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Clips from Archer - Swiss Miss (S02E02)

Short Films 1975 Season 2, Episode 1 7 min 439 clips
Short Sport Documentary
So if you want paper towels in there, you'll just have to supply your own.
"So if you want paper towels in there, you'll just have to supply your own."
Archer
And until ISIS gets in the black, we all have to make some sacrifices so...
"And until ISIS gets in the black, we all have to make some sacrifices so..."
Archer
At this rate, I'll be reduced to wearing nutria.
"At this rate, I'll be reduced to wearing nutria."
Archer
[LANA GROANS]
"[LANA GROANS]"
Archer
- Good thing you know how to cheat. What? - Hey.
"- Good thing you know how to cheat. What? - Hey."
Archer
- Derby Day wore that exact same hat. - Shock.
"- Derby Day wore that exact same hat. - Shock."
Archer
- Ach, Gstaad. - Gstaad?
"- Ach, Gstaad. - Gstaad?"
Archer
So I will be that someone who is constantly on her.
"So I will be that someone who is constantly on her."
Archer
- Oh, please. - Tongue back in.
"- Oh, please. - Tongue back in."
Archer
No, she looks like she's just turning 18.
"No, she looks like she's just turning 18."
Archer
That crap is $300 a bottle...
"That crap is $300 a bottle..."
Archer
Oh, like you didn't... Know!
"Oh, like you didn't... Know!"
Archer
Surely El Frente does not frighten the famous Sterling Archer.
"Surely El Frente does not frighten the famous Sterling Archer."
Archer
- Well, I hope you're happy. - No, I'm not, Mother. I just got fingered.
"- Well, I hope you're happy. - No, I'm not, Mother. I just got fingered."
Archer
Don't smell it.
"Don't smell it."
Archer
Can't I leave you two alone for even one hour without you going at it?
"Can't I leave you two alone for even one hour without you going at it?"
Archer
[TWINS SPEAK IN SPANISH]
"[TWINS SPEAK IN SPANISH]"
Archer
It won't be a problem to kidnap that bourgeois perrita.
"It won't be a problem to kidnap that bourgeois perrita."
Archer
Her father has forbidden Archer to go near her.
"Her father has forbidden Archer to go near her."
Archer
- So we go with my plan. - Your plan stinks more than that cheese.
"- So we go with my plan. - Your plan stinks more than that cheese."
Archer
[DOOR OPENS]
"[DOOR OPENS]"
Archer
No. Come on, Anka, seriously. You seriously gotta get out of here before...
"No. Come on, Anka, seriously. You seriously gotta get out of here before..."
Archer
I don't know. I am from Germany, where the age of consent is 14.
"I don't know. I am from Germany, where the age of consent is 14."
Archer
What is it, the Alabama of Europe?
"What is it, the Alabama of Europe?"
Archer
No, we can't. Seriously, you have to...
"No, we can't. Seriously, you have to..."
Archer
Hand over the girl, cochino.
"Hand over the girl, cochino."
Archer
Holy shit. Did you see that?
"Holy shit. Did you see that?"
Archer
[ANKA GASPS]
"[ANKA GASPS]"
Archer
- Then he tried to touch me with his Wilhelm. - What? No, l...
"- Then he tried to touch me with his Wilhelm. - What? No, l..."
Archer
And yet here you stand...
"And yet here you stand..."
Archer
Hello, razor. Welcome to the party.
"Hello, razor. Welcome to the party."
Archer
Look, I'm serious. You need help.
"Look, I'm serious. You need help."
Archer
Ray, what is a...?
"Ray, what is a...?"
Archer
And it's something a grown-up does when he loves another grown-up.
"And it's something a grown-up does when he loves another grown-up."
Archer
Well, ass, it was Giant Slalom and I only took bronze.
"Well, ass, it was Giant Slalom and I only took bronze."
Archer
Yeah, which is last.
"Yeah, which is last."
Archer
...in the world, so... - You lost, Ray.
"...in the world, so... - You lost, Ray."
Archer
[JAVI COUGHING AND GROANING]
"[JAVI COUGHING AND GROANING]"
Archer
My plan requires three people. Three people who have faces!
