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Clips from Family Guy - Short Cuts (S18E18)

"KEITH DAVID (on TV): The rhythmic drums of the Congo."
Family Guy
"-300 years later, Charlie Bird Parker. -(jazz music playing)"
Family Guy
"But how did we get there?"
Family Guy
"(Brian groans)"
Family Guy
"(busy chatter)"
Family Guy
"Lois, what are you doing here?"
Family Guy
"Did someone die? Do I get to go home early?"
Family Guy
"Well, Peter, since you were having that jeans fun,"
Family Guy
"I thought it might be fun to come by and sell"
Family Guy
"some of my homemade jewelry to your coworkers during lunch."
Family Guy
"What? Lois, you can't do that."
Family Guy
"Once a guy's wife sells something in the break room,"
Family Guy
"no one ever looks at him the same."
Family Guy
"Two years ago, Bentley's wife made him hang"
Family Guy
"a sign-up sheet to sponsor her in an AIDS walk,"
Family Guy
"and we've hated him ever since."
Family Guy
"Don't look at me, Bentley."
Family Guy
"(glass shatters)"
Family Guy
"Everyone, I'm Peter Griffin's wife."
Family Guy
"I took a jewelry-making class last month"
Family Guy
"with a group of preschool moms,"
Family Guy
"Hey, you want a half of my sandwich?"
Family Guy
"-Who made this? -My wife."
Family Guy
"-Oh, y-your wife with AIDS? -She doesn't have AIDS."
Family Guy
"She did a walk for people with AIDS."
Family Guy
"But presumably there were people who had AIDS at the walk?"
Family Guy
"Yeah, but you can't get..."
Family Guy
"Yeah, it's a no on the sandwich, Bentley."
Family Guy
"Greetings, Lois."
Family Guy
"Oh, my God, Peter, you're gonna make me vomit."
Family Guy
"I'm just getting in some 'cize."
Family Guy
"That's what I call exercise now: 'Cize."
Family Guy
"(retches)"
Family Guy
"Oh, God, Peter, please put that thing"
Family Guy
"in the garage and change your clothes."
Family Guy
"Oh, I'd be happy to, Lois."
Family Guy
"But I'm not doing it because you said."
Family Guy
"I'm doing it because of the mean seventh graders"
Family Guy
"who have been chucking footballs at me all day."
Family Guy
"BOY: There he is! Let's get that fat dork!"
Family Guy
"I'm home! Home is safe!"
Family Guy
"(grunts) Home is safe!"
Family Guy
"I see you found all of George Townshend's books."
Family Guy
"That was fast."
Family Guy
"Yep, got my own system."
Family Guy
"I call it "The Stewie Decimal System.""
Family Guy
"(laughs)"
Family Guy
"Oh, Stewie, you're gonna make me spit out my saltwater taffy."
Family Guy
"(laughing)"
Family Guy
"Oh, my God!"
Family Guy
"Brian's in trouble!"
Family Guy
"Stewie, I've got to have you around here more often."
Family Guy
"Oh, I think you'll find me here... periodically."
Family Guy
"There's homeless sperm on this."
Family Guy
"-Where are the glasses? -I moved them."
Family Guy
"What? Why?"
Family Guy
"I moved everything."
Family Guy
"All the glasses, the bowls, the plates."
Family Guy
"Nothing is where it's been for the past 17 years."
Family Guy
"I'm gonna become a deejay."
Family Guy
"I'm going to hire a life coach."
Family Guy
"I'm gonna make one political donation"
Family Guy
"with your e-mail address so you'll be screwed for life."
Family Guy
"Oh, that's really bad."
Family Guy
"I'm gonna start a podcast that has no focus"
Family Guy
"and it'll take up an inordinate amount of time."
Family Guy
"I'm going to constantly complain about my fibromyalgia."
Family Guy
"-You don't have fibromyalgia. -No one does!"
Family Guy
"Every time a waiter tells me their name, I'm gonna use it."
Family Guy
"I'm gonna get really into Halloween, like, really into it!"
Family Guy
"Gross. I'm gonna wear a denim shirt"
Family Guy
"with the Looney Tunes guys embroidered on it"
Family Guy
"to church every Sunday."
Family Guy
"(both moaning)"
Family Guy
"Oh, Peter. Oh, Peter."
Family Guy
"So, what do you think of my haircut now?"
Family Guy
"It's ugly. I hate it."
Family Guy
"-How you feeling, buddy? -Good."
Family Guy
"Nervous but strangely excited."
Family Guy
"I haven't been totally honest with you."
Family Guy
"I was never neutered."
Family Guy
"But you're about to be."
Family Guy
"What? No!"
Family Guy
"Save me, Sensei Dan!"
Family Guy
"-No neutering, guys. -(grunting)"
Family Guy
"Why are you doing this?"
Family Guy
"What did I do to you that was so bad?"
Family Guy
"You promised we'd be there for each other forever."
Family Guy
"Then the minute Peter Griffin came along,"
Family Guy
"and then Trump happened and-and all that..."
Family Guy
"Liar!"
Family Guy
"I've wanted to cut your balls off for years,"
Family Guy
"but the fact that you're choosing to do it yourself"
Family Guy
"But I'm not choosing to do it myself."
Family Guy
"They smell awful."
Family Guy
"¶ ¶"
Family Guy
"(gasps)"
Family Guy
"(shouts)"
Family Guy
"Stewie. Y-You saved me."
Family Guy
"Oh."
Family Guy
"-Well, almost. -What is it?"
Family Guy
"Oh, my God, they got one!"
Family Guy
"Or you still have one."
Family Guy
"Maybe you should be a scrotum half-full guy."
Family Guy
"How did you know what he was doing?"
Family Guy
"I read his book."
Family Guy
""There is no greater motivation"
Family Guy
""than the destruction of an enemy,"
Family Guy
""and my enemy is Brian Griffin."
Family Guy
""One day, I will convince him to cut off his own balls,"
Family Guy
"and that will be my greatest accomplishment.""
Family Guy
"You said his books changed your life,"
Family Guy
"This is why you're nothing."
Family Guy
"I'm sorry, okay?"
Family Guy
"Yes, I abandoned you."
Family Guy
"And I didn't go back to find you."
Family Guy
"I'm a bad friend, I admit it."
Family Guy
"But did you ever think that you should be thanking me?"
Family Guy
"Thanking you? For what?"
Family Guy
"For everything you have."
Family Guy
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