they didl
"- All 34? - You bet they didl"
Problem Child
This guy's pretty popular. He's on every channel.
"This guy's pretty popular. He's on every channel."
Problem Child
Since he escaped, residents of the bordering states have been afraid to leave their home.
"Since he escaped, residents of the bordering states have been afraid to leave their home."
Problem Child
Beck, known infamously as the Bow Tie Killer, was recaptured this afternoon
"Beck, known infamously as the Bow Tie Killer, was recaptured this afternoon"
Problem Child
and is now on his way back to federal prison.
"and is now on his way back to federal prison."
Problem Child
I'm not a bad guyl I'm just misunderstoodl
"I'm not a bad guyl I'm just misunderstoodl"
Problem Child
Nobody cares about me but mel
"Nobody cares about me but mel"
Problem Child
What a good-looking guy.
"What a good-looking guy."
Problem Child
Because of this attempted prison break, Beck would have to serve additional time.
"Because of this attempted prison break, Beck would have to serve additional time."
Problem Child
When he is returned to the federal prison, Beck will be placed under...
"When he is returned to the federal prison, Beck will be placed under..."
Problem Child
Do you see him?
"Do you see him?"
Problem Child
There's our boy!
"There's our boy!"
Problem Child
Oh, honey!
"Oh, honey!"
Problem Child
You guys, I'm so excited!
"You guys, I'm so excited!"
Problem Child
Have a good day, honey.
"Have a good day, honey."
Problem Child
Why don't you take a look at this adoption literature? We can talk about it tonight.
"Why don't you take a look at this adoption literature? We can talk about it tonight."
Problem Child
Why don't you? I don't wear second-hand clothes and I won't have a second-hand kid.
"Why don't you? I don't wear second-hand clothes and I won't have a second-hand kid."
Problem Child
- Adoption is out! - OK, all right.
"- Adoption is out! - OK, all right."
Problem Child
Fine.
"Fine."
Problem Child
Welcome to Big Ben's, the sporting goods store that has everything.
"Welcome to Big Ben's, the sporting goods store that has everything."
Problem Child
Sporting goods made by Americans for Americans.
"Sporting goods made by Americans for Americans."
Problem Child
My fellow Americans, don't forget to vote for Big Ben for Mayorl
"My fellow Americans, don't forget to vote for Big Ben for Mayorl"
Problem Child
- Mister, do you work here? - I sure do. How can I help you?
"- Mister, do you work here? - I sure do. How can I help you?"
Problem Child
I'm looking for a canteen with a compass on it.
"I'm looking for a canteen with a compass on it."
Problem Child