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Clips from The Change-Up

"Dave has three balls. A bouquet of balls."
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"Bad! Bad!"
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"This idea fucking sucked."
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"Listen, I don't want you to worry about anything."
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"I'll be able to hold down the fort."
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"We got to find that fountain as soon as possible."
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"It's like a can of tennis balls down here."
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"The only problem I see is, what do I tell Jamie?"
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"What do you tell Jamie, what?"
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"When she wants to have sex tonight?"
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"Think about that."
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"You're not having sex with my wife, Mitch."
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"Obviously, bro."
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"But if she comes at me like a hurricane,"
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"a guy can only withstand so much."
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"Mitch."
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"Dave. We're trying to pull something off here, okay?"
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"Now, I might have to hit that, okay? She'll know."
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"Now, how many times a day do you guys have sex?"
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"I'll have to pace it out."
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"What day is it today?"
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"I don't know. Is it Tuesday?"
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"Yeah. You know what? It's a non-issue."
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"What does that mean? You guys don't have sex on Tuesdays?"
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"Take the day off?"
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"That's adorable."
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"Tell you what."
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"If she comes on like a hurricane..."
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"Just drill it."
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"Yeah, what can you do? You're only human. Give me the keys."
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"Smart. Yeah."
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"Okay. Please be careful with her."
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"It's like we're swapping rides."
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"It's just like that."
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"Thanks, buddy, you're being very cool."
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"Dear God."
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"Oh, my goodness. Look at this, huh?"
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"Bang. Thank you, Mommy."
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"Why don't you tell Daddy about what happened at school today?"
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"I wrote a spring poem"
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"and Miss Byers only put Angelica's poem up on the wall"
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"and she didn't put my poem up on the wall."
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"And why would she do that?"
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"I thought she liked me."
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"Dave. Yeah."
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"Cara's talking to you."
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"What? She's talking to you."
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"Well, Cara, her poem was probably much better than yours."
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"Let's eat. Dave."
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"I didn't read the bitch's poem,"
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"but maybe she can really turn a phrase. Let's eat."
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"Tell Cara that her poem was good."
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"You just hurt her feelings."
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"I didn't read her poem, either. Do you want me to lie to her?"
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"Is that what this is? Fine, I don't care."
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"Cara, honey, your poem, which I did not read,"
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"was way, way better than the other girl's poem,"
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"which I also did not read."
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"Let's eat."
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"It's Cara. Not Cara."
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"It's what?"
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"Are you having a stroke right now or something?"
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"What did I call her? What about the dinner song, Daddy?"
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"What about the what?"
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"What's she saying? The dinner song."
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"What's that? The dinner song?"
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"Are you joking me? No, I'm not joking you."
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"There's a song? Sing the dinner song, honey."
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"Course, there's a song. Just sing the dinner song."
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"I don't feel like singing it tonight."
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"No, sing the dinner song."
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"You sing the dinner song."
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"Maybe you need to sing the dinner song. Sing the dinner song."
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"I'm sick of that song."
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"Sing the dinner song. Sing it!"
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"I got it. I heard you."
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"Dinner song"
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"Dinner song"
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"Beans, potatoes, carrots and broccoli"
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"Buns and sa/ad and potatoes and chicken"
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"Needs a lickin'"
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"Dinner song."
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"That's so not the dinner song."
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"Well, I'm going to tell you what."
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"You're going to go ahead and write me a dinner poem,"
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"and I'll belt that out after I choke this down."
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"Let's fucking go."
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"- Okay. - Daddy needs a time-out."
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"Great idea."
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"Dinner song"
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"Bye-bye."
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"Hello. Hi, Mitch. It's Tatiana."
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"Tatiana. Hi, how are you?"
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"I'll be better in a minute after I fuck you raw."
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"Oh."
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"- Hello. - Mitch."
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"That was Tatiana. She said she's going to fuck me raw."
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"Tatiana? Shit, that's right."
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"That's my Tuesday night regular, right on schedule."
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"You fuck that right for me, Dave."
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"Took me a long time to reel this one in."
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"I don't think I can do this."
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"What the fuck does that... Hey, Dave!"
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"Hey, man!"
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"Dad, I smell a skunk."
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"NO, it's this, kid."
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"What does that mean, you don't think you can fuck Tatiana?"
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"Because it..."
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"Jesus Christ, she's here."
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"She's already knocking on the door."
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"You nail that right for me, Dave."
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"It feels kind of like I'm cheating on Jamie."
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"Are you fucking shitting me?"
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"In what world is this cheating?"
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"Cheating is when any part of your dick"
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"gets up inside some woman that's not your wife, okay?"
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"And your dick is firmly planted"
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"inside these fucking lame, triple-pleated sports slacks."
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"But my mind is over here. That should count for something, right?"
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"God, you big bitch."
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