"My plan requires three people. Three people who have faces!"
Archer
You are so clever and sexy.
"You are so clever and sexy."
Archer
[JAVI SCREAMING]
"[JAVI SCREAMING]"
Archer
That sounds like Schlotz, but...
"That sounds like Schlotz, but..."
Archer
[GASPS]
"[GASPS]"
Archer
Oh, my God, Pam must be getting naked.
"Oh, my God, Pam must be getting naked."
Archer
- Loofah, I know. ...to protect some Eurotrash brat...
"- Loofah, I know. ...to protect some Eurotrash brat..."
Archer
...armed with automatic weapons.
"...armed with automatic weapons."
Archer
I need to ask you a tiny...
"I need to ask you a tiny..."
Archer
[MALORY SIGHS]
"[MALORY SIGHS]"
Archer
Do you think I need a boob job?
"Do you think I need a boob job?"
Archer
- Because tonight, Sterling Archer dies. - Ha. Oh, yeah?
"- Because tonight, Sterling Archer dies. - Ha. Oh, yeah?"
Archer
Don't shoot the girl! We need her!
"Don't shoot the girl! We need her!"
Archer
You got any ideas, Anka? Because I'm all ears.
"You got any ideas, Anka? Because I'm all ears."
Archer
Well, why don't we take that?
"Well, why don't we take that?"
Archer
Archer, we are safe now, ja?
"Archer, we are safe now, ja?"
Archer
[MACHINE GUNS FIRING]
"[MACHINE GUNS FIRING]"
Archer
Lmmigrants. Cramming their lowriders full of free health care and snow.
"Lmmigrants. Cramming their lowriders full of free health care and snow."
Archer
Unh. You can't believe what this is doing to my stitches.
"Unh. You can't believe what this is doing to my stitches."
Archer
We should go to the gendarmes.
"We should go to the gendarmes."
Archer
[ANKA SCREAMS]
"[ANKA SCREAMS]"
Archer
ARCHER: Hey, that's right in my ear, so...
"ARCHER: Hey, that's right in my ear, so..."
Archer
So you can't do it every time.
"So you can't do it every time."
Archer
Meaning you're a spoiled, rich, little lying brat who...
"Meaning you're a spoiled, rich, little lying brat who..."
Archer
- Take it back. - Fine, I take it back.
"- Take it back. - Fine, I take it back."
Archer
- What? - Because I came in second, smartass.
"- What? - Because I came in second, smartass."
Archer
ANKA: Like this?
"ANKA: Like this?"
Archer
[ANKA SCREAMS]
"[ANKA SCREAMS]"
Archer
No, we... Oh, my God.
"No, we... Oh, my God."
Archer
Ha. I have seen dozens. Scores, even.
"Ha. I have seen dozens. Scores, even."
Archer
L... So maybe not.
"L... So maybe not."
Archer
Mama is gone, Papa is always at work. I just rot away at that boarding school.
"Mama is gone, Papa is always at work. I just rot away at that boarding school."
Archer
- Lacrosse camp. - It's like he doesn't want me around.
"- Lacrosse camp. - It's like he doesn't want me around."
Archer
You know, Archer, I think you and I are a lot alike.
"You know, Archer, I think you and I are a lot alike."
Archer
[SCREAMING]
"[SCREAMING]"
Archer
Whoa. That's first degree frostbite.
"Whoa. That's first degree frostbite."
Archer
- Please. - Nope.
"- Please. - Nope."
Archer
This is a medical proced... Ow.
"This is a medical proced... Ow."
Archer
Uck! It was those damn Green Russians.
"Uck! It was those damn Green Russians."
Archer
[BURPS]
"[BURPS]"
Archer
ARCHER: Are you kidding? LANA: Come on.
"ARCHER: Are you kidding? LANA: Come on."
Archer
- Where do you get paper towels? - And last item.
"- Where do you get paper towels? - And last item."
Archer
On a related note, I have no choice but to cut salaries.
"On a related note, I have no choice but to cut salaries."
Archer
Eight percent, across the board.
"Eight percent, across the board."
Archer
- Do we have to supply our own lids? - Look, I didn't invent the economy.
