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Clips from Veep - Morning After (S05E05)

"- Nev-add-a. - Ben, what do we do?"
Veep
"Uh, we need to get ahold of our people in Nevada. Don't. Don't."
Veep
"The vast majority of Nevada voting is done by machine."
Veep
"Once the Nevada Secretary of State certifies the count,"
Veep
"we'll then have 72 hours to request a recount."
Veep
"At that point, 5% of the precincts will be selected,"
Veep
"and if there's a discrepancy of more than 1%,"
Veep
"a full hand recount will be requested."
Veep
"I actually did my doctorate in recount procedures in the West."
Veep
"Excellent work, Richard. Richard works for me."
Veep
"You have a doctorate?"
Veep
"Two. Constitutional law and veterinary medicine,"
Veep
"- which was my fallback. - But you were getting my coffee."
Veep
"Which is much harder 'cause you have so many different moods."
Veep
"Like a half-caff and a full-caff, macchiato."
Veep
"- Ma-key-ato. - Macchiato."
Veep
"Okay, Richard, you are going to be my recount specialist."
Veep
"- Jonah, you're working for Richard. - Wait, what?"
Veep
"Amy, you got to sort all of this out, okay?"
Veep
"Ma'am, I really can't go to Nevada. I'm not even really here."
Veep
"Ma'am, O'Brien is calling a press conference in an hour to discuss the recount."
Veep
"I'm gonna talk in a half an hour, okay?"
Veep
"I got to say stuff before he says stuff."
Veep
"- Listen, you got to write something up. - I'm on it."
Veep
"- Right now. Ooh, recount, recount. - I'm on it."
Veep
"Jonah, with me, please."
Veep
"This is highly enriched weapons-grade bullshit."
Veep
"How dare she put you in charge of me?"
Veep
"It's an outrage is what it is."
Veep
"It is an outrage, you know?"
Veep
"She's Uncle Dursley and she's got"
Veep
"the great wizard Harry Potter living under the staircase."
Veep
"Do you see that? But what happens in the Harry Potter books?"
Veep
"He rises up and he kills all the muggles."
Veep
"I don't think that's what happens."
Veep
"Actually, I'm sorry, that lumbar support goes with this chair."
Veep
"- Yeah, we're getting there. - Okay, so what do you got?"
Veep
"Am I still standing in barefaced awe of the majesty of our democratic system?"
Veep
"Not exactly, ma'am. This time..."
Veep
"- Oh, sorry. - What?"
Veep
"Just hit 5,000 steps on my Fitbit."
Veep
"- Okay, okay. - This time, you're simply blessed."
Veep
"Wow, I thought your last one was flowery, vacuous nonsense."
Veep
"This one is much worse. Excellent, Mike."
Veep
"Gary, this is taking longer than it did"
Veep
"for them to paint my fucking pool house."
Veep
"We got to go."
Veep
"- Good afternoon. - Good afternoon."
Veep
"Yes, oh, wow. Look at this full house."
Veep
"When I think about this great country of ours,"
Veep
"I have to count my blessings."
Veep
"Earlier today as you'll remember,"
Veep
"I briefed you on the state of affairs regarding..."
Veep
"It's looking a little worse."
Veep
"Wherever you stand in the room,"
Veep
"it's still looking at you."
Veep
"Since that time, we have been doubly blessed"
Veep
"by new developments in the state of Nevada."
Veep
"And I am confident..."
Veep
"...that all Americans,"
Veep
"including Senator O'Brien..."
Veep
"- Leave it. Leave it. - Come on."
Veep
"It is my clear duty as president"
Veep
"to enforce the laws of this country"
Veep
"after a careful assessment"
Veep
"of what those laws actually mean."
Veep
"I am also blessed to be your candidate for president."
Veep
"- What is this? - Did it pop? Did it pop?"
Veep
"The Dow is dropping lower than my balls on a hot summer day."
Veep
"While the American people may sometimes be..."
Veep
"It's the fucking pimple."
Veep
"Zitzilla just stomped all over Wall Street."
Veep
"And in that, we are all blessed."
Veep
"Thank you."
Veep
"So, how was that?"
Veep
"- Uh... - The Dow has dropped 986..."
Veep
"Oh, suck my dick."
Veep
"Panic from the recount led to a huge sell-off"
Veep
"and the market is so overmargined, blammo."
Veep
"They're already calling it Black Wednesday."
Veep
"Jesus, it's only Wednesday?"
Veep
"And O'Brien just issued a statement."
Veep
"He says, The market crash caused a blotch on the face of America."
Veep
"Is that about my pimple?"
Veep
"Well, I don't think it helped."
Veep
"- Gary. - Yeah?"
Veep
"- I want to see a doctor. - Okay, I just don't think..."
Veep
"You did this, okay? All that heat made it grow bigger."
Veep
"You baked a fucking soufflé on my face."
Veep
"Madam President. Howzit going?"
Veep
"Did he just say zit?"
Veep
"How come no one ever tries to assassinate a vice president?"
Veep
"Okay, so what are we going to do about the economy?"
Veep
"Why don't we appoint an economy czar for a start? That seems like something."
Veep
"Like an empty cop car they park on the side of the road to slow speeders."
Veep
"Those cars are empty?"
Veep
"- Okay, you've got to sit down. - Yes, ma'am."
Veep
"Guys, it might be time to move up the symposium on race."
Veep
"I'm on it, ma'am, like brown on rice."
Veep
"Ma'am, Tom James just gave an interview to the Bumfuck Plain Dealer"
Veep
"where he says, and I quote, I just want to make sure they're recounting"
Veep
"all the absentee ballots of our men and women bravely serving overseas."
Veep
"It's up on AP, too."
Veep
"What is he doing? He knows that the military hates me."
Veep
"There are only bound to be more votes for O'Brien."
Veep
"We need less of those and more votes for you, ma'am."
Veep
"You think?"
Veep
"No, what we have to do is hang a bell on this guy."
Veep
"He's completely off book."
Veep
"No, ma'am, I think that means that he's learned all his lines"
Veep
"and he no longer needs a script."
Veep
"- No, he's off book. - Off the hook?"
Veep
"No, he's... God, he's deviating from the book"
Veep
"of the things that he should do."
Veep
"- You mean off the rails. - Oh."
Veep
"Fine, he's off the rails."
Veep
"Well, let's make Tom economy czar."
Veep
"Yeah."
Veep
"We'll czar him. That'll give him something to do."
Veep
"All right, we're gonna start with that."
Veep
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