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Clips from Archer - The Handoff (S07E07)

"And the fee was?"
Archer
"I would think none of your concern."
Archer
"But-- Yeah, Lana."
Archer
"Oh, Ellis Crane, the movie director."
Archer
"So do you have any reason to suspect"
Archer
"your ex-husband is behind this?"
Archer
"I have every reason."
Archer
"Yeah. Lana."
Archer
"What?! But Mr. Shapiro wanted to meet me"
Archer
"at his house, so I assume the disk is there,"
Archer
"presumably in a safe."
Archer
"I want you to go there and recover it."
Archer
"You mean steal it. I mean--"
Archer
"Lana, she can't steal what's already hers."
Archer
"That's-- Wait, is it double jeopardy?"
Archer
"No."
Archer
"The disk is rightfully mine,"
Archer
"and I will pay more than fairly for its return."
Archer
"Well, um, for a case of this nature"
Archer
"our standard rate would be--"
Archer
"Cyril! What?"
Archer
"Sterling! For God's sake, man."
Archer
"Mrs. Deane-- Ms."
Archer
"Ms. Deane isn't a standard client, Cyril."
Archer
"She is a film legend."
Archer
"And as such, she deserves our legendary service package,"
Archer
"which includes, um-- Get me the disk,"
Archer
"and I will pay your agency $100,000."
Archer
"Yeah, yeah--"
Archer
"Yeah, that's our rate for that."
Archer
"This is Mr. Shapiro's address,"
Archer
"and I want the job done as soon as possible."
Archer
"And of course, it goes without saying"
Archer
"that this matter is strictly confidential."
Archer
"Apparently not. And conversely,"
Archer
"anything you think you may or may not have overheard,"
Archer
"regarding the Italian Prime Minister's murder and dismemberment--"
Archer
"Alleged murder and dismemberment."
Archer
"I couldn't care less, Mr. Archer."
Archer
"All that matters to me is that you return the disk."
Archer
"Now, good day."
Archer
"Holy shit, $100,000?"
Archer
"I was gonna say $10,000."
Archer
"Oh, my God!"
Archer
"Yeah, what were you gonna say, smart guy?"
Archer
"Nine!"
Archer
"Okay, people, listen up."
Archer
"This is our first case, and we're gonna crush it,"
Archer
"so listen up! These are your assignments."
Archer
"Pam. Hey, in case you've forgotten,"
Archer
"the writing is literally on the wall,"
Archer
"and I give the orders around here."
Archer
"Oh, I'm so sorry. Please, by all means."
Archer
"Uh-huh. Um--"
Archer
"Well, our-- Okay."
Archer
"Archer has your assignments, so listen up!"
Archer
"Truly inspiring, Cyril."
Archer
"It's like Patton and Churchill had a baby."
Archer
"Oh, and put me down for 15 minutes of investigative work."
Archer
"That wasn't even 15 seconds!"
Archer
"15 minutes is the smallest manageable increment."
Archer
"You dick! Hey, shut up!"
Archer
"You... also dick! With just a hint of Oscar Wilde."
Archer
"Mother, if you're not gonna help,"
Archer
"maybe you'd be more comfortable in your office."
Archer
"No, I'm fine here."
Archer
"I want to see how you're gonna crack the big case."
Archer
"Mancy Drew."
Archer
"Okay, Pam, this is our target location."
Archer
"That's a nice house."
Archer
"4220 Arroyo Canyon Road."
Archer
"Find out everything you can about this house"
Archer
"from the public records. Plat map, utilities,"
Archer
"building permits-- Oh, and especially look"
Archer
"for any blueprints. Oh, man!"
Archer
"Can't Cheryl do that?"
Archer
"I wanted to be the gruff but lovable driver,"
Archer
"mechanic, and maybe occasional muscle."
Archer
"Like a folksy B.A. Baracus."
Archer
"Fine. Carol, you're head of research."
Archer
"I'm on it."
Archer
"How would one go about being on it?"
Archer
"Try the Internet."
Archer
"And get everything you can on the owner,"
Archer
"a lawyer named Alan Shapiro."
Archer
"I think it's safe to assume he doesn't eat shellfish."
Archer
"Hey, not cool!"
Archer
"What? The fact that he's a Hollywood lawyer"
Archer
"doesn't automatically make him Jewish."
Archer
"Eww, he's Jewish?"
Archer
"Probably, but that's not the point."
Archer
"You can't say shit like that!"
Archer
"Wait a minute. If you didn't know he was Jewish,"
Archer
"why'd you mention shellfish? He's allergic!"
Archer
"You buttlicks."
Archer
"That's why he made that big donation"
Archer
"to the stupid food allergy charity."
Archer
"Oughta call it the Weak Bloodlines Foundation."
Archer
"Lana, you and I will break into the house,"
Archer
"and since we can assume there's a safe--"
Archer
"Ray? You care to join us?"
Archer
"I guess, since we're hourly now."
Archer
"Okay, you got comms, night vision,"
Archer
"infrared, alarm bypass,"
Archer
"suction cups, this crazy spray,"
Archer
"which shows laser beams, and just in case there's a guard dog,"
Archer
"you got doggy treats loaded up with tranquilizers, which I call--"
Archer
"Wait, wait, wait-- I got something for this--"
Archer
"Hush puppies Uh, damn! That's better."
Archer
"Duh. And since the front of the house by the road is guarded 24/7,"
Archer
"you're gonna have to go in from the rear."
Archer
"No. You all took it for granted."
Archer
"But the back hangs off a cliff, like,"
Archer
"a hundred feet above the canyon!"
Archer
"Which is why I invented the rocket-propelled grappling hook!"
Archer
"You didn't invent that."
Archer
"Ah, that's what the patent office said."
Archer
"And how much is all this costing?"
Archer
"Oh, my God, Cyril."
Archer
"You have to spend money to make money."
Archer
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