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Clips from Ted 2

Short Films 2015 3 min ★ 7.3/10 (32 ratings) 2,163 clips
Short Comedy

Credits

MALE NARRATOR: We are often told
"MALE NARRATOR: We are often told"
Ted 2
that happily-ever-afters exist only in the pages of fairy tales
"that happily-ever-afters exist only in the pages of fairy tales"
Ted 2
And yet, on this bright, sunny, Boston afternoon,
"And yet, on this bright, sunny, Boston afternoon,"
Ted 2
Happy endings can come true for anyone.
"Happy endings can come true for anyone."
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And America doesn't give a shit about anything.
"And America doesn't give a shit about anything."
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Do you, Tami-Lynn McCafferty,
"Do you, Tami-Lynn McCafferty,"
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take this teddy bear to be your lawfully wedded husband?
"take this teddy bear to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
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I do.
"I do."
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SAM: And do you, Ted,
"SAM: And do you, Ted,"
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(GIGGLES)
"(GIGGLES)"
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You may kiss the bear.
"You may kiss the bear."
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WEDDING ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, your newlyweds!
"WEDDING ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, your newlyweds!"
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(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
"(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)"
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Teddy, this is the best day of my life!
"Teddy, this is the best day of my life!"
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I just love you so much.
"I just love you so much."
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I'm gonna go fifty shades of bear on you tonight.
"I'm gonna go fifty shades of bear on you tonight."
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Let's go get shit-faced!
"Let's go get shit-faced!"
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Thank you.
"Thank you."
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Oh. Thank you so much for being a part of it.
"Oh. Thank you so much for being a part of it."
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Hey, this is my new boyfriend, Rick.
"Hey, this is my new boyfriend, Rick."
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Good, good.
"Good, good."
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Rick and I are actually about to tie the knot.
"Rick and I are actually about to tie the knot."
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Oh, you guys are getting married?
"Oh, you guys are getting married?"
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Deal.
"Deal."
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TED: Hey, buddy. You okay, there?
"TED: Hey, buddy. You okay, there?"
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Are you still shaking off that hangover from the bachelor party?
"Are you still shaking off that hangover from the bachelor party?"
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Oh! That's nice.
"Oh! That's nice."
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Oh, my God. She's fucking begging for it!
"Oh, my God. She's fucking begging for it!"
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(LAUGHS) She's totally begging. Get it. Get in there.
"(LAUGHS) She's totally begging. Get it. Get in there."
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JOHN: Oh, yeah. She wants more
"JOHN: Oh, yeah. She wants more"
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than just a fucking pizza delivery, huh? (MEN LAUGHING)
"than just a fucking pizza delivery, huh? (MEN LAUGHING)"
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TED: That's bigger than the average bear right there, I tell you.
"TED: That's bigger than the average bear right there, I tell you."
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JOHN: You know what's fucked up? Dude, that's somebody's fucking daughter!
"JOHN: You know what's fucked up? Dude, that's somebody's fucking daughter!"
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I'm fine. I was thinking about Lori.
"I'm fine. I was thinking about Lori."
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Oh, Johnny, come on, man.
"Oh, Johnny, come on, man."
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It's been six months since you guys got divorced.
"It's been six months since you guys got divorced."
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I know, I know. It's just that...
"I know, I know. It's just that..."
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Being back in that church again.
"Being back in that church again."
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I mean, everything seemed like it was gonna be so perfect.
"I mean, everything seemed like it was gonna be so perfect."
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Yeah. Well, you're not the first guy
"Yeah. Well, you're not the first guy"
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if I did drugs on our wedding day.
"if I did drugs on our wedding day."
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Yeah, I'm gonna pass.
"Yeah, I'm gonna pass."
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I'm starving. What the hell are you doing over there?
"I'm starving. What the hell are you doing over there?"
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I'm curing cancer.
"I'm curing cancer."
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I'm cooking your fucking steak- What do you think I'm doing?
"I'm cooking your fucking steak- What do you think I'm doing?"
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What do I think you're doing?
"What do I think you're doing?"
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Look at this, look at this. $129 at Filene's Basement.
"Look at this, look at this. $129 at Filene's Basement."
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What are you buying over there, Tami? Gold bars?
"What are you buying over there, Tami? Gold bars?"
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I need clothes for work. All right, Teddy?
"I need clothes for work. All right, Teddy?"
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Yeah? So are you!
"Yeah? So are you!"
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Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
"Oh, no, no, no, no, no!"
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You're just buying weed, you're just buying drugs.
"You're just buying weed, you're just buying drugs."
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You should fucking talk!
"You should fucking talk!"
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I was talking. I was just talking, just now, until you interrupted me.
"I was talking. I was just talking, just now, until you interrupted me."
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I never get to fucking say anything!
"I never get to fucking say anything!"
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Are you gonna let me finish talking?
"Are you gonna let me finish talking?"
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You're always cutting me off!
"You're always cutting me off!"
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Are you gonna let me finish talking?
"Are you gonna let me finish talking?"
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It's important to look good at work.
"It's important to look good at work."
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Nobody's in there to look at your ass!