"- Do we have to supply our own lids? - Look, I didn't invent the economy."
Archer
[INTERCOM BEEPS]
"[INTERCOM BEEPS]"
Archer
CHERYL: Line one for you. It's your furrier.
"CHERYL: Line one for you. It's your furrier."
Archer
LANA: Unbelievable.
"LANA: Unbelievable."
Archer
- We have to cut back... - But you're buying new horseshoes.
"- We have to cut back... - But you're buying new horseshoes."
Archer
Tell him to send over the gray fox.
"Tell him to send over the gray fox."
Archer
See? Sacrifice.
"See? Sacrifice."
Archer
And this is Conrad Schlotz.
"And this is Conrad Schlotz."
Archer
Herr Schlotz controls all of Europe's videotex services.
"Herr Schlotz controls all of Europe's videotex services."
Archer
- Videotex? Wow, growth industry. - So he's worth billions.
"- Videotex? Wow, growth industry. - So he's worth billions."
Archer
Well, that's gonna be a tough sell.
"Well, that's gonna be a tough sell."
Archer
Ahem. We've posted losses for 15 straight quarters so...
"Ahem. We've posted losses for 15 straight quarters so..."
Archer
That's why you're going to cook up a different set of books, Cyril.
"That's why you're going to cook up a different set of books, Cyril."
Archer
- Oh, no, I'm not comfortable with that. - No?
"- Oh, no, I'm not comfortable with that. - No?"
Archer
Think you'd be more comfortable on another little vacation upstate?
"Think you'd be more comfortable on another little vacation upstate?"
Archer
No, I was dating Lana, but since I suffer from sexual addiction...
"No, I was dating Lana, but since I suffer from sexual addiction..."
Archer
...which these quacks deny is even real, now they're treating me for...
"...which these quacks deny is even real, now they're treating me for..."
Archer
Can somebody please shut up that damn coyote?!
"Can somebody please shut up that damn coyote?!"
Archer
Clormatrazapam?
"Clormatrazapam?"
Archer
No. No, I would not.
"No. No, I would not."
Archer
- So unless you want me to send you back... - I will start cooking the books.
"- So unless you want me to send you back... - I will start cooking the books."
Archer
The books are prong one while prong two is El Frente Rojo.
"The books are prong one while prong two is El Frente Rojo."
Archer
Herr Schlotz fears they may attempt a kidnapping...
"Herr Schlotz fears they may attempt a kidnapping..."
Archer
...during a birthday party he's throwing this weekend in Gstaad.
"...during a birthday party he's throwing this weekend in Gstaad."
Archer
- Oh, yeah, count me in. - Yeah, and me out.
"- Oh, yeah, count me in. - Yeah, and me out."
Archer
I'm not getting frostbite protecting some old German guy.
"I'm not getting frostbite protecting some old German guy."
Archer
Herr Schlotz isn't the intended victim. It's his daughter, Anka.
"Herr Schlotz isn't the intended victim. It's his daughter, Anka."
Archer
ARCHER: Who obviously needs someone on her constantly.
"ARCHER: Who obviously needs someone on her constantly."
Archer
For God's sake, Sterling, she's turning 17.
"For God's sake, Sterling, she's turning 17."
Archer
- Oh. Ew. Sorry. - Even for you, Archer.
"- Oh. Ew. Sorry. - Even for you, Archer."
Archer
Come on. She doesn't look like she's just turning 17.
"Come on. She doesn't look like she's just turning 17."
Archer
Exactly. Plus Europeans use the metric system...
"Exactly. Plus Europeans use the metric system..."
Archer
Uh... See? How I let that just go by?
"Uh... See? How I let that just go by?"
Archer
Look at me.
"Look at me."
Archer
I am the perfect gentleman.
"I am the perfect gentleman."
Archer
ARCHER: No. This is completely unacceptable.
"ARCHER: No. This is completely unacceptable."
Archer
I mean, cutbacks, I get it, but you cannot expect me to share a room with Ray.
"I mean, cutbacks, I get it, but you cannot expect me to share a room with Ray."
Archer
Oh, I'll be gentle.
"Oh, I'll be gentle."
Archer