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Clips from Archer - Swiss Miss (S02E02)

"So if you want paper towels in there, you'll just have to supply your own."
Archer
"And until ISIS gets in the black, we all have to make some sacrifices so..."
Archer
"At this rate, I'll be reduced to wearing nutria."
Archer
"[LANA GROANS]"
Archer
"- Good thing you know how to cheat. What? - Hey."
Archer
"- Derby Day wore that exact same hat. - Shock."
Archer
"- Ach, Gstaad. - Gstaad?"
Archer
"So I will be that someone who is constantly on her."
Archer
"- Oh, please. - Tongue back in."
Archer
"No, she looks like she's just turning 18."
Archer
"That crap is $300 a bottle..."
Archer
"Oh, like you didn't... Know!"
Archer
"Surely El Frente does not frighten the famous Sterling Archer."
Archer
"- Well, I hope you're happy. - No, I'm not, Mother. I just got fingered."
Archer
"Don't smell it."
Archer
"Can't I leave you two alone for even one hour without you going at it?"
Archer
"[TWINS SPEAK IN SPANISH]"
Archer
"It won't be a problem to kidnap that bourgeois perrita."
Archer
"Her father has forbidden Archer to go near her."
Archer
"- So we go with my plan. - Your plan stinks more than that cheese."
Archer
"[DOOR OPENS]"
Archer
"No. Come on, Anka, seriously. You seriously gotta get out of here before..."
Archer
"I don't know. I am from Germany, where the age of consent is 14."
Archer
"What is it, the Alabama of Europe?"
Archer
"No, we can't. Seriously, you have to..."
Archer
"Hand over the girl, cochino."
Archer
"Holy shit. Did you see that?"
Archer
"[ANKA GASPS]"
Archer
"- Then he tried to touch me with his Wilhelm. - What? No, l..."
Archer
"And yet here you stand..."
Archer
"Hello, razor. Welcome to the party."
Archer
"Look, I'm serious. You need help."
Archer
"Ray, what is a...?"
Archer
"And it's something a grown-up does when he loves another grown-up."
Archer
"Well, ass, it was Giant Slalom and I only took bronze."
Archer
"Yeah, which is last."
Archer
"...in the world, so... - You lost, Ray."
Archer
"[JAVI COUGHING AND GROANING]"
Archer
"My plan requires three people. Three people who have faces!"
Archer
"You are so clever and sexy."
Archer
"[JAVI SCREAMING]"
Archer
"That sounds like Schlotz, but..."
Archer
"[GASPS]"
Archer
"Oh, my God, Pam must be getting naked."
Archer
"- Loofah, I know. ...to protect some Eurotrash brat..."
Archer
"...armed with automatic weapons."
Archer
"I need to ask you a tiny..."
Archer
"[MALORY SIGHS]"
Archer
"Do you think I need a boob job?"
Archer
"- Because tonight, Sterling Archer dies. - Ha. Oh, yeah?"
Archer
"Don't shoot the girl! We need her!"
Archer
"You got any ideas, Anka? Because I'm all ears."
Archer
"Well, why don't we take that?"
Archer
"Archer, we are safe now, ja?"
Archer
"[MACHINE GUNS FIRING]"
Archer
"Lmmigrants. Cramming their lowriders full of free health care and snow."
Archer
"Unh. You can't believe what this is doing to my stitches."
Archer
"We should go to the gendarmes."
Archer
"[ANKA SCREAMS]"
Archer
"ARCHER: Hey, that's right in my ear, so..."
Archer
"So you can't do it every time."
Archer
"Meaning you're a spoiled, rich, little lying brat who..."
Archer
"- Take it back. - Fine, I take it back."
Archer
"- What? - Because I came in second, smartass."
Archer
"ANKA: Like this?"
Archer
"[ANKA SCREAMS]"
Archer
"No, we... Oh, my God."
Archer
"Ha. I have seen dozens. Scores, even."
Archer
"L... So maybe not."
Archer
"Mama is gone, Papa is always at work. I just rot away at that boarding school."
Archer
"- Lacrosse camp. - It's like he doesn't want me around."
Archer
"You know, Archer, I think you and I are a lot alike."
Archer
"[SCREAMING]"
Archer
"Whoa. That's first degree frostbite."
Archer
"- Please. - Nope."
Archer
"This is a medical proced... Ow."
Archer
"Uck! It was those damn Green Russians."
Archer
"[BURPS]"
Archer
"ARCHER: Are you kidding? LANA: Come on."
Archer
"- Where do you get paper towels? - And last item."
Archer
"On a related note, I have no choice but to cut salaries."
Archer
"Eight percent, across the board."
Archer
"- Do we have to supply our own lids? - Look, I didn't invent the economy."
Archer
"[INTERCOM BEEPS]"
Archer
"CHERYL: Line one for you. It's your furrier."
Archer
"LANA: Unbelievable."
Archer
"- We have to cut back... - But you're buying new horseshoes."
Archer
"Tell him to send over the gray fox."
Archer
"See? Sacrifice."
Archer
"And this is Conrad Schlotz."
Archer
"Herr Schlotz controls all of Europe's videotex services."
Archer
"- Videotex? Wow, growth industry. - So he's worth billions."
Archer
"Well, that's gonna be a tough sell."
Archer
"Ahem. We've posted losses for 15 straight quarters so..."
Archer
"That's why you're going to cook up a different set of books, Cyril."
Archer
"- Oh, no, I'm not comfortable with that. - No?"
Archer
"Think you'd be more comfortable on another little vacation upstate?"
Archer
"No, I was dating Lana, but since I suffer from sexual addiction..."
Archer
"...which these quacks deny is even real, now they're treating me for..."
Archer
"Can somebody please shut up that damn coyote?!"
Archer
"Clormatrazapam?"
Archer
"No. No, I would not."
Archer
"- So unless you want me to send you back... - I will start cooking the books."
Archer
"The books are prong one while prong two is El Frente Rojo."
Archer
"Herr Schlotz fears they may attempt a kidnapping..."
Archer
"...during a birthday party he's throwing this weekend in Gstaad."
Archer
"- Oh, yeah, count me in. - Yeah, and me out."
Archer
"I'm not getting frostbite protecting some old German guy."
Archer
"Herr Schlotz isn't the intended victim. It's his daughter, Anka."
Archer
"ARCHER: Who obviously needs someone on her constantly."
Archer
"For God's sake, Sterling, she's turning 17."
Archer
"- Oh. Ew. Sorry. - Even for you, Archer."
Archer
"Come on. She doesn't look like she's just turning 17."
Archer
"Exactly. Plus Europeans use the metric system..."
Archer
"Uh... See? How I let that just go by?"
Archer
"Look at me."
Archer
"I am the perfect gentleman."
Archer
"ARCHER: No. This is completely unacceptable."
Archer
"I mean, cutbacks, I get it, but you cannot expect me to share a room with Ray."
Archer
"Oh, I'll be gentle."
Archer
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