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Clips from Archer - Danger Island: Strange Doings in the Taboo Groves (S09E09)

"- Did you... - Oh, no."
Archer
"Eat a person?"
Archer
"- What? No! - Ew!"
Archer
"- Then, where'd you get barbecue? - I didn't."
Archer
"Then why'd you have barbecue sauce?"
Archer
"[quietly] I don't... I mean, I've been drinking it."
Archer
"- What? - Oh, for the..."
Archer
"As an aperitif. Happy?"
Archer
"- Happy you drink barbecue sauce? - It's basically V8."
Archer
"It's brown sugar and ketchup."
Archer
"- Goddamn it, which way, Pam? - That way."
Archer
"- You're sure? - Positive. [Chuckles]"
Archer
"Well, you totally sold that."
Archer
"I'm gonna miss that dopey confidence"
Archer
"once we find this damn idol... [screaming]"
Archer
"- What the...? - Archer?"
Archer
"ARCHER: Oh! Ow! Oh! Oh! Ugh!"
Archer
"- [thuds] Oh... - Archer?"
Archer
"- Be careful. - Thanks, dummy."
Archer
"- Eh. - Oh, shit. It's a big, steep-ass ravine."
Archer
"Okay, I'm gonna have to rappel down."
Archer
"CRACKERS: Should I come with you?"
Archer
"- Yeah. Or your dumb ass could fly. - Oh, right."
Archer
"[Pam grunting]"
Archer
"- Come on, you got it, just hurry up. - Why, is he hurt?"
Archer
"- No, but... - Shut up."
Archer
"- Archer? You okay? - ARCHER: Uh, yeah, currently."
Archer
"[grunts]"
Archer
"What do you mean, "currently"? [gasps]"
Archer
"Holy shitsnacks!"
Archer
"- Yeah. - Quicksand!"
Archer
"Yeah. [Howling] And that's still going on."
Archer
"Which... so great."
Archer
"You can not be serious. Archer?"
Archer
"Is out there looking for the idol?"
Archer
"How does he even know where to look?"
Archer
"Well, I have no way to know this, but, uh..."
Archer
"But meanwhile, instead of searching the jungle for the idol,"
Archer
"your men are getting drunk every night"
Archer
"and shtupping the crazy coconut lady."
Archer
"[sighs] They are really möndsuchtig."
Archer
"- "Moonstruck"? - Moonstruck."
Archer
"- Besotted. - I know what it means."
Archer
"But I can't help wonder if Japanese soldiers"
Archer
"wouldn't be much more disciplined."
Archer
"All right. I get your point. I will find it."
Archer
"Now, how about a little frühstück,"
Archer
"- my little passion fruit? - Not until you pay me for the idol."
Archer
"Oh, but that makes our relationship sound so transactional."
Archer
"It is transactional."
Archer
"[sighs] I know, but it hurts to hear it."
Archer
"No idol, no money, no fruit. [groans]"
Archer
"FUCHS: [sighs] Deine Freizeit. Ist kaputt!"
Archer
"Erste Sache, nicht mehr mit deiser"
Archer
"verrückten Kokosnussfrau shtuppen!"
Archer
"Was willst Du?"
Archer
"Uh, we were wondering if, perhaps, as a group,"
Archer
"we could speak English?"
Archer
"- SOLDIERS: Yeah, English. - Warum?"
Archer
"Well, as you call her, this "crazy coconut lady,""
Archer
"does not speak German, so we would like to practice English."
Archer
"- Yeah. - Why not? [FUCHS laughs]"
Archer
"Why, do you think this woman"
Archer
"would ever marry one of you dummkopfen?"
Archer
"- I mean... - Fine. English, then."
Archer
"We march today into the jungle,"
Archer
"where we will search for and find,"
Archer
"something vital to the future of our great fatherland."
Archer
"But the jungle is very dangerous, full of lizards"
Archer
"and snakes and cannibals and what else, Gott weiß?"
Archer
"- Can we shoot the lizards and snakes? - Yes, of course."
Archer
"- Can we shoot the cannibals? - You can shoot anything you want!"
Archer
"Now are there any other questions?"
Archer
"That are not about shooting things?"
Archer
"Then, let's go."
Archer
"The American pilots may have a head start on us."
Archer
"They also may be smarter than they look."
Archer
"Because get the hell off me, bird!"
Archer
"But I'm hugging you, with my talons."
Archer
"- Why? - 'Cause I'm here for you."
Archer
"Well, "be here" somewhere else."
Archer
"Yeesh. With friends like you."
Archer
"Case in point, what'd you mean when you said"
Archer
"you were gonna miss me once we found the idol?"
Archer
"I... can we talk about this later?"
Archer
"No. Why'd you say you'd miss me?"
Archer
"I... look, you're gonna miss me"
Archer
"if I drown in this goddamn quicksand."
Archer
"Yeah, try not to thrash around, it makes you sink faster."
Archer
"- How would you know? - Cowboy movies."
Archer
"Can you please just get me out of here?"
Archer
"[laughing] And how's this even supposed to work?"
Archer
"Oh, my God, Elisha Otis,"
Archer
"you throw the rope over that branch up there."
Archer
"I catch the rope, I hold onto the rope."
Archer
"You hold on to your end of the rope, and then you pull me to safety."
Archer
"But wait, I mean, I can't pull you out"
Archer
"- if you weigh more than I do. - [laughs] Excuse me?"
Archer
"I mean, that's like science-physics."
Archer
"- You think I weigh more than you. - [chuckling] Uh, yeah."
Archer
"- You're a man. - Crackers?"
Archer
"- Nope. - Bird? [Sighs]"
Archer
"Wait, what? You think I weigh more than him?"
Archer
"I mean... [gasps] No, not in a..."
Archer
"Come on, you're big-boned. And easily six five."
Archer
"Now can you please use"
Archer
"those big-ass bones to get me out of this bullshit?"
Archer
"[chuckles] Okay, smart guys, I'll bet you."
Archer
"[grunts]"
Archer
"- 50 bucks says Archer's heavier. - [laughs] Make it a hundred."
Archer
"- You're on. - Well, but there's his actual weight,"
Archer
"plus you also have to overcome the suction power"
Archer
"of the quicksand, and I don't know if that's expressed"
Archer
"in foot-pounds, or newton metres, or..."
Archer
"I don't care if it's in ergs."
Archer
"- It's not. - She still weighs more than me."
Archer
"- Then, let's make it 200. - Bring it. [Grunts]"
Archer
"The real problem here, though, isn't which one of you"
Archer
"weighs more, it's your combined weights in relation to the..."
Archer
"- Whoa! - Oh, no, no, no. Ow!"
Archer
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