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Clips from Abbott Elementary - Pilot (S01E01)

"Ms. Schwartz was out of line"
Abbott Elementary
"and clearly didn't know how to handle her class."
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"- You hired her. - And fired her."
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"They give me a lot of power around here. It's crazy."
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"In the meantime, Mr. Johnson will be watching her class."
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"Wait. Sorry. Mr. Johnson, the janitor?"
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"That's who runs the world, kids."
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"I think maybe we should alert the school district to this."
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"I mean, a child was harmed."
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"Hey! H-Harmed? I handled this."
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"No need to let them know that a child was harmed on my wa--"
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"on the school's watch, to be clear."
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"Ava, this is not handled."
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"There is a 70-year-old custodian who voted for Kanye"
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"teaching social studies right now."
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"We need help. Look, I know we don't have any money --"
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"Okay! All right, I'll make a small"
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"emergency budget request to the district,"
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"and you guys can get pencils and hire aides"
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"or whatever else you need."
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"- So even rugs? - Sure! Just e-mail a request."
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"Okay, I can -- I can write an e-mail."
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"Another day in principal life."
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"♪ I believe the children are our future ♪"
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"Yes! Hear that?"
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"- Ask and receive. - Mm."
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"(school bell rings)"
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"- I'll get you two. - Okay."
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"Um...hello?"
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"I'm looking for Ms. Coleman."
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"Oh, yeah, she --"
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"Hello."
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"Hi. I'm Gregory Eddie. I'm the sub for the teacher"
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"who, uh... punted a student."
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"Oh! You're the sub. Forgive me."
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"I thought one of my colleagues here hired a stripper for me."
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"(laughs)"
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"Okay."
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"Nice to meet you, young man."
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"- Yeah, you too. - Yeah, nice to meet you, Ryan."
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"It's Gregory."
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"Eh, let's see how long you'll be here."
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"Then I'll remember your name, okay, Tim?"
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"Yes! My dude."
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"(chuckles) Oh, yeah."
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"Yeah. Keepin' it profesh. I like that."
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"I'm Jacob."
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"It's nice to see another male teacher in here."
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"- Hmm! - There's not a lot of us."
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"Hey, now I got somebody to talk sports with."
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"You like women's tennis?"
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"Or, as I call it, you know, regular tennis."
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"I'm subbing here because I need a job"
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"until I can become principal."
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"It's what I studied for."
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"I actually interviewed here and got it, but then --"
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"I don't know -- something happened."
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"I go to the same church as the Superintendent."
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"Caught him cheating on his wife with the deaconess."
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"I needed a job."
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""Is your school sick? Try prescription rugs." Classic."
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"CHILD: (cough, splatter)"
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"- CHILDREN: Ewwww! - Oh, my God!"
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"- Bria, what happened? - I threw up."
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"Great communication skills, Bria."
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"Okay, let's get you cleaned up."
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"I actually throw up all the time, so it's okay."
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"- Argh! - (screams)"
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"Random man! Child pants!"
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"- Security! - Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no!"
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"I'm -- I'm Gregory, the, uh -- the sub for Ms. Schwartz."
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"- Okay. Oh. - Yeah."
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"But that's still not explaining the pants."
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"- Security! - Hold on. Hold on."
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"- Wait, wait, wait. - Okay, one of my kids"
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"had to go to the bathroom, so I brought him,"
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"but then he accidentally went on himself."
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"Oh! Okay."
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"And I tried to flush the toilet,"
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"and the water shot back up in the air."
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"- And then I'm -- - Oh, God."
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"No one told you about Reversy Toilet then?"
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"- Okay. - No. Why is that even a thing?"
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"I know. I'm sorry. Okay."
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"Um, could you just watch her for a second?"
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"Um... Hi."
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"- How you doing? - I threw up."
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"All right."
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"Okay. I'll be back for her, and I have some spare clothes"
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"for him in my room."
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"I will get him changed"
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"and then send him back to you, all right?"
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"Oh, w-wait. What was your name?"
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"Oh. Silly me."
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"I'm Janine. So, nice to meet you."
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"- Oh, sorry, pee. - There's vomit."
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"- Yeah. - Um, make a wish."
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"(both laugh)"
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"Okay, welcome to our school."
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"- Okay. - Thanks."
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"It's okay. Everyone pees, you know?"
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"Yeah, that was disgusting, but she seems nice."
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"Is that me? (sniffs)"
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"(school bell rings)"
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"(indistinct conversations)"
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"- All right. Remember... - Good morning, Mrs. Howard ♪"
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"- 2 and 2 equals... - ALL: 4!"
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"- Yes! - Sorry."
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"I wanted to get your expert, classy eye"
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"on my rug request e-mail to Ava."
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"Janine, we are not getting new rugs."
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"We are not getting anything."
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"Barbara, have some faith."
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"Ava literally said she'll get us whatever we need."
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"Janine, I have been working in the Philadelphia School District"
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"for 20 years,"
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"and Ava is just the latest"
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"in a long line of people who do absolutely nothing."
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"- Just do your job. - But this is me doing my job."
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"I think the job means trying to make things better."
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