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Clips from NewsRadio - Copy Machine (S04E04)

"You know, ever since-- [ Clears Throat ] Ted died, I've been really upset and all."
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"♪ From the chaotic evil thief lord ♪"
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"See, that's the chorus. It goes on and on and on."
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"What happened to Ted was a freak accident, and I can prove it."
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"Yeah, right. Yes, yes."
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"No! P-Please don't! No, Joe."
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"- Okay now. Let's just turn on the copier. - [ Clicks On ]"
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"It's all right. Okay?"
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"All right. What do you say we just hit "copy"?"
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"[ Whirring ] There you go."
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"It's workin' pretty well, you know, and look."
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"Right? Nothin' happens. What happened to Ted was a-- was a freak accident."
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"No matter how hard I try-- Look, look. No matter how hard I try to recreate it, I can't."
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"I guess so. Thanks, Dave."
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"Hey, Joe, the demonstration's over, so what do you say you get back to work, huh?"
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"Look, this may bear some superficial similarities to what happened to Ted,"
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"but I'm sure that it's really quite a different situation, all right? [ Grunting ]"
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"Uh, I wish. I wish. But no."
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"♪ Really rocked the house ♪"
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"Let's just review what we've learned..."
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"Had Ted simply dragged the photocopier over to Beth's desk,"
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"he would have been able to avoid his..."
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"That's it, you guys. I'm gonna get to the bottom of this thing."
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"- What are you gonna do? - I'm gonna open it up and fix it..."
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"That's the Joe we know. Get to it, slugger."
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"Ew. I don't want that!"
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"You know, my dog used to drink out of the toilet all the time and nothing happened to her."
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"[ Lisa ] What is it?"
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"Huh? Let me see."
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"[ Groans ] "Dear everyone,"
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""I've decided to take my own life."
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""I have modified the copy machine..."
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""May the Force be with you."
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"Ted from Accounting.""
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"Well, so I really didn't kill him."
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"Well, we never thought you did."
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"I was startin' to think he did."
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"You know, Joseph, the road of life has many twists and turns."
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"We can't know what we--"
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"Oh. Well, I-I-- I hope you got some good... Ted stories."
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"or at all, even."
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"Well, I'm not surprised. He was a tough guy to get to know."
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"That he was. Yeah."
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"Guy was kind of an ass."
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"Really, I-- I avoided him like the plague."
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"Well, just tellin' it like it is. No, you're not."
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"Look, I may not have known Ted well while he was alive,"
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"and he deserves our-our-our compassion and our respect!"
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"And damn it, he was a Star Wars fan!"
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"And you-you have the-the nerve, the gall to call him an ass!"
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"I mean, you have no right to be giving his eulogy!"
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"I couldn't agree with you more. Hah!"
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"Finally let out all that rage and sorrow you felt over Ted's death."
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"I guess Ted's death did affect me. That's w-weird, isn't it?"
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"You th-- Yeah? I guess so."
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"Yeah. Yeah, I suppose."
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"So-- [ Exhales ] So."
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"So. [ Sighs ] Whoo."
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"Who is gonna give that, uh, eulogy?"
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"♪ [ Organ ]"
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"I can't claim that I knew Ted well,"
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"A fact I only learned moments ago."
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"But there you have it."
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"Yeah. I told you that coffee machine was trouble."
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"- Accounting. - I don't know anyone in Accounting."
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"Thanks for lettin' us use the office. N-No problem."
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"when the, uh-- the main accountant was away."
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"so if anybody needs to take the day off, that's, uh-- I completely understand."
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"- That dude, Ted. I killed him. - What?"
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"Well, at least Ted didn't die in vain."
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"I'm flushin' my tools down the toilet."
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"[ Light, Rapid Knocking ]"
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"- Oh. I'm sorry. - What?"
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"Yeah. And remember, there are no taboos in grieving."
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"No! Math-Math-Matthew--"
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"It doesn't matter how it comes out, as long as it comes out."
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"for taking away your friend Ted."
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"- I'm not crying. Not crying. - Okay."
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"Um, please, have a seat."
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"Well, it's just you were saying--"
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"Yeah, I was saying that, uh, after college Ted and I kind of lost touch, so, uh,"
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"So, do you, uh--"
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"- [ Jack ] Great. Thank you. - Oh, and please forgive Dave."
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"Okay, e-enough is enough, all right?"
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"Then we'll feed in the paper, all right?"
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"'Scuse me. 'Scuse me. 'Scuse me. 'Scuse me. Wait, wait-- What?"
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"- How many verses does this song have? - Thirty."
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"Well, truth be told, I hardly knew him myself. Oh."
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"I'm just... doin' this 'cause, uh, I guess his family couldn't find anyone else."
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"but I do know that he had his passions."
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"Yeah, until it's too late."
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"♪ Now we're rockin' Now we're really rockin' ♪"
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"retrieved a pair of scissors and cut himself loose from the machinery--"
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"Oh, yeah, I had root beer, like, yea deep floodin' the whole entire floor of my garage."
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"we can do this later. No, I'm fine."
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"Oh, good. Excuse me."
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"Be that as it may, let's have a little respect for the man now, huh?"
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"- Oh, because-- - Why would anyone hold a funeral in an office building?"
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"Sorry. I don't mean to hurt you. I don't wanna hurt anyone ever again."
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"That doesn't happen in Ordinary People."
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"[ Scoffs ] Bravo."
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"You sure? I'll be fine."
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"Get away. Get away! Get away. Get away."
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"Well, not by choice."
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"[ Clears Throat ] ♪ Ted ♪"
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"That's how. Take it."
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"What's going on? Dave. He's-He's venting."
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"- That doesn't even make sense. - What happened?"
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""Look at me, I'm Tom.""
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"Well, thank you for calling."
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"You know, did Ted have a--"
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"So you wanted to, uh-- talk about Ted, huh? Yeah."
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"Who are you, sir?"
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"Are you serious, dude?"
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"♪ But one day Ted met an elf named Matthew ♪"
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"♪ [ Imitating Electric Guitar ]"
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"♪ [ Vocalizing ]"
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"- I am fully capable of doing my job, all right? - No taboos."
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"Yeah."
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"You remember Ted, the guy that died last night? Yes, I remember."
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