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Clips from The Simpsons - Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife (S17E17)

"Hello."
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"That leaves "a" and "b" available for overflow."
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"Well done!"
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"Bart, I told you no television till you do the dishes."
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"well, my mom says why bother punishing me, I never learn."
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"Disgusting."
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"Young man, I'm going to turn that cartoon into homework!"
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"Help me, cameraman."
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"I let you smoke a cigarette in my bedroom."
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"And I have a name. It's Doug."
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""to scoop out scratchy's heart and make it a sundae."
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"The end.""
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"Now, Homer, would you care to give your report on CSI: Miami?"
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""there's this guy that got killed."
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""I think it was in Miami."
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""So CSI: Miami investigated-ed it."
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""Then a family said how much they loved the olive garden."
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""Then I fell asleep."
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"When I woke up, Letterman was talking to Alias.""
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"That's wonderful."
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"Indeed."
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"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a mandarin chinese lesson."
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"Xie xie."
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"Zai jian."
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"I don't get it."
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"Are you saying you're the tree?"
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"Maybe."
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"Are my roots showing?"
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"Would you like to hear a joke?"
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"As long as it's not a knock-knock joke."
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"I always ruin them by saying, "come in.""
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"No, no. This joke is actually quite funny."
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"You see, this man, he finds a magic lamp,"
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"That's just the setup."
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"Well, you've set me up, for laughs down the road."
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""but whatever you get, your wife gets double.""
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"Okay? Remember that."
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"How nice for her."
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"Now, here's the humor."
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"The genie says, "your wife gets two.""
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"Okay, remember the double?"
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"The man says, "I want a new house.""
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"So the genie says, "your wife gets two.""
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""beat me half to death.""
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"It's funny."
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"Don't you get it?"
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"'Cause she gets double, so if he gets beaten"
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"half to death, the wife would be beaten to death."
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"That sounds horrible."
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"I agree, terrible."
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"Offensive towards women."
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"No!"
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"Spousal abuse."
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"It's, uh, it's a real problem."
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"It's tragic, if anything so..."
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"Yes, I could really picture him."
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"With curly shoes and smoke all over the place."
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"You're a born storyteller."
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"Well, yeah, I suppose I am, yeah."
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"Yeah, not a murderer."
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"No."
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"Would you like to hear another joke?"
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"I sure would."
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"Let me just get us some iced tea."
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"One more kind word from her and I am completely smitten."
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"Your toaster takes bagels."
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"How ritzy."
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"And there we have it."
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"what's that delicious smell?"
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"I'm burning all your underwear."
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"what's with the kimono?"
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""Are we having Lachoy?""
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"No Marge,"
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"I was just sitting around drinking Vermouth"
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"and contemplating how, just when you're drowning"
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"in a pit of despair, life can throw you a beautiful blue life preserver."
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"I thought life preservers only came in orange."
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"Because wouldn't it be hard to see blue in the ocean?"
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"No logic. Not tonight."
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"The housekeeper took him out for a walk."
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"How long do we have to stay here?"
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"Till I'm sick of drinking these,"
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"That's right, it just gets worse."
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"So, you see, we have the whole house to ourselves."
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"Oh, who left this here?"
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"Did I tell you I'm a bit of a songwriter?"
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"Words and music, hold the applause."
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"I wrote this song for a woman."
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"You."
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"What an odd thing for a man who's not interested in me to do."
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"Lady when you came to me,"
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"I was feeling blue"
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"blue just like your hair, you see"
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"blue just like the moon"
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"but only when the moon is blue and not when it is cream"
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"and now that you are here with me I am in a dream oh,"
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"Yeah, Marge, your dreams can come true."
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"Lady, when you go away I feel like I could die"
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"not like dye like your hair is dyed"
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"but die like Lady Di and not Like Di"
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"like her name is Di but die like when she died."
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"But lady just like lady di be my princess tonight"
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"but don't die don't die."
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"How'd you think up so many rhyming words?"
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"Marge, I love you."
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"And I can tell from your basic level of courtesy"
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"that you love me, too."
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"What?! No."
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"because you love me, right?"
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"Admit it. We were born to fall into"
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"He's a real man, not like me,"
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"a miserable toad under the thumb of the biggest bitch this side"
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"of the Westminster Kennel Club."
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"Charles, please, your son might see this."
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"He's not my son."
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"His real father is either the pool man"
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"or my wife's lover."
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"They're the main two candidates I've narrowed it down to."
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"Pretty sure."
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"There, there."
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