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Clips from Schitt's Creek - Carl's Funeral (S01E01)

"I'm not around dogs a lot, so..."
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"No, you know what? Don't even worry about."
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"Just... for tonight,"
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"think of them as... our kids."
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"Right? Oh yeah..."
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"John, you're speaking at the funeral?"
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"You take his hands in yours,"
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"you look him in the eye, and say, "no.""
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"What do you say about guy you couldn't care less about?"
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"Oh, it's Gord what's-his-name's funeral all over again."
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"- Who's Gord what's-his-name? - Exactly."
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"He was some kind of crew-person on Sunrise Bay."
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"I made an obligatory appearance at the service"
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"and his hysterical girlfriend cornered me into saying a few words."
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"I didn't have a thought in my head,"
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"Not a dry eye in the house."
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"Huh..."
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"God, I love this bed."
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"I'm so glad you're not my brother."
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"Yeah, yeah, I'm pretty glad about that too."
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"But let me assure you, tonight it is just you and me."
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"Oh, yeah, dogs sometimes do that."
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"Oh, she's fine. She's fine. She's fine."
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"Oh, now you want in on the action, too, huh?"
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"Does... does that mean it's full?"
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"- Okay. - What is... ?"
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"Okay, you guys, just give us a little bit of time here"
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"and then you can come sleep with us, okay? Okay?"
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"Okay, where were we?"
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"- Hmm... - Mm..."
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"Out! Out!"
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"Excuse me!"
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"- Hey! Go. - Excuse me, hi."
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"I don't think you're invited to this one, huh?"
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"Hey, look who it is. It's your dad."
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"- He's here to take you home! - Yeah, yeah..."
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"- Remember that?! - Yeah!"
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"You remember that one?!"
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"No."
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"- I'm just pumpin' your tires, bud! - Okay."
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"Look, what you gotta understand"
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"is that my ex-stepdad just died,"
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"so we're here celebrating his life, okay?"
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"Okay, you all seem very devastated by this."
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"I need you to turn the music down, okay?"
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"Because I-I'm trying to get couple hours... Sleep tonight."
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"- Your ex-stepdad, yeah. - My ex-stepdad, yeah."
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"- Yup, yeah. - Damn, that's sad..."
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"Oh my God."
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"Don't..."
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"Oh my... Oh my God!"
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"I am so sorry. They got me..."
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"They got me wasted."
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"- Mm-hmm. - I hate them, okay?"
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"I hate them so much."
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"I'm gonna need you to get them to turn it down, okay?"
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"- Hi, Denim. - Hi, sweetie pie."
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"David, I so sorry."
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"- Johnny. - Hello, Bob."
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"Moira, so good of you to come."
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"John said we had no choice."
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"Oh, that's very nice."
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"Boy, what a beautiful day for a... funeral."
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"Bob... in case I wanna mention this in my remarks,"
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"how-how did Carl go?"
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"Well, it was a bit of a freak accident, really."
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"Apparently, he was trying to unhook his belt from the ceiling fan"
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"and... apparently it... It got knotted around his neck."
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"What?"
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"Yeah, you know, you'd think the whole thing"
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"would've come down, you know,"
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"But uh... Carl found the studs on that one."
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"Oh... Yeah..."
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"That's craftsmanship."
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"Oh, yeah."
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"But that uh... That was Carl."
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"Do you even know what that stain is or... ?"
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"Uh... I'm worried if I did, I wouldn't clean it up."
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"Why are you cleaning it up?"
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"You were a bit of a mess last night."
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"Oh, no, no. We had a full-blown conversation."
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"Oh. Sorry."
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"Did I try and make out with you?"
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"But now I'm worried I made out with someone else."
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"Uh, it's kind of my go-to when I'm a little boozy."
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"Mm. Mine's shame eating, so yours sounds more fun."
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"Huh."
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"Um..."
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"Is this your thong or... ?"
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"Yeah, no. Bree's a real classy girl."
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"Uh, his was wrapped around the remote."
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"Don't worry, I threw out the remote."
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"Hmm."
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"Well, it looks like they have a side hustle."
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"Uh, I'm pretty sure she strips. Why?"
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"Oh no, this is just a lot of um..."
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"- Yes, it is. - Marijuana."
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"And if you're offering, my answer is yes."
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"Nothing says we'll miss you like an excerpt from "Breaking Dawn,""
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"one of Carl's favourites of the Twilight movies."
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"Now, to say a few words,"
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"I'd like to bring up a close friend"
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"and one of Carl's personal heroes..."
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"Carl..."
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"What to say about Carl... ?"
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"Once so full of life"
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"and now... lying... very, very close to me."
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"And yet, for Carl,"
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"pretty much an all-consuming thing at this point."
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"He-he was a- he was a man who loved..."
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"And-and he loved the feel of big tool in his hand,"
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"And I wonder,"
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"when Carl was spinning around on that ceiling fan"
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"that he was so very proud of,"
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"was he ever thinking of this town..."
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"and where he died... Where he died."
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"But I-I-I'm not up here today"
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"to speak about dying in Schitt's Creek."
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"I'm-I'm here-I'm-"
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"Where the hell are you, Sean?!"
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