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Clips from Orange Is the New Black - Trust No Bitch (S03E03)

"You'd better Beit Din this woman before I start to talk."
Orange Is the New Black
"- Well, Aimee's full of shit. - Oh, is she?"
Orange Is the New Black
"Like the story about you and the Berkshires with Samantha Gottleib"
Orange Is the New Black
"- and the mushrooms, that's bullshit? Yeah. - That's not..."
Orange Is the New Black
"- Ask, Tova. Ask. - Mmm. Mmm-hmm."
Orange Is the New Black
"Hey."
Orange Is the New Black
"- Can I be a Jew? - No."
Orange Is the New Black
"Can I be a Jew?"
Orange Is the New Black
"No."
Orange Is the New Black
"Can I be a Jew?"
Orange Is the New Black
"You really want this?"
Orange Is the New Black
"Sincerely?"
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"Not because this one's trying to blackmail me for something stupid when I was 19"
Orange Is the New Black
"or for broccoli with your dinner?"
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"What is this for you?"
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"Honestly..."
Orange Is the New Black
"I think I found my people."
Orange Is the New Black
"I was raised in a church..."
Orange Is the New Black
"where I was told to believe and pray."
Orange Is the New Black
"And if I was bad, I'd go to hell."
Orange Is the New Black
"If I was good, I'd go to heaven."
Orange Is the New Black
"And if I'd ask Jesus, he'd forgive me, and that was that."
Orange Is the New Black
"And here y'all saying ain't no hell... ain't..."
Orange Is the New Black
"sure about heaven."
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"And if you do something wrong, you got to figure it out yourself."
Orange Is the New Black
"And as far as God's concerned,"
Orange Is the New Black
"it's your job to keep aksing questions and to keep learning and to keep arguing."
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"It's like a verb. It's like... you do God."
Orange Is the New Black
"And that's a lot of work."
Orange Is the New Black
"But I think I'm in, at least as far as I can see it."
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"I mean, maybe I'll learn more..."
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"and say, Fuck the whole thing."
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"I mean, but I wanna learn more, and I think I gotta be in it to do that."
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"You know, does that make sense?"
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"Shit, did I just talk myself out of it?"
Orange Is the New Black
"Fuck."
Orange Is the New Black
"Ask me again."
Orange Is the New Black
"- Can I be a Jew? - Yes."
Orange Is the New Black
"No, I need three answers."
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"- Yes. - Yes."
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"Yeah!"
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"Look at me now! I'm a bona fide jailhouse Jew!"
Orange Is the New Black
"Sort of. It's not really official without the mikvah,"
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"but that was wonderful. Really, Tova. Congratulations."
Orange Is the New Black
"Hold up. Mik-what?"
Orange Is the New Black
"Oh, it's like, um..."
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"It's like a baptism, but without all the touching."
Orange Is the New Black
"You soak in a pool"
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"and you clean off all that Christian filth that you've been carrying around."
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"- We can fake that shit in the shower. - No, that won't count."
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"The mikvah needs to be pure, naturally occurring water,"
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"and you need to be fully submerged, and nude."
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"Yeah. Maybe it'll rain, okay?"
Orange Is the New Black
"There'll be a sinkhole or something, and we'll make it official then."
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"In the meantime, you are Jew-ish."
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"Huh?"
Orange Is the New Black
"Most holy, righteous, and everywhere-present God,"
Orange Is the New Black
"our Father who art in Heaven, we ask thy blessing upon this food."
Orange Is the New Black
"Bless the hearts and the hands of those that provide the same,"
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"and when it is ours to pass from time to eternity..."
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"Do you know what awaits sinners like you,"
Orange Is the New Black
"self-worshippers of the flesh?"
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"Do you know what is your Promised Land?"
Orange Is the New Black
"Answer me, Cindy! Do you know?"
Orange Is the New Black
"Deuteronomy, chapter 29, verse 23, tells us about your Promised Land."
Orange Is the New Black
"Your land is brimstone and salt,"
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"a burning waste, unsown and unproductive,"
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"and no grass grows on it, like the overthrow of Sodom and Gomorrah."
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"So thou must not sin! Amen!"
Orange Is the New Black
"- Amen. - Say amen!"
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"Amen, amen, amen, amen."
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"Maxwell said you wanted to see me?"
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"Yeah, Morello's getting married. She asked that you be the witness."
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"Ah, I heard the happy news an hour ago."
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"Oh, she's a rash girl."
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"All heart and tits and no brain, hmm?"
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"Well, thanks for letting me know."
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"I'll get started on my maid of honor speech."
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"Can I ask you a question?"
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"You and I... have a special relationship."
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"That's why I feel like I can ask you this question."
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"Would you say that I'm bad at my job?"
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"Well, the very fact that we have a special relationship"
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"and that you acknowledge it"
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"should at least partially answer your question, Healy."
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"But I'd be lying if I said it hasn't helped me."
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"It has."
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"Having a contemporary in here who isn't A, a woman,"
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"and B, a thieving, lying, crazy, murderous, drug-addled woman,"
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"- has been a godsend."
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"Are you good at your job?"
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"I don't know."
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"But I know that you've helped me, and I'm grateful to you for it."
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"Can I go now that I've watered your ego flower?"
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"Yes."
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"Your prison mistress gave you a prison tat."
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"You are turning into a trope."
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"- She's my business partner, with benefits. - Ah."
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"She's getting out and wanted to give me something to remember her by."
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"I was sad, so I let her."
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"White ink, huh?"
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"That must be pretty intimidating to some of these girls,"
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"maybe under, like, a black light or something."
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"- What does it say? - It says Trust no bitch."
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"And yes, as a matter of fact, the girls are scared shitless."
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"Hmm."
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"I'm quite gangsta."
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"Oh, shit. What?"
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"I have to give you honesty, because that's how I need to live,"
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"in truth."
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"What the fuck, Cal?"
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"Neri is selling extra panties on the side."
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"What? No."
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"- Yeah. - All wrong."
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"And where's she getting people to wear them?"
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"Well, um, actually, we invented a miso-tuna-honey sauce"
Orange Is the New Black
"that tastes quite delicious until you add the glue."
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"You're diluting the brand. You have to get her to stop."
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"Neri's knock-off prison panties aren't the problem."
Orange Is the New Black
"In fact, her questionable criminal ethics might actually offset the real problem."
Orange Is the New Black
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