"Nobody's in there to look at your ass!"
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You're acting like an asshole!
"You're acting like an asshole!"
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Oh, what am I acting like, Tami?
"Oh, what am I acting like, Tami?"
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Like an asshole! That's what you're acting like!
"Like an asshole! That's what you're acting like!"
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You don't got to dress like Elizabeth Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag!
"You don't got to dress like Elizabeth Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag!"
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The face of the business? So get the fuck off my case!
"The face of the business? So get the fuck off my case!"
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Jesus Christ! Listen to you! You're delusional!
"Jesus Christ! Listen to you! You're delusional!"
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I should've married Robert DiCicco. I really should've.
"I should've married Robert DiCicco. I really should've."
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Fine! Fine! Go torture that asshole!
"Fine! Fine! Go torture that asshole!"
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He treated me good!
"He treated me good!"
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And (GASPS) he had a dick! He had an awesome dick!
"And (GASPS) he had a dick! He had an awesome dick!"
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Oh, newsflash! Boston whore has seen Italian penis.
"Oh, newsflash! Boston whore has seen Italian penis."
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You wanna call me a whore?
"You wanna call me a whore?"
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You wanna throw shit?
"You wanna throw shit?"
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Yeah, I wanna fucking throw shit!
"Yeah, I wanna fucking throw shit!"
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Oh. Wow. There, see! How do you like that?
"Oh. Wow. There, see! How do you like that?"
Ted 2
I'm really fucking scared of you, you little fucking bear!
"I'm really fucking scared of you, you little fucking bear!"
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Oh, for Christ's sake!
"Oh, for Christ's sake!"
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Hey, you shut the fuck up!
"Hey, you shut the fuck up!"
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Why don't you come down and make me, tough guy?
"Why don't you come down and make me, tough guy?"
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Yeah, why don't you come up here
"Yeah, why don't you come up here"
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and make me come down there, tough guy?
"and make me come down there, tough guy?"
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I am gonna come up there and I'm gonna kick your fucking ass!
"I am gonna come up there and I'm gonna kick your fucking ass!"
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Get your ass up here and kick my ass!
"Get your ass up here and kick my ass!"
Ted 2
(SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
"(SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)"
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Shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch!
"Shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch!"
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People are trying to sleep!
"People are trying to sleep!"
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God damn it!
"God damn it!"
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Shut the fuck up!
"Shut the fuck up!"
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Hey, I'm really sorry! Yeah, me, too.
"Hey, I'm really sorry! Yeah, me, too."
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She's worse than us.
"She's worse than us."
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Oh, God, yeah. It was a frigging disaster.
"Oh, God, yeah. It was a frigging disaster."
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$250? Dude, that's ridiculous!
"$250? Dude, that's ridiculous!"
Ted 2
I mean, doesn't your insurance cover that or something?
"I mean, doesn't your insurance cover that or something?"
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Nah, Tami-Lynn tried to sign up for Obamacare on the Internet,
"Nah, Tami-Lynn tried to sign up for Obamacare on the Internet,"
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but I came back five minutes later,
"but I came back five minutes later,"
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she was looking at black cocks.
"she was looking at black cocks."
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It seems like every time you go online,
"It seems like every time you go online,"
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you're two clicks away from black cocks.
"you're two clicks away from black cocks."
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LOOK.
"LOOK."
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See, I'll Google "Grand Canyon."
"See, I'll Google "Grand Canyon.""
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Here. Look, it says, "Did you mean black cocks?"
"Here. Look, it says, "Did you mean black cocks?""
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I don't know, man. I got to do something
"I don't know, man. I got to do something"
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or my marriage is gonna collapse. (SIGHS)
"or my marriage is gonna collapse. (SIGHS)"
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but I'm going to this after-hours thing
"but I'm going to this after-hours thing"
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at my friend's apartment, if you wanna join-.
"at my friend's apartment, if you wanna join-."
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Oh, my God! Are you fucking kidding me?
"Oh, my God! Are you fucking kidding me?"
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Jesus,Johnny, she totally wants to sleep with you.
"Jesus,Johnny, she totally wants to sleep with you."
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I'm not into it.
"I'm not into it."
Ted 2
John, you've been saying that for over a year-and-a-half
"John, you've been saying that for over a year-and-a-half"
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about every chick that throws herself at you.
"about every chick that throws herself at you."
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with the wrong girl and I got burned.
"with the wrong girl and I got burned."
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Yeah, I got to take a leak.
"Yeah, I got to take a leak."
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Sorry, Allison. I tried.
"Sorry, Allison. I tried."
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(SIGHS) It's okay. I just wish he wasn't so goddamn cute.
"(SIGHS) It's okay. I just wish he wasn't so goddamn cute."
Ted 2
Yeah. Hey, can I get a Jack Daniel's
"Yeah. Hey, can I get a Jack Daniel's"
Ted 2
with just a splash of Grey Goose?
"with just a splash of Grey Goose?"
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Wish I could help you, but we're closing.
"Wish I could help you, but we're closing."
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Come on, one drink and I promise I won't tell anybody
"Come on, one drink and I promise I won't tell anybody"
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(STRAINING) There we go. Thanks a lot, come again.
"(STRAINING) There we go. Thanks a lot, come again."
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Hey.
"Hey."